Misusing Spiritual Truths-The BIG Picture

Lately I've been attracting some pretty spiritually savvy individuals into my coaching clientele. They come with lofty goals and quite a bit of spiritual knowledge, armed with words like choose, create, and manifest. They are aware of their chakras and their intentions; they are familiar with the Law of Attraction and the Law of Karma. They can sense the energy of others and are cognizant of their own vibrations. And I swear, they are harder on themselves than anyone else I work with. It is nothing short of amazing how they misuse the spiritual truths they've learned over the years to abuse themselves further.

The more I work with these clients, the more I love them. They remind me so very much of someone I know and love dearly. Someone who took years upon years of spiritual study and manipulated it to create an incredibly large amount of self-judgment and undeserved guilt. Someone who misunderstood the words of prophets and gurus and used their teachings for evidence of her lack of goodness. That someone would be me.

I feel so strongly about spiritual misunderstandings (they seem to be quite common with those committed to bettering themselves) that I have decided to write a book on this topic. Realistically, it may be several years before I can publish this book and I'd like to clear up at least some of these misunderstandings sooner rather than later. So for the next few weeks, I am devoting a series of blog entries to the spiritual truths I see being most misused by my clients and those around me. I hope this will shine some clarity on what I had to learn, and unlearn, to find my own spiritual path. I hope that this will save some of you beautiful and precious people the years of mental anguish I put my own self through.

Let's start at the beginning. Let's start at the purpose behind spiritual truths. Every solid spiritual truth has the same intention-to teach you to love both yourself and others. I'm sure one could argue that spiritual truths also teach you to empower yourself, to take responsibility for your creations and much more. I don't disagree, but for now, let's just keep it simple. Spiritual truths are meant to teach you love and compassion. You must include yourself in that love and compassion.


If you find yourself learning a spiritual truth and you are not inspired to love yourself when you embrace this truth, there are two possibilities. 1-You have misunderstood the spiritual truth. 2-It is not a spiritual truth. Most likely, number 1 is the culprit.

I have a feeling that at some point in time, we humans will realize all of our suffering is really just the result of misunderstandings. There is such an innocence to humanity and we have a tendency to misunderstand things a lot. (That is one of the reasons I think Footprints In the Sand is such a popular and moving poem-it illustrates our human tendency for misunderstanding).

If you learn a spiritual truth, and you find yourself creating more self-judgment, you are misunderstanding something. Self-judgment is the opposite of self-love. Notice that I did not say self-reflection or self-improvement was the opposite of self-love. I said self-judgment.

You can tell the difference between a reflection of yourself that inspires love (even if it means admitting you need to change something about yourself) and something that brings you more self-judgment. Self-reflection and self-improvement inspire a plan of action for change. Self-judgment inspires you to feel crappy about who you are. Self-improvement feels liberating; self-judgment feels imprisoning. Self-reflection and self-improvement help you realize your potential and your goodness. Self-judgment makes you feel like you are bad*.

Let me give you an example I will expound upon more in my next post. I come from a family of spiritual healers. Some of my best and closest friends are healers. Basically, I am surrounded by healers of all different types and I notice a tendency these wonderful people have. Whenever one of them gets sick, they act as if they did something wrong. As if their cancer or their cold or their broken arm is a result of a terrible spiritual mistake they made. As if they should be ashamed of their illness or sickness. They'll go into all of this self-judgment about how they didn't align their chakras well enough or they didn't pray enough or they strayed from the path of God. What a horrible mental story to add to the already difficult physical condition of being sick!

I always feel a sense of deep and aching sadness when this happens. I want to shake these people awake, into their own goodness. I want to tell them-No! Wait! You've misunderstood something! Every truth is here to teach us to love. When you go into your story of self-judgment, you are out of the story of self-love. When you go into judgment, you are out of love. This is my personal interpretation of the biblical story of Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. I don’t believe Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge; I think they ate from the tree of judgment (and this self- judgment brought shame). Simply put, when you’re eating apples from the tree of judgment, you’re not able to stay in paradise.

If you notice yourself slipping into self-judgment when you learn a new spiritual truth, just pause for a second. More than likely you've misunderstood the clarity and love this truth was intended to bring you. Look closely at the truth. Look deeply to see if you can find the self-love it was meant to teach you. I have studied every major religion on this planet and have read hundreds of spiritual texts. I can find one common denominator in each of them, and that is the spiritual truth of love.

If you are trying to better yourself, and you are not learning self-love, you're missing the point. If you're not learning self-love, you won't learn to unconditionally love others. Without love for ourselves and others, what do we have?

Self-love is the foundation of a spiritually centered life. If you remember this, then learning the true meaning of spiritual truths will be much more pleasant. The spiritual truths will inspire love, not judgment. It will become easier and easier to love others and to put love into the world once you have set the foundation to love yourself.

This week, as you go throughout your day, see if you can feel your way into self-love. See if you can find small ways to be compassionate and loving to yourself. This is the beginning of understanding all the other spiritual truths. Put down those apples of self-judgment; you want to be in paradise. Start practicing love. Start practicing love first with the one person that you know will always be with you-yourself. Then watch what happens to how you feel and how you react to those around you.

*It seems to me that many religions have a tendency to inspire people into self-judgment, out of a lack of true understanding for what their prophets and founders were really preaching. The human tendency for misunderstandings is very, very common. If you remember that every true prophet teaches love and compassion for the self and others, you may begin to see religious teachings in a different way.

To thine own self, be true.

The road to freedom is not through feeling good; it is through feeling true to yourself.
-Deepak Chopra

There is a common belief that I keep coming across whenever I'm talking with someone who is actively working to better his or her life. Although each individual has his/her own ways of expressing this, in its simplist form it goes something like this: Being Happy is Good. Being anything other than Happy is Bad.

I see this belief run its destructive course in many places and invalidate many a person. I've seen it turn spiritual people into depressed beings and turn even the most sincere people into phony baloney. And for those of us who are in fields where our entire careers revolve around helping other people become happier and healthier, this belief can cause havok.
Why is feeling anything other than happiness so taboo?

I was reminded of this the other day when I was talking to a friend who is also a healer. She is an incredibly intuitive person who I feel blessed to have met. I love how honest and how real she is. I notice she has a habit of doubting herself and her healing abilities whenever she talks about her negative emotions and thoughts. She'll confide that she is angry or sad or frustrated and then say-How can I heal people when I feel these negative emotions? No matter how many times I try to convince her that she is a very gifted healer, there seems to be a part of her that believes a healer should always be happy, should never feel negative, should never get sick. Basically, a healer should never be human.

I have also lived the majority of my life being imprisoned by this belief that anything other than happiness is really not warranted. I thought that growing up in a country as prosperous as America-and having all of my material needs met-meant I had no right to any negativity at all. And any time I DID feel negative, I would feel guilty. A few years ago, I met a wise person who said: Feel your feelings. So I took his advice and started doing just this.

When I was angry, I felt my anger. I just decided to be there, with it. Not to act on it, but just to keep it company. I watched how my jaw would tighten, how my stomach would clench and how my breath would become more shallow. I would say to myself-Right now, I'm feeling angry (even if my lizard jumped in with its invalidation).

Then I learned Vipassana meditation and this took my entire skill set of self-observation to a new level. With Vipassana, I learned not only to feel how my body reacted to the sensations of negative emotions but to notice the thoughts that preceeded these sensations. "There's that thought again!" I would find myself observing. "No one loves me and soon I'll run out of money and be homeless." Then I would watch how my body would react to this thought. It was interesting to say the least, like watching a storm roll in. No matter how awful, eventually it would pass and then the sun would come out.

This past Sunday, G. and I had our American wedding. Even though we had a large wedding in India, and our wedding in the states was small and just for friends and family, I felt myself getting nervous as I walked down the aisle. We wrote our vows and I felt that familiar lump in my throat when G. started saying his.

These were my thoughts: Oh no! I'm going to cry. My make-up is going to get ruined. Everyone is going to think I'm such a sap. Why am I even nervous? We've already gotten married before! This is so stupid that I'm even getting anxious up here. We practiced these vows so many times. Why I am about to cry now, in front of everyone?

These were the sensations in my body: Knees shaking slightly. Legs tensed up. Lump in throat. Surge of heat from stomach up to the neck. Hands feeling slightly sweaty.

In that moment I was woman at the altar feeling nervous, about to cry. I stayed with those emotions and those sensations and kept them company. Then, I watched them slip into a beautiful sense of love and joy and yes, happiness.

Your negative emotions are yours to feel. Notice them when they pop up. Observe them. When you see your lizard jumping in with its invalidation (ie: You should not feel this), keep feeling them anyway. Keep those negative emotions company and see what happens. You might just find, as I did, that they are actually great gifts. If you learn to watch them (rather than suppress them, judge them or immediately act upon them), you may realize that your negative emotions are there to clear the way for your happiness. Happiness is then no longer something you have to chase after but something that you just feel your way into.

Don't entertain this nonsense that you have no right to feel your negative emotions or that you should always be happy. Be true to yourself and what you feel. It's the only way to be free.

What happens when you change the rules...

Not so long ago (although it feels like a lifetime ago), I was a middle school teacher. My last gig was in a poorly-run school that couldn't seem to retain either its teachers or its administration, which led to a lot of confusion and disorganization. But when the rules started changing, that's when things got really bad.

At the beginning of the school year, the kids were told they could wear hats to class. But then word got around that hats could be gang-related so the rule changed to "no hats allowed." The students were told they could listen to their i-pods during lunch and recess. But after several thefts of some quite expensive i-pods and phones, all electronic devices were banned. Because of this, a lot of disagreements broke out between the teachers, the students and the parents.

You can imagine the chaos that ensued when the rules changed. The students had gotten used to the old rules and when they changed, the kids resisted. Big time.

It's human nature to want consistency, to want "the rules" to stay the same. Most of us like the comfort of predictability. When something changes, or keeps changing, it's completely normal at first to resist it. Like children, we may even yearn for the old way because the new way feels different and perhaps requires a different set of behaviors from us. On the level of logic, most of us can completely understand this.

But what happens when YOU change? What happens when you change the unspoken rules of conduct between you and others?

Well, my friend, you might as well get prepared for the backlash that will come from some of your most near and dear. Like children, they may do what my thirteen year old students (and some of their parents) did when the rules changed-scream and yell and resist like hell. And you've got to be prepared for this. You've got to understand the nature of the Changeback Attack if you want to keep moving forward.

A Changeback Attack is quite simply the resistance you receive from someone you love and care about when you start to change for the better. People you love and respect may say, through their words or actions, "Changeback!" (as in: return to who you used to be; I don't like this change in you). This will not feel like a rational conversation; it will feel just like an attack and this person will often go for your jugular (Metaphorically speaking, of course. If someone is actually going for your jugular, you're experiencing more than a Changeback Attack and you should probably be calling 911).

Sometimes, however, a Changeback Attack may be more subtle and use some form of emotional manipulation (like guilt). These kinds of attacks may be harder to spot than the in-your-face attacks, but the results are the same. After a Change-Back Attack, you will walk away feeling as if you were emotionally slapped in the face and wondering why this person, who is so dear to you, can't be happy for the positive changes you've made in your life.

Time and time again I see this happen with my clients. They've been working hard-for weeks, months even-to really make some progress in the direction of their goals and dreams. Just when they really start to get things moving-Bam! a Changeback Attack comes out of left field from someone they greatly respect. They are left confused and hurt. They don't understand why someone who loves them wouldn't be happy for them. And then they begin to doubt themselves.

Take, for example, this sneaky Changeback Attack from the husband of one of my clients (I'll call her Betty). Betty is extremely bright and was a gifted, professional dancer before she got married. For the past ten years, Betty's been following her husband around the world as he pursues various kinds of advanced degrees and interests. She gave up a high-paying political advocacy job to stay at home and raise the kids while her husband moved them around the country looking for "the perfect job and the perfect boss."

Her husband has a job he loves but it barely makes enough money to support the family. The kids are now both in school and Betty wants to go back to work. She knows she has the ability to make gobs of money doing something she loves and she called me to help her figure out how to pave that path. Just when Betty started making some real progress (as in opening her own dance studio), her husband suggests that they remove their kids from a perfectly decent school and have Betty homeschool them. He made sure to mention how important it was for the children to receive a quality education and laid on the guilt big-time about her "taking time away from the family to start her own business" This is a Changeback Attack.

Now I'm sure on some level Betty's husband really does want her to be happy. And it doesn't sound like he would mind some extra money coming in either. But a part of him is scared-terrified even- of this change in Betty. He knows this change will require a change in the dynamics of their family. Even though Betty is getting closer and closer to her dreams, he's trying to convince her to stay the same old, stay-at-home-take-care-of-the-kids Betty because that is what feels safe to him. Betty is changing the rules. Rather than face the fear and uncertainty of this change, he'd much rather she just "Changeback."

Yes, it's immature. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, it's rooted in fear. And I don't have one client who hasn't had it happen when they've started to make progress towards their goals.

No matter who you are or whom you've surrounded yourself with, at some point in your personal growth, you will most likely experience a Changeback Attack. So let's talk about when/why they occur and what you can do to deal with them.

How to Spot a Changeback Attack
1. A Changeback Attack will usually be from someone you deeply love and/or respect.
2. A Changeback Attack will come when you've really started to make some progress towards a goal or dream of yours. (ie: You're no longer just talking about getting back in shape but are actually going to the gym).
3. The Changeback Attack will feel unfair. It will not have the energy of a rational conversation but will feel like an attack. It will feel like you have just been slapped in the face emotionally.

This is what you can do when you receive a Changeback Attack:
1. No matter how unfair, listen to what the attacker has to say and see if you can hear the fear underneath their words. Don't worry about defending your decisions/changes you've made. Just listen.
2. Once your attacker is done, acknowledge that you have heard him/her and that you will think about what they have said.
3. Find some time to go off in a quiet place and be alone. Check in with your Body Compass. Does the change you've made feel like an Essential Self "Yes" or "No?"
4. If it feels like the changes you are making really are moving you in the direction of your dreams, if it feels like your Essential Self is saying "Yes!" then by all means, proceed. If it feels like your Essential Self is saying "No" (this is rare but does happen sometimes) review your course of action and change appropriately.
5. Recognize that a Changeback Attack is actually a compliment of your growth and progress.
6. Go out and celebrate. Only those who have significantly changed get Changeback Attacks.
7. Identify the people in your life who are happy for your change and who are supporting you. Spend more time with these people.

Throughout my own life, I've received more Changeback Attacks than I can count. But the most interesting, and painful, one was from a very dear friend of mine. This person had continued to encourage me to grow spiritually and follow my dreams and after a year of deep self-exploration and meditation, I had grown. A LOT. When I shared with him all of my insights (like an excited child), he practically rolled his eyes.

"I know someone who is spiritually gifted but she's also very arrogant." he told me. "You're starting to remind me of her."

I remember feeling emotionally floored by this comment. I had honestly thought, considering the nature of our friendship, that this person would be jumping for joy over my personal growth. I went home, cried, and then checked back in with my Essential Self. I realized that, in spite of this comment from my trusted confidant, I was moving in the right direction. And after some reflection, I realized the Changeback Attack for what it was. This friend had been a spiritual mentor to me for many years and perhaps was afraid that he was no longer needed in my life.
I had changed the rules. The old rule had been that he had the spiritual wisdom. The new rule was that I could find my spiritual truths on my own. Quite frankly, he wasn't happy about this rule change so he threw me a Changeback Attack.

If you're making positive changes and you receive a Changeback Attack, recognize it for what it is. You are changing the rules and the kids don't like it. Continue to move forward with your positive growth. You never know what may happen. One day, they may decide to join you.