Who is there to forgive? Rewriting your story

Last week, I received an endearing email from a follower of this blog, requesting an entry on forgiveness. In this email the young woman said she would be much obliged for some advice on this topic (which, I say with deep relief, I do not like to give.) How can I advise you on how to forgive those who have hurt you? All I can do is share with you the strategies I share with my clients and the strategies I use in my own life: If it works, use it. If it doesn't feel right, don't use it. Take things as you need them, in your own time. Remain true to yourself and your truth unless it is causing you pain. (And you will always know truth because it feels liberating and freeing).

These are the ways I live my life, but then again, this works well for me. Choose what works for you. If what you first choose is causing you pain, you can always choose something else. I've found life to be very simple and beautiful in this way.

I love that I was pondering the question of forgiveness at the most perfect time in my life for this. Let me share with you a very exciting event that happened over the course of last week and the two different stories that arose. One was an old story-I have told myself variations of this story all throughout my life and it's never brought me happiness. The other one was much more liberating, although perhaps not the story most people would tell if they were in a similar situation. As Frost said, I chose the road less traveled and that's made all the difference.



Here I sit, liberated, happy and free rather than angry, depressed and feeling betrayed. Which way would YOU like to feel? It truly comes down to one thing-the story you choose to tell and believe.

As I've mentioned before on this blog, I have taught middle school English for many years. I've spent my career in the urban Atlanta schools, all ripe with their own challenges. I'm a strict disciplinarian and a tough teacher. Throughout my career, this has greatly helped me maintain a classroom where students could learn and has earned me a great deal of respect with my students. Until, that is, I took a job with this charter school in Atlanta.

From day one, the job was full of difficulties. A very popular teacher had quit in the middle of the year (and oh how I judged her for this!) and the students resented me taking her place, especially since I was so strict and it seemed she was not. I could list the number of things I put up with here, but that's not really important. It was a hard situation but I reasoned things would get better if I returned the next academic year as the "real" teacher, instead of the replacement teacher.



Things did not get better. Discipline problems were even worse and although the students did respond better to my teaching style, there were still a lot of situations where I felt my authority was undermined. My principal would not enforce our discipline plan and instead would invite students and parents to talk negatively about teachers to him. Then last week, after I put a class on a week's worth of punishment (no outdoor poetry activities-just a packet of worksheets) the students went to another teacher's room, told him how upset they were, and he suggested they write letters to the principal asking to get me fired. The principal met with me several times last week but I stood my ground.

This is ridiculous, I said. It is unprofessional for one teacher to allow his class time to be taken up by writing these kinds of letters about another teacher. He should have never suggested the children try and get me fired. You should stop supporting the parents when they get upset that their children are in trouble for misbehavior and instead support our school's discipline plan. You should stop encouraging students and parents to berate teachers by not standing up for your staff. I will be flexible about the class punishment, I will make it 3 days instead of 5, but I will not tolerate any more disrespectful behavior from the students.

And then I said-If you continue to undermine me, I'm leaving this school. I am quitting this job.

The next day I found myself telling a story full of woe, betrayal and powerlessness. How dare the children be so disrespectful when I've worked so hard! How dare that shmuck on my team tell the kids to write letters to get me fired! My principal is a jerk who will always side with the parental complaints, no matter how crazy. My principal refuses to support me! That spineless bastard! Etc, etc, etc.



This story felt very sticky to me. It didn't feel good at all. Feeling like a victim, feeling betrayed, feeling powerless-these are some of the most negative emotions we humans can feel. So I called another coach who is also being trained by Martha Beck and asked her to help me through this.

Why are you manifesting this situation? she asked me.

I thought about it. Why WAS I manifesting this situation? I meditated on this for quite some time. Then I realized how incredibly benevolent the universe is and what it was I was supposed to learn from this ordeal.



First let me put a disclaimer here, especially for all of you who have a habit of beating yourselves up or blaming others when things go wrong. Taking responsibility for manifesting a situation is different than blaming yourself or others for it. The former brings you a sense of power whereas the latter brings you sense of powerlessness. My goal, as a coach, is to help every client regain their center of power. I would never want any client to see a terrible situation as something they were responsible for. However, rewriting your story about a situation will bring you a sense of clarity and empowerment and that's what we're after here. This is not to say, however, that when you've wronged someone, you rewrite the situation and leave out the reality. Apologize for the wrongs you've done to others, make amends for the wrongs you've done to yourself, and rewrite your story so that you can live a more peaceful and happy life.



Without going into too much detail about my childhood, it may be helpful to know this. Growing up, my mom did a lot of things to me that I perceived as completely disrespectful, hurtful and as taking away my power. She often spoke about what a "bad" kid I was to my younger sister and I felt betrayed. (I thought my sister should be on my side, since we were both kids.) My dad witnessed what my mom did, but never did anything about it. He was the male authority in the house, but for whatever reason, he didn't speak up on my behalf.

All of the sudden, I understood why the situation at school was happening. I realized that I had manifested a situation that felt identical to my childhood. Here were the disrespectful students who were like my mom. Here was the principal, the male authority figure who did nothing to support me, just like my dad. And here was the teacher who had the students write letters to get me fired, an act of betrayal, just like my sister. How entirely perfect!

This is when I began telling a different story. A story that went something like this: I manifested a situation where I felt feelings similar to my childhood so that I could heal and empower myself.

Much better than the tale of woe, wouldn't you say?

I thought about what I really needed when I was a kid, growing up in that house that was chalk full of negative energy. I decided that I needed someone to step in, to say-This isn't right; I'm not going to let her be treated like this. I'm going to take her somewhere better.

As a child, I could not do this of course. But as an adult, I could. So when I received yet another email from my principal and a voicemail from him on my cell phone stating that numerous parents and students were complaining about me and that we needed to conference about my behavior, I called him back and quit. I calmly went to the school, packed up my things and handed him my keys. As I got into my car, I felt the most delicious sense of freedom and peace. I felt that the small child inside of me had been healed. As I drove away, I realized another gift from this situation-I now had much more time to devote to my business of coaching and healing others.



My principal, who seemed quite shocked that I followed through on my word to resign, said to me as I departed, "I hope you don't think that I think the parents and students are more right than you. I hope you realize that I don't think you're wrong here."

My reply? "You do what you need to do." Meaning think what you need to think. Tell whatever story you need to tell. I'm not going to try and change your story as you'll tell whatever story you need to tell anyway. Everyone is entitled to their story.

But my dear friends, keep this in mind: whatever story it is that you choose to tell, make sure it is one that serves you-and your highest goodness- well. Then watch the universe shower you with good things.



*Think of a negative story you've been holding onto for quite some time, a story about someone who has wronged you. It is now time to rewrite this story. Instead of telling the story from a victim standpoint, tell it from an empowering standpoint. How did the situation end up helping you or making you a better person or helping you heal in some way? Tell the story with a positive spin and see what happens. Then write me all about it!

The Law of Attraction

G. and I were married last Thursday. As so many of my recent clients (I'd say at least 75%) are struggling with relationship issues, I thought now would be the perfect time to write an entry on how my husband came into my life. Maybe this will help clear up some misconceptions most of us hang on to when it comes to romance. 

A year before I met G., I decided that I was tired of trying to find someone to love me. I had made up my mind-it just wasn't going to happen. I had gone on countless dates and had been in several disappointing relationships. I felt like I had really tried. At this time, I was 30. I realized that I had no one to take me out to dinner or bring me flowers or listen to my deepest dreams. Just when I felt so dejected I wanted to curl up and die, I decided that I needed to do these things for myself. Life was too short to wait around for someone who may not ever come. So that's what I did. 

I dressed up and went out to dinner by myself. I got a leather-bound journal so that I could write out my deepest dreams (I figured this was one way I could listen to myself). I would go to the farmer's market and buy the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and come home and put them on the kitchen table. I took myself on beach side vacations, hiked the old growth forests of the Pacific Northwest and spent weekends in the mountains at bed and breakfasts. All by myself. 

People would ask things like-Is it just you? Reservation for one? Here by yourself? Isn't that dangerous to go alone?  

I would smile. Who else was going to take me to all these neat places and bring me all of these beautiful things if I didn't? I finally got to a place where I was perfectly content being with me. This was the first thing I did. 

The second thing I did was learn about the law of attraction. I saw a DVD entitled The Secret and thought that it sounded kind of cool. The law of attraction goes like this: picture what it is you'd like to have, focus fully on the sensations that you think this thing will bring you, then let it go and accept the present. Eventually you will attract what you want because you have "programmed" yourself to attract that kind of energy. 

I wanted to see if this worked. On the video, they suggested that people start small. They said to try to attract something like a cup of coffee. But I really wanted to put the law of attraction to the test. I figured if it was going to work, it could work with anything. I decided to try it with something really big-like a lifetime partner. 

Each morning after my meditation, for about five minutes, I would "pretend" like I had a husband who adored me. I would "feel" what I imagined it would feel like to be completely loved (this wasn't hard since I had been actively loving myself for the past year). And, upon a wise friend's suggestion, I would always whisper the words-or better-when my meditation came to a close. Why limit yourself? Who knows what the universe may have in store for you? Then I would let go of this desire. I think this is the part that is not emphasized enough when people talk about energy attraction. You've got to let go of the desire for what it is you want or it doesn't work. You pretend to have it and all the sensations that go with it for about 5-15 minutes a day, and then you let it go and live fully in the present. 

While I was practicing this, I didn't spend the day wishing I had someone to come home to. I didn't see couples walking together on the street and get envious. I just did my meditation, did my energy attraction exercise, let go of it and got on with my day. 

Last January, when I decided to leave the not-so-exciting world of policy in Washington D.C, I moved back to Atlanta. I had kept up my meditation and law of attraction exercise for 3 months. The week I moved back, I met G. He took me to a French bistro and made me laugh. He teased me because I only wanted a hot chocolate and wouldn't let him buy me dinner. When I spilled my hot drink, he seemed concerned. Did I burn my hand? Was I ok? Then he got up quickly and got me a napkin. I swooned. He was sweet and kind and funny and intelligent. Everything I had asked for. (Oh, and very talented in the world of investing. My "or better" I guess). 

14 months later, he is my husband. We had a private wedding last week, with a traditional Indian wedding planned for this summer in India and a traditional American wedding planned for this fall in Georgia. But on Thursday, it was just him and me. The priest told us 3 million gods were also present. I was pretty sure I could feel most of them there as well and I had an incredible mystical experience when the ceremony was done (more on that in another post). 

But for now, I will say this. Self-love is a good foundation, a nice solid rock, for you to build your life upon. The law of attraction really does work. Why not give yourself the love and the life that you dream of? Why stay stuck in places and with people who do not serve your greatest good? 

Life is short. Listen to your 85 year old self, she will tell you. It's time to start taking responsibility for your own happiness and to bring what it is you dream of into your reality.   

*Try the law of attraction exercise. Start small if you'd like. Focus on your breathing for a few minutes, then do the mini-body meditation I described in an earlier post. THEN imagine something you'd like to have, imagine all of the sensations this thing will bring you and FEEL it in your physical body, as if you already have it. Pretend you've got if for about 5 minutes, at least. Then let it go. Don't wish for it or hope for it throughout the day. Just accept the present as it is. Then tomorrow, try the exercise again. See if you can attract something to you that you'd like to have. If it works for you, write me a comment. Tell me what you attracted-I'm curious to hear what people come up with! (Me? I've decided to start attracting a new, cute little sports car.) 

  

John the Baptist

I do not belong to any one religion. Several years ago, I decided to read all of the religious texts from all of the major religions and realized that they were all pretty much the same. By this I mean they said the exact same things: Love and honor yourself, love and honor others. Be kind. Be a good person. 

My fiance and I practice a form of meditation taught by Buddha, are getting married in a Hindu temple, celebrate Jewish holidays and sometimes go to a Christian church. We have a prayer and meditation room at our house. I often joke that the God of your choice can be found in this room. I understand the protagonist in The Life of Pi perfectly. With so many cool rituals, traditions and deities, who could chose just one?


Recently, I had an idea for a book. I thought, what if someone was to create one text, written in a common, non-assuming language that anyone could understand, which incorporates the similar messages from all of these religious texts? I thought it would be a neat way to show people how all of our cultures and religions, although seemingly dramatically different from one perspective, are really quite similar when you break things down into the basics. So, I got out my copy of the Bible, the Gita, the Dhammapada and all the others I could find, in order to start drafting this book. 

I got distracted when I started to read the New Testament. That John the Baptist! I am still as fascinated by him as I was when I was a child in a Methodist Sunday School class. Eating locusts and honey! Wearing his camel hair clothes! Living in the wilderness! Can you imagine? 

And what was all of this about repenting of one's sins and having to get baptized? Back then, when I was a child, I disregarded this part of the story and just thought about what a cool, eclectic guy this John the Baptist might have been. I thought about how I would have liked to hang out with him. Later, when I learned that he had been beheaded, I was slightly traumatized. Who would do this to such an eccentric soul? Who could bear to serve his head on a platter? I was more bothered by this than the crucifixion. 

As I grew up, I grew away from Christianity, and my fascination with John the Baptist, mainly because of the whole repent of your sins stuff. I don't believe we are bad, us humans. I don't believe in a heaven or hell after our deaths. I don't believe any one can truly save me but me. For a long time, I became resentful of all of the judgment and exclusivity that seemed to be very common in a lot of the self-proclaimed Christians I knew and I completely threw out the baby with the bath water. I would have nothing to do with Christianity for a very long time. 

As I grew up even more, I realized that what I disliked about this religion was not the religion per se, but the way people had manipulated it for their own self-serving reasons. Jesus was a beautiful person. He preached unconditional love. He told people to look at themselves before they even started to judge someone else. He gave and gave and gave. What a great example of how to live a human life. I started to view the Bible symbolically and it took on a much deeper meaning and relevance to my life. Christianity became bearable. 

When I viewed the Bible symbolically, Jesus was no longer some supersonic prophet who was asking me to form a co-dependent relationship with him in order to prevent me from spending my afterlife burning in hell. He was me-the part of me I really like. The part that is loving and kind and generous. He was reminding me that this is the way to live if one wants to be happy. Heaven was no longer something I had to strive for. If I lived in a way that demonstrated kindness to myself and others, I could have it right here, right now. 

John the Baptist told people to come to the big river where he stood thigh deep in cold water, ready to dunk people under. "Repent of your sins and be baptized!" he would yell to the people. "The savior is coming!" John was out for one thing and one thing only-and that was cleansing.

For a long time, I thought cleansing meant I needed to work on becoming a better person. I feel totally cleansed after each 10-day Vipassana retreat. I feel more honest, more loving, more compassionate, so I thought this is what John the Baptist was trying to say. It was all about what I had to do to others, what I should be for others. Be kind, be a better person, forgive them. 

This week, I was rereading a bunch of spiritual texts I have, as I am in the process of creating several coaching programs from them. In one, the line, "All judgment ends up being self-judgment in the end" really stood out to me. Recently I've been doing The Work almost non-stop, as I'm getting married next week and would really like to put some of my old baggage behind me when I commit my life to this man I love. While doing The Work, I keep realizing, over and over, that all of my judgments of others are really just judgments I have of myself. All of the advice I have for others is really just the medicine I need to take. 

She should stop being a victim turns into I should stop being a victim. 

These kids should listen turns into I should listen. 

He should be more responsible turns into I should be more responsible. 

Until there is no one to judge, no one to give advice to, and no one to improve but me. 

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 

See? That Jesus was full of wise, rhetorical questions. 

So where does leave John the Baptist? I'm not quite sure. I do know that when I began to ponder my own judgment, I began to wonder about forgiveness. If all judgment ends up being judgment of one's self, then wouldn't all forgiveness really just be forgiving ourselves? In the end, when I strip my anger and my sadness and my fear down to the basics, it seems to be all I have left. Forgiving myself. 

For what? you may wonder. For selling myself short. For hiding my talents. For settling for less than what I deserved. For staying in situations that didn't allow me to thrive. For staying angry. For not seeing the deeper lessons. For not accepting myself. For believing I wasn't good enough. 

Several years ago, I remember a touching article I read in Shambala Sun. The journalist had interviewed a famous spiritual healer and at the end of the interview, the journalist inquired about a painful experience in his life. He asked the healer for some guidance, to help him figure out why this terrible thing had happened to him. The healer did not answer the journalist's question. Instead, he wrapped his forefinger and thumb around the journalist's wrist, looked him in the eyes and said, "You are good." I have never forgotten the journalist's account of this. It moved me in a way I have not been able to explain until now. 

It is time for me to go to the river inside of my heart. It is time for me to walk in, dunk myself under and come up forgiven. It is time for me to realize the savior has come. The savior is me. I am loved. I am full of grace. I am good.