At the beginning of the school year, the kids were told they could wear hats to class. But then word got around that hats could be gang-related so the rule changed to "no hats allowed." The students were told they could listen to their i-pods during lunch and recess. But after several thefts of some quite expensive i-pods and phones, all electronic devices were banned. Because of this, a lot of disagreements broke out between the teachers, the students and the parents.
You can imagine the chaos that ensued when the rules changed. The students had gotten used to the old rules and when they changed, the kids resisted. Big time.
It's human nature to want consistency, to want "the rules" to stay the same. Most of us like the comfort of predictability. When something changes, or keeps changing, it's completely normal at first to resist it. Like children, we may even yearn for the old way because the new way feels different and perhaps requires a different set of behaviors from us. On the level of logic, most of us can completely understand this.But what happens when YOU change? What happens when you change the unspoken rules of conduct between you and others?
Well, my friend, you might as well get prepared for the backlash that will come from some of your most near and dear. Like children, they may do what my thirteen year old students (and some of their parents) did when the rules changed-scream and yell and resist like hell. And you've got to be prepared for this. You've got to understand the nature of the Changeback Attack if you want to keep moving forward.
A Changeback Attack is quite simply the resistance you receive from someone you love and care about when you start to change for the better. People you love and respect may say, through their words or actions, "Changeback!" (as in: return to who you used to be; I don't like this change in you). This will not feel like a rational conversation; it will feel just like an attack and this person will often go for your jugular (Metaphorically speaking, of course. If someone is actually going for your jugular, you're experiencing more than a Changeback Attack and you should probably be calling 911).
Sometimes, however, a Changeback Attack may be more subtle and use some form of emotional manipulation (like guilt). These kinds of attacks may be harder to spot than the in-your-face attacks, but the results are the same. After a Change-Back Attack, you will walk away feeling as if you were emotionally slapped in the face and wondering why this person, who is so dear to you, can't be happy for the positive changes you've made in your life.
Time and time again I see this happen with my clients. They've been working hard-for weeks, months even-to really make some progress in the direction of their goals and dreams. Just when they really start to get things moving-Bam! a Changeback Attack comes out of left field from someone they greatly respect. They are left confused and hurt. They don't understand why someone who loves them wouldn't be happy for them. And then they begin to doubt themselves.
Take, for example, this sneaky Changeback Attack from the husband of one of my clients (I'll call her Betty). Betty is extremely bright and was a gifted, professional dancer before she got married. For the past ten years, Betty's been following her husband around the world as he pursues various kinds of advanced degrees and interests. She gave up a high-paying political advocacy job to stay at home and raise the kids while her husband moved them around the country looking for "the perfect job and the perfect boss."
Her husband has a job he loves but it barely makes enough money to support the family. The kids are now both in school and Betty wants to go back to work. She knows she has the ability to make gobs of money doing something she loves and she called me to help her figure out how to pave that path. Just when Betty started making some real progress (as in opening her own dance studio), her husband suggests that they remove their kids from a perfectly decent school and have Betty homeschool them. He made sure to mention how important it was for the children to receive a quality education and laid on the guilt big-time about her "taking time away from the family to start her own business" This is a Changeback Attack.
Now I'm sure on some level Betty's husband really does want her to be happy. And it doesn't sound like he would mind some extra money coming in either. But a part of him is scared-terrified even- of this change in Betty. He knows this change will require a change in the dynamics of their family. Even though Betty is getting closer and closer to her dreams, he's trying to convince her to stay the same old, stay-at-home-take-care-of-the-kids Betty because that is what feels safe to him. Betty is changing the rules. Rather than face the fear and uncertainty of this change, he'd much rather she just "Changeback."
Yes, it's immature. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, it's rooted in fear. And I don't have one client who hasn't had it happen when they've started to make progress towards their goals.
No matter who you are or whom you've surrounded yourself with, at some point in your personal growth, you will most likely experience a Changeback Attack. So let's talk about when/why they occur and what you can do to deal with them.
How to Spot a Changeback Attack
1. A Changeback Attack will usually be from someone you deeply love and/or respect.
2. A Changeback Attack will come when you've really started to make some progress towards a goal or dream of yours. (ie: You're no longer just talking about getting back in shape but are actually going to the gym).
3. The Changeback Attack will feel unfair. It will not have the energy of a rational conversation but will feel like an attack. It will feel like you have just been slapped in the face emotionally.
This is what you can do when you receive a Changeback Attack:
1. No matter how unfair, listen to what the attacker has to say and see if you can hear the fear underneath their words. Don't worry about defending your decisions/changes you've made. Just listen.
2. Once your attacker is done, acknowledge that you have heard him/her and that you will think about what they have said.
3. Find some time to go off in a quiet place and be alone. Check in with your Body Compass. Does the change you've made feel like an Essential Self "Yes" or "No?"
4. If it feels like the changes you are making really are moving you in the direction of your dreams, if it feels like your Essential Self is saying "Yes!" then by all means, proceed. If it feels like your Essential Self is saying "No" (this is rare but does happen sometimes) review your course of action and change appropriately.
5. Recognize that a Changeback Attack is actually a compliment of your growth and progress.
6. Go out and celebrate. Only those who have significantly changed get Changeback Attacks.
7. Identify the people in your life who are happy for your change and who are supporting you. Spend more time with these people.
Throughout my own life, I've received more Changeback Attacks than I can count. But the most interesting, and painful, one was from a very dear friend of mine. This person had continued to encourage me to grow spiritually and follow my dreams and after a year of deep self-exploration and meditation, I had grown. A LOT. When I shared with him all of my insights (like an excited child), he practically rolled his eyes.
"I know someone who is spiritually gifted but she's also very arrogant." he told me. "You're starting to remind me of her."
I remember feeling emotionally floored by this comment. I had honestly thought, considering the nature of our friendship, that this person would be jumping for joy over my personal growth. I went home, cried, and then checked back in with my Essential Self. I realized that, in spite of this comment from my trusted confidant, I was moving in the right direction. And after some reflection, I realized the Changeback Attack for what it was. This friend had been a spiritual mentor to me for many years and perhaps was afraid that he was no longer needed in my life.
I had changed the rules. The old rule had been that he had the spiritual wisdom. The new rule was that I could find my spiritual truths on my own. Quite frankly, he wasn't happy about this rule change so he threw me a Changeback Attack.
If you're making positive changes and you receive a Changeback Attack, recognize it for what it is. You are changing the rules and the kids don't like it. Continue to move forward with your positive growth. You never know what may happen. One day, they may decide to join you.
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