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MST 3: The Illusion of Easy

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
- Thomas A. Edison

Recently, I had some great news because I met a big goal of mine and I called up one of my good friends from college with whom I like to share these kinds of things. "Are you good at EVERYTHING?" she asked, laughing. "I mean, isn't anything hard for you to accomplish?"

Her comment seemed kind of odd to me, especially since a colleague had told me earlier in the week that I make everything look so easy. What these two women don't see (but to which my husband can attest) is the hours upon hours that I work, the nights I am up until 2am perfecting something I've created, and all of the behind-the-scenes effort I have to exert to accomplish anything at all.

To set the record straight, and to clear up yet another commonly misunderstood spiritual truth (or MST), let me say that most things that you want will require a lot of hard work. Most things that I've accomplished required an incredible amount of hard work, dedication, focus and perseverance. In fact, I can't think of many things that came to me easily or effortlessly. Quite frankly, this belief I hear-that things should just flow once you start to follow your dreams-just eludes me.

Now, don't get me wrong. When you decide to go after your dreams, there are moments of incredible synchronicity, there are times when the universe gives you huge lucky breaks and there are days, weeks even, when things can seem almost effortless. But most of the time, when you are working towards a major goal, when you are paving a new path in your life, things are going to require quite a bit of elbow grease.

I don't know why some people try to present this part of the journey as easy, because it is anything but. Who are these writers who author books telling my clients that all they have to do is leap and the net will appear with no effort on their part or that they should do what they love and the money will magically follow? Is there a little asterisk with fine print in these books somewhere that says: *And also you should know that you will have to work really hard and sometimes you will want to give up and many times you will feel frustrated but if you persevere and keep going even when things look bleak and find ways to strategically overcome each obstacle that comes your way, then yes, you can make your dream come true. Because if there isn't, then let this blog post be the fine print to these reminiscent-of-fairyland cliches. Your dreams are going to take a lot of hard work.

One of my favorite stories from S.N. Goenka (the teacher of Vipassana meditation) goes something like this (although if you can, listen to him tell it. It's a lot funnier):

There is a boy in a village whose mother gives him 5 rupees and tells him to go into the market to buy some cooking oil. On his way home, the boy trips and spills half of the oil. "Oh no!" he laments. "Look! I have spilled half the oil!" He cries all the way home about losing half of the oil. This boy is a pessimist.

Another boy in another village has a mother who also gives him 5 rupees and tells him to go to the market to buy some cooking oil. This boy also trips on his way home and spills half of the oil. "Wow, look at this!" the boy says. "I have saved half of the oil! I could have spilled it all when I slipped but I managed to save half of it!" The boy goes home, happy. This boy is an optimist.

A third boy in yet another village is also given 5 rupees from his mother. He goes to buy some cooking oil, also slips (those markets must be slippery places) and he also loses half of the oil. "Oh my!" says the boy. "I have spilled half of the oil. But I have saved half of the oil. This means that I will have to work in order to earn enough money in order to be able to buy back the oil that I spilled." S.N. Goenka says that this boy is a Vipassana meditator. He understands that difficulties will arise, and when they do, one must work hard to overcome them.

I love this story because it feels very true to me. Accomplishments, great accomplishments, require a positive outlook, a realistic plan and a lot of work.

If you are in Square Three, if you are working hard to make your dreams come true and find yourself in a place that is so-not-effortless, fear not. Doubt not. This is the nature of Square Three. This is what happens when one tries to manifest a dream into the real world. This is how it goes-with a lot of hard work. Those people who make it look effortless? They are only showing you the end result. I bet they worked their tail ends off to earn their accomplishments. I bet they, too, are up until 2am trying to get things just right.

Remember that cheesy song from the late 1990's by ChumbaWumba? The one that goes, "I get knocked down, but I get up again?" That's the real secret to success. Throw out this "effortless" belief and start finding some beliefs that inspire perseverance. Find some people who love to cheer you on. Get yourself a damn good coach. Then get to work. You may even want to keep a journal chronicling what happens to you along the way because who knows? One day yours may be a story a dream-follower novice needs to hear. And when you do meet your goals, when those dreams that required all of your blood, sweat and tears do come true, celebrate like crazy. Like Voltaire said, "The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it." When things get tough, remember that you have a lot of glory coming.

MST 2: Attracting Negativity

Oh Law of Attraction, how you’ve confused people! In fact, I could write a book on all of the misunderstandings I’ve heard over the past year about the Law of Attraction but as soon as The Secret was, um, no longer a secret, I’ve seen at least half a dozen books appear on just this. Titles like The Real Law of Attraction, The Practical Law of Attraction, The Down-to-Earth Guide to the Law of Attraction have popped up like mad. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a Dummies Guide to the Law of Attraction. But the purpose of this post is not to discuss the Law of Attraction but rather, to clear up some horrible misunderstandings I’ve heard from some of my nearest and dearest clients who are trying, really really hard to attract wonderful things into their lives and who are afraid they're doing it all wrong.

First, let me start with my disclaimer. The Law of Attraction does work. I’ve attracted gobs of great things into my life using it, including my sweet husband. The problem is not the idea that we can attract great things into our lives because, well, we can. The problem is that once people learn about this spiritual truth, they begin to have all sorts of silly thoughts. Thoughts like: I should not think bad thoughts, because then I’ll attract bad things into my life. I should not feel any negativity because then I’ll attract negative things into my life. No matter what happens to me, I should remain positive or else I’ll attract negative things to me.

On what planet are people always happy? Always positive? Always thinking delightful thoughts? I don’t know how you are dear reader, but when someone is ALWAYS happy, when I never hear a person express any frustration, anger, sadness or irritation, I cannot help but wonder who it is who is really behind the happy mask.

Maybe this is a scandalous thing for a life coach to say. I really hope that my clients come away from my sessions realizing how to create happier lives. But I also really hope that not one of them thinks that I have the answer to leading a 100% happy life. Because I don’t and I would never want to promise that. It’s just not real.

All of our emotions are sacred. Not just happiness. All of them. Sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy. As I’ve written before, I believe every emotion is here to bring us a message. And that means they are not bad. And that means that they are more than okay to feel. At times, they are our greatest teachers. This means that when we do go through the dark nights of the soul (which, by the way, happen much more frequently to those who are on a conscious spiritual path than to those who are not), we are not setting ourselves up for attracting negative events into our lives. In fact, in my experience, quite the opposite is true. By honoring the message a negative emotion is bringing, I am able to see what it is I would LIKE to create. I see what it is I need to mourn and let go of. I am able to clearly see that some situations and people are not part of my best life. Those messages are such incredible guides.

If you are like many of my clients and are into the Law of Attraction, guard yourself again the common misunderstanding that if you feel negativity, you will attract negativity. If you are chronically negative and unhappy, then by all means, find yourself a good therapist. And for the rest of us, I’ve composed a little chart to help you figure out exactly what your negative emotions are trying to teach you. I’ve included my own personal examples so you can see what a gift these messages of un-happiness are. By listening to these emotions and the messages they bring, they help point us into the direction of our best lives. Not obstacle-free lives, not happy- 100%-of-the-time lives, but our best lives. And I have a hunch that’s what all of us are trying to attract.

Finding the Sacred Message from Your Negative Emotions Chart

*MST: Somehow, I created this (or the problem with karma)

The process of creating is pretty amazing. Hasn't humankind forever been enticed by the idea of creators and creations? A newer concept that's gained some popularity-that we are actually the creators (as in, we are all creating our own realities and we create what happens to us)-is an interesting concept.

From personal experience I really do believe that our thoughts help shape our realities. I've witnessed the power of self-fulfilling prophecies in my own life (both positive and negative) and I've watched how some people, due to their sheer belief or disbelief in themselves, create success or failure. I would not be a life coach if I didn't think that we had a great deal of power over our thoughts, our perceptions and what happens in our lives. For the record, I DO think taking responsibility for one's life is an essential step in creating one's happiness.

But too often, what I see happening with this particular spiritual truth is not empowerment. When people believe that they create everything that happens to them, then what does it mean when bad things happen in their lives? If you believe that you somehow created your present day reality, what do you make of your breast cancer? Or you son's DUI? Or your husband's infidelity? If YOU created it, then doesn't it make the bad
things "your fault?" And how does that feel?

Yeah. Exactly. It feels like shit.


In addition to the already difficult situation with which you've been presented, now you've got all this extra baggage to contend with. In addition to the mastectomy or the legal fees or your divorce, you've got to figure out how YOU created this mess in the first place.

It seems like a good time to share a short story with you about yours truly. Being the philosophical type who reads more spiritual self-help books than Oprah, I, too, once erroneously believed I was responsible for all of the good and bad that happened in my life. If I could not make sense of why something bad was happening to me, I chalked it up to karma. Must have been something I did in a past life to deserve this-I'd tell myself. Which of course, did nothing but make me feel even worse.

You can imagine what a field day I had when I was diagnosed with cancer. I took on probably one of the biggest research projects of my life. In my almost insatiable quest for finding some meaning on how I created my disease, I found tons of spiritual books with different theories about why people get cancer. Here are just some of them:

-not loving yourself enough
-negative thinking
-bad karma from a past life
-damaged chakras
-suppressing your "true" self
-bad inherited genes
-torn 7th layer of the aura
-not following your soul's destiny/soul's path

If you can believe it, I actually spent the better part of a decade trying to figure out which theory seemed the most accurate. Then something funny happened.

On one random day about four years ago, I met a neat person who told me about a camp for kids with cancer. I signed up to volunteer for this camp and spent a week with some amazing children. Some of them were chemo bald, some of them were in remission. But all of them knew how hard it was to be sick.

I could not imagine trying to explain to any of these kids that their cancers were a result of something they did wrong, a mistake they had made in their past or present life or an inadequacy. I could not imagine telling a child he/she was not following the path of their soul and that's why they were sick. When a seven-year-old little girl asked me why I thought people got cancer, I said, "Sometimes these things just happen."

That's when I realized that this answer was sufficient enough for me, too. Sometimes, these things just happen.

When they do, it seems like a good idea to treat yourself compassionately, with a lot of kindness and a lot of patience. It might be a good time to remind yourself of your own goodness, of your deep, inner strength. It would probably help to surround yourself with people who shower you with support and understanding.

I'm not saying don't look for the deeper meaning in your life's struggles. I'm certainly not saying don't do any soul searching when life throws you an unpleasant curve ball. I'm not saying ignore the often beautiful lessons we learn about ourselves when life tests us. But to believe that your hardships are some kind of punishment from the universe will only create more negativity and more despair. Whether you believe in karma or not, all that any of us are really capable of creating is love. I'm starting to suspect that's what everything and everyone is here to teach us. If we really are the creators of our lives, shouldn't we focus on creating this?

*MSP stands for: Misunderstood Spiritual Truth

Misusing Spiritual Truths-The BIG Picture

Lately I've been attracting some pretty spiritually savvy individuals into my coaching clientele. They come with lofty goals and quite a bit of spiritual knowledge, armed with words like choose, create, and manifest. They are aware of their chakras and their intentions; they are familiar with the Law of Attraction and the Law of Karma. They can sense the energy of others and are cognizant of their own vibrations. And I swear, they are harder on themselves than anyone else I work with. It is nothing short of amazing how they misuse the spiritual truths they've learned over the years to abuse themselves further.

The more I work with these clients, the more I love them. They remind me so very much of someone I know and love dearly. Someone who took years upon years of spiritual study and manipulated it to create an incredibly large amount of self-judgment and undeserved guilt. Someone who misunderstood the words of prophets and gurus and used their teachings for evidence of her lack of goodness. That someone would be me.

I feel so strongly about spiritual misunderstandings (they seem to be quite common with those committed to bettering themselves) that I have decided to write a book on this topic. Realistically, it may be several years before I can publish this book and I'd like to clear up at least some of these misunderstandings sooner rather than later. So for the next few weeks, I am devoting a series of blog entries to the spiritual truths I see being most misused by my clients and those around me. I hope this will shine some clarity on what I had to learn, and unlearn, to find my own spiritual path. I hope that this will save some of you beautiful and precious people the years of mental anguish I put my own self through.

Let's start at the beginning. Let's start at the purpose behind spiritual truths. Every solid spiritual truth has the same intention-to teach you to love both yourself and others. I'm sure one could argue that spiritual truths also teach you to empower yourself, to take responsibility for your creations and much more. I don't disagree, but for now, let's just keep it simple. Spiritual truths are meant to teach you love and compassion. You must include yourself in that love and compassion.


If you find yourself learning a spiritual truth and you are not inspired to love yourself when you embrace this truth, there are two possibilities. 1-You have misunderstood the spiritual truth. 2-It is not a spiritual truth. Most likely, number 1 is the culprit.

I have a feeling that at some point in time, we humans will realize all of our suffering is really just the result of misunderstandings. There is such an innocence to humanity and we have a tendency to misunderstand things a lot. (That is one of the reasons I think Footprints In the Sand is such a popular and moving poem-it illustrates our human tendency for misunderstanding).

If you learn a spiritual truth, and you find yourself creating more self-judgment, you are misunderstanding something. Self-judgment is the opposite of self-love. Notice that I did not say self-reflection or self-improvement was the opposite of self-love. I said self-judgment.

You can tell the difference between a reflection of yourself that inspires love (even if it means admitting you need to change something about yourself) and something that brings you more self-judgment. Self-reflection and self-improvement inspire a plan of action for change. Self-judgment inspires you to feel crappy about who you are. Self-improvement feels liberating; self-judgment feels imprisoning. Self-reflection and self-improvement help you realize your potential and your goodness. Self-judgment makes you feel like you are bad*.

Let me give you an example I will expound upon more in my next post. I come from a family of spiritual healers. Some of my best and closest friends are healers. Basically, I am surrounded by healers of all different types and I notice a tendency these wonderful people have. Whenever one of them gets sick, they act as if they did something wrong. As if their cancer or their cold or their broken arm is a result of a terrible spiritual mistake they made. As if they should be ashamed of their illness or sickness. They'll go into all of this self-judgment about how they didn't align their chakras well enough or they didn't pray enough or they strayed from the path of God. What a horrible mental story to add to the already difficult physical condition of being sick!

I always feel a sense of deep and aching sadness when this happens. I want to shake these people awake, into their own goodness. I want to tell them-No! Wait! You've misunderstood something! Every truth is here to teach us to love. When you go into your story of self-judgment, you are out of the story of self-love. When you go into judgment, you are out of love. This is my personal interpretation of the biblical story of Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. I don’t believe Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge; I think they ate from the tree of judgment (and this self- judgment brought shame). Simply put, when you’re eating apples from the tree of judgment, you’re not able to stay in paradise.

If you notice yourself slipping into self-judgment when you learn a new spiritual truth, just pause for a second. More than likely you've misunderstood the clarity and love this truth was intended to bring you. Look closely at the truth. Look deeply to see if you can find the self-love it was meant to teach you. I have studied every major religion on this planet and have read hundreds of spiritual texts. I can find one common denominator in each of them, and that is the spiritual truth of love.

If you are trying to better yourself, and you are not learning self-love, you're missing the point. If you're not learning self-love, you won't learn to unconditionally love others. Without love for ourselves and others, what do we have?

Self-love is the foundation of a spiritually centered life. If you remember this, then learning the true meaning of spiritual truths will be much more pleasant. The spiritual truths will inspire love, not judgment. It will become easier and easier to love others and to put love into the world once you have set the foundation to love yourself.

This week, as you go throughout your day, see if you can feel your way into self-love. See if you can find small ways to be compassionate and loving to yourself. This is the beginning of understanding all the other spiritual truths. Put down those apples of self-judgment; you want to be in paradise. Start practicing love. Start practicing love first with the one person that you know will always be with you-yourself. Then watch what happens to how you feel and how you react to those around you.

*It seems to me that many religions have a tendency to inspire people into self-judgment, out of a lack of true understanding for what their prophets and founders were really preaching. The human tendency for misunderstandings is very, very common. If you remember that every true prophet teaches love and compassion for the self and others, you may begin to see religious teachings in a different way.

To thine own self, be true.

The road to freedom is not through feeling good; it is through feeling true to yourself.
-Deepak Chopra

There is a common belief that I keep coming across whenever I'm talking with someone who is actively working to better his or her life. Although each individual has his/her own ways of expressing this, in its simplist form it goes something like this: Being Happy is Good. Being anything other than Happy is Bad.

I see this belief run its destructive course in many places and invalidate many a person. I've seen it turn spiritual people into depressed beings and turn even the most sincere people into phony baloney. And for those of us who are in fields where our entire careers revolve around helping other people become happier and healthier, this belief can cause havok.
Why is feeling anything other than happiness so taboo?

I was reminded of this the other day when I was talking to a friend who is also a healer. She is an incredibly intuitive person who I feel blessed to have met. I love how honest and how real she is. I notice she has a habit of doubting herself and her healing abilities whenever she talks about her negative emotions and thoughts. She'll confide that she is angry or sad or frustrated and then say-How can I heal people when I feel these negative emotions? No matter how many times I try to convince her that she is a very gifted healer, there seems to be a part of her that believes a healer should always be happy, should never feel negative, should never get sick. Basically, a healer should never be human.

I have also lived the majority of my life being imprisoned by this belief that anything other than happiness is really not warranted. I thought that growing up in a country as prosperous as America-and having all of my material needs met-meant I had no right to any negativity at all. And any time I DID feel negative, I would feel guilty. A few years ago, I met a wise person who said: Feel your feelings. So I took his advice and started doing just this.

When I was angry, I felt my anger. I just decided to be there, with it. Not to act on it, but just to keep it company. I watched how my jaw would tighten, how my stomach would clench and how my breath would become more shallow. I would say to myself-Right now, I'm feeling angry (even if my lizard jumped in with its invalidation).

Then I learned Vipassana meditation and this took my entire skill set of self-observation to a new level. With Vipassana, I learned not only to feel how my body reacted to the sensations of negative emotions but to notice the thoughts that preceeded these sensations. "There's that thought again!" I would find myself observing. "No one loves me and soon I'll run out of money and be homeless." Then I would watch how my body would react to this thought. It was interesting to say the least, like watching a storm roll in. No matter how awful, eventually it would pass and then the sun would come out.

This past Sunday, G. and I had our American wedding. Even though we had a large wedding in India, and our wedding in the states was small and just for friends and family, I felt myself getting nervous as I walked down the aisle. We wrote our vows and I felt that familiar lump in my throat when G. started saying his.

These were my thoughts: Oh no! I'm going to cry. My make-up is going to get ruined. Everyone is going to think I'm such a sap. Why am I even nervous? We've already gotten married before! This is so stupid that I'm even getting anxious up here. We practiced these vows so many times. Why I am about to cry now, in front of everyone?

These were the sensations in my body: Knees shaking slightly. Legs tensed up. Lump in throat. Surge of heat from stomach up to the neck. Hands feeling slightly sweaty.

In that moment I was woman at the altar feeling nervous, about to cry. I stayed with those emotions and those sensations and kept them company. Then, I watched them slip into a beautiful sense of love and joy and yes, happiness.

Your negative emotions are yours to feel. Notice them when they pop up. Observe them. When you see your lizard jumping in with its invalidation (ie: You should not feel this), keep feeling them anyway. Keep those negative emotions company and see what happens. You might just find, as I did, that they are actually great gifts. If you learn to watch them (rather than suppress them, judge them or immediately act upon them), you may realize that your negative emotions are there to clear the way for your happiness. Happiness is then no longer something you have to chase after but something that you just feel your way into.

Don't entertain this nonsense that you have no right to feel your negative emotions or that you should always be happy. Be true to yourself and what you feel. It's the only way to be free.

What happens when you change the rules...

Not so long ago (although it feels like a lifetime ago), I was a middle school teacher. My last gig was in a poorly-run school that couldn't seem to retain either its teachers or its administration, which led to a lot of confusion and disorganization. But when the rules started changing, that's when things got really bad.

At the beginning of the school year, the kids were told they could wear hats to class. But then word got around that hats could be gang-related so the rule changed to "no hats allowed." The students were told they could listen to their i-pods during lunch and recess. But after several thefts of some quite expensive i-pods and phones, all electronic devices were banned. Because of this, a lot of disagreements broke out between the teachers, the students and the parents.

You can imagine the chaos that ensued when the rules changed. The students had gotten used to the old rules and when they changed, the kids resisted. Big time.

It's human nature to want consistency, to want "the rules" to stay the same. Most of us like the comfort of predictability. When something changes, or keeps changing, it's completely normal at first to resist it. Like children, we may even yearn for the old way because the new way feels different and perhaps requires a different set of behaviors from us. On the level of logic, most of us can completely understand this.

But what happens when YOU change? What happens when you change the unspoken rules of conduct between you and others?

Well, my friend, you might as well get prepared for the backlash that will come from some of your most near and dear. Like children, they may do what my thirteen year old students (and some of their parents) did when the rules changed-scream and yell and resist like hell. And you've got to be prepared for this. You've got to understand the nature of the Changeback Attack if you want to keep moving forward.

A Changeback Attack is quite simply the resistance you receive from someone you love and care about when you start to change for the better. People you love and respect may say, through their words or actions, "Changeback!" (as in: return to who you used to be; I don't like this change in you). This will not feel like a rational conversation; it will feel just like an attack and this person will often go for your jugular (Metaphorically speaking, of course. If someone is actually going for your jugular, you're experiencing more than a Changeback Attack and you should probably be calling 911).

Sometimes, however, a Changeback Attack may be more subtle and use some form of emotional manipulation (like guilt). These kinds of attacks may be harder to spot than the in-your-face attacks, but the results are the same. After a Change-Back Attack, you will walk away feeling as if you were emotionally slapped in the face and wondering why this person, who is so dear to you, can't be happy for the positive changes you've made in your life.

Time and time again I see this happen with my clients. They've been working hard-for weeks, months even-to really make some progress in the direction of their goals and dreams. Just when they really start to get things moving-Bam! a Changeback Attack comes out of left field from someone they greatly respect. They are left confused and hurt. They don't understand why someone who loves them wouldn't be happy for them. And then they begin to doubt themselves.

Take, for example, this sneaky Changeback Attack from the husband of one of my clients (I'll call her Betty). Betty is extremely bright and was a gifted, professional dancer before she got married. For the past ten years, Betty's been following her husband around the world as he pursues various kinds of advanced degrees and interests. She gave up a high-paying political advocacy job to stay at home and raise the kids while her husband moved them around the country looking for "the perfect job and the perfect boss."

Her husband has a job he loves but it barely makes enough money to support the family. The kids are now both in school and Betty wants to go back to work. She knows she has the ability to make gobs of money doing something she loves and she called me to help her figure out how to pave that path. Just when Betty started making some real progress (as in opening her own dance studio), her husband suggests that they remove their kids from a perfectly decent school and have Betty homeschool them. He made sure to mention how important it was for the children to receive a quality education and laid on the guilt big-time about her "taking time away from the family to start her own business" This is a Changeback Attack.

Now I'm sure on some level Betty's husband really does want her to be happy. And it doesn't sound like he would mind some extra money coming in either. But a part of him is scared-terrified even- of this change in Betty. He knows this change will require a change in the dynamics of their family. Even though Betty is getting closer and closer to her dreams, he's trying to convince her to stay the same old, stay-at-home-take-care-of-the-kids Betty because that is what feels safe to him. Betty is changing the rules. Rather than face the fear and uncertainty of this change, he'd much rather she just "Changeback."

Yes, it's immature. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, it's rooted in fear. And I don't have one client who hasn't had it happen when they've started to make progress towards their goals.

No matter who you are or whom you've surrounded yourself with, at some point in your personal growth, you will most likely experience a Changeback Attack. So let's talk about when/why they occur and what you can do to deal with them.

How to Spot a Changeback Attack
1. A Changeback Attack will usually be from someone you deeply love and/or respect.
2. A Changeback Attack will come when you've really started to make some progress towards a goal or dream of yours. (ie: You're no longer just talking about getting back in shape but are actually going to the gym).
3. The Changeback Attack will feel unfair. It will not have the energy of a rational conversation but will feel like an attack. It will feel like you have just been slapped in the face emotionally.

This is what you can do when you receive a Changeback Attack:
1. No matter how unfair, listen to what the attacker has to say and see if you can hear the fear underneath their words. Don't worry about defending your decisions/changes you've made. Just listen.
2. Once your attacker is done, acknowledge that you have heard him/her and that you will think about what they have said.
3. Find some time to go off in a quiet place and be alone. Check in with your Body Compass. Does the change you've made feel like an Essential Self "Yes" or "No?"
4. If it feels like the changes you are making really are moving you in the direction of your dreams, if it feels like your Essential Self is saying "Yes!" then by all means, proceed. If it feels like your Essential Self is saying "No" (this is rare but does happen sometimes) review your course of action and change appropriately.
5. Recognize that a Changeback Attack is actually a compliment of your growth and progress.
6. Go out and celebrate. Only those who have significantly changed get Changeback Attacks.
7. Identify the people in your life who are happy for your change and who are supporting you. Spend more time with these people.

Throughout my own life, I've received more Changeback Attacks than I can count. But the most interesting, and painful, one was from a very dear friend of mine. This person had continued to encourage me to grow spiritually and follow my dreams and after a year of deep self-exploration and meditation, I had grown. A LOT. When I shared with him all of my insights (like an excited child), he practically rolled his eyes.

"I know someone who is spiritually gifted but she's also very arrogant." he told me. "You're starting to remind me of her."

I remember feeling emotionally floored by this comment. I had honestly thought, considering the nature of our friendship, that this person would be jumping for joy over my personal growth. I went home, cried, and then checked back in with my Essential Self. I realized that, in spite of this comment from my trusted confidant, I was moving in the right direction. And after some reflection, I realized the Changeback Attack for what it was. This friend had been a spiritual mentor to me for many years and perhaps was afraid that he was no longer needed in my life.
I had changed the rules. The old rule had been that he had the spiritual wisdom. The new rule was that I could find my spiritual truths on my own. Quite frankly, he wasn't happy about this rule change so he threw me a Changeback Attack.

If you're making positive changes and you receive a Changeback Attack, recognize it for what it is. You are changing the rules and the kids don't like it. Continue to move forward with your positive growth. You never know what may happen. One day, they may decide to join you.

Creating Essential Rituals

India is a country that is abundant with rituals. It seemed to me (the outsider that I was) that everything had some kind of ritual, or, at the very least, a certain way that it was to be done. When I was studying Eastern culture many years ago and read about all of these rituals, I thought they must feel suffocating and stifling to those who were subjected to them. As someone who loves her freedom and independence, the idea of so many strictly defined ways of doing things seemed almost oppressive.

But, surprisingly, I found quite a bit of spiritual solace in India. I knew exactly what was expected of me at almost all times (as my husband's cousins would whisper to me what I should do in unfamiliar situations) and I began to realize what I could expect from others almost always. In an environment where everything was brand new to me and completely foreign, these set of rituals brought about a sense of inner peace and safety. They were like a comforting cocoon as I attempted to transgress cultural and language barriers.

When it was time to eat, I would wash my hands and then knew only to eat with my right hand. I knew I should always remove my shoes before entering any one's house or store and that I should always step into a temple with my right foot first. I learned how to pay respect to my elders (bowing and touching their feet) and how to acknowledge those I did not know (Namaste). I knew that when I entered any one's house I would be offered chai.


There's not a lot of room for many personal choices and individuality in India (at least not compared to what I'm used to here in America). For some reason, this actually made space for a lot more mental freedom than I'm used to. Instead of being distracted about what I should choose or how I would make the right decision, I carried out the appropriate ritual and was free to enjoy the company of those around me. Without having to make so many choices, I actually-and ironically- felt more liberated.

But what I really loved was how sacred everything felt. Now, granted, I did go to India to get married over the course of five days so there were, of course, many sacred marriage rituals of which I was a part. I'm not talking just about those, though. What I'm talking about are the everyday rituals. The walking barefoot, the way people greet others, the temple music in the mornings. All of these rituals put a very special and conscious emphasis on my daily actions.

Upon my return, I realized I wanted to have a lot more rituals in my life. Not because I want to renounce making decisions but because, in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of my life, I tend to forget about the sacredness of precious things, like writing and coaching and meditating. I would like to have some more rituals because they give me something to look forward to and provide a way to remain present and centered.

Recently, I have incorporated some new rituals into my life and have decided to leave some old ones behind. It is amazing how hallowed my mornings feel now that I make sure to get up at dawn, make a cup of coffee and write as the sun rises. I now light a candle every time I have a coaching session and burn incense during my meditation. Each time I complete a dreaded task (like editing a workbook I've written), I've developed a ritual of connecting with someone via email or text messaging, so that I have something to look forward to. Rituals really do help one create a very conscious and spiritual life.

If you are also looking to increase your daily dose of sacredness, you may want to incorporate some rituals into your own life. You probably already have rituals that you participate in-ones that were taught to you or ones that you developed over the years. Take a look at your rituals. Are there any you'd like to scrap? If so, why not leave them behind? Are there any you'd like to start? If so, you may find the following exercise helpful:

1. List three areas of your life that you feel are sacred or that have significant importance to your well-being.

a)________________________________
b)________________________________
c) ________________________________

2. Circle the most important area of your life.

3. List several activities in that particular area of your life.

a)_______________________________________

b)_______________________________________
c)_______________________________________
d)_______________________________________
e) ______________________________________

4. Pick one activity from your list in which you'd like to conduct some sort of ritual.

5. What is the ritual you would like to conduct for this activity? (Remember you can do a ritual before, during or after an activity. Remember also that your ritual should be something you look forward to and enjoy).

6. Do you need any special things for this ritual? If so, list items you will need to carry out your ritual.

a)_______________________________________
b) _______________________________________
c) _______________________________________

7. Obtain any and all items you need for your ritual.

8. Carry out your sacred activity with its corresponding ritual.

*And as always, please feel free to share with me anything you learned along the way.

If you are suffering, question the story

I've studied The Work of Byron Katie for several years now. Even though I have watched so much of my own suffering dissolved by asking her four, simple questions, and even though I've watched client after client use The Work to transform their own thinking, I continue to be surprised by how much attaching to my thoughts and stories creates my own pain. As Katie likes to say, "No one can hurt me-that's my job." Even when I'm tempted to blame someone else for my suffering, I know that when I do The Work, it will become clear that it is only because I am believing my thoughts that I am suffering*.

What was really fascinating, though, is when I got to see an entire culture believing a different
set of thoughts and stories than I did. No where was this contrast more obvious than in India, where for about a month I witnessed an entire culture tell an entirely different set of stories about how to live. I also watched how people suffered when they believed their stories to be true. (It is a great privilege to be an observer of another culture. Then one can learn how to observe and witness others. It then becomes easier to come back into one's own life and observe and witness one's self and one's own culture. I will forever remain grateful to India for its spiritual energy but also for teaching me how to be an observer of my own life.)

Upon my return to the states, I have been watching my own culture and watching the stories I've been told here that I've never questioned because they are so ingrained. Of course we tell totally different stories than what they tell in India. Here we tell the story that it's better to eat with silverware; in India, they tell the story that it is better to eat with the right hand. Here we tell the story that it's better to find one's own romantic partner; in India, they tell the story that it's better if one's family finds one's romantic partner; here we tell the story that independence is admirable; in India, it is the interdependence of a family that is considered admirable.

My Indian family eating with their right hands (which I did as well)

Since my return I've had several friends try to convince me that actually the American story is better, but I know the truth. Neither one is better. Both cultures are just telling stories.

When I went shopping one day with my sister-in-law Seeresha (and being perhaps one of the only woman she knew who was not in an arranged marriage), I was asked many questions about the American way of finding a husband. Seeresha was curious about what it meant to go on a date, and how many men American women have to date before they find someone they want to marry. She was also horrified that women and men get emotionally and physically close and then end their relationship.

"But I'm just thinking now about what you told me," she said, a pained look upon her face, "And I'm thinking that these girls must get very, very hurt. They must get very heartbroken if they get so close to these men and then the relationship ends. Is it true then? Do these women get very hurt in these relationships?"

Seeresha with her son.

I explained to her that, yes, both women and men got hurt in romantic relationships. In fact, I told her that 90% of my clients come to see me about relationship issues and heartbreak.
Seeresha shook her head and said that she felt so sorry for all those poor Americans who did not have their families helping them find a suitable match.

Several weeks before I left for India, some of my colleagues were sharing with me how oppressive they thought Indian culture was as women did not choose their own husbands. "Those arranged marriages!" someone said with an angry shake of her head. "Can you imagine not even being able to pick your own husband?"

I can, actually. I saw many happy women in happy arranged marriages. I've also seen many happy women in happy, non-arranged marriages.

Two cultures. Two different stories.

My husband's younger cousin ran off with a man she fell in love with, even though she had already agreed to a marriage partner her family chose for her. Although this happened last year, she is still ostracized by some members of the family and did not come to our wedding. I watched how members of G.'s family suffered because of this story of what should not have been. I watched how they told the story of her betrayal to them and how she had disgraced their family. Secretly, I admired her courage to follow her heart. But then, of course, "One should follow one's heart" is the story I ascribe to.

Whenever you are suffering, ask yourself, "What is the painful story I am telling?" Then use Byron Katie's method of inquiry (see below), to come to a peaceful relationship with reality.

The Work of Byron Katie (please see her website for more information)

1. State your painful belief as a "should" statement (ie: He should call me on my birthday)
2. Ask yourself the four questions.
a) Is this painful belief true?
b) Can I absolutely know that this painful belief is true?
c) How do I react when I believe this thought?
d) Who would I be without this thought?
3. Turnaround the statement to its opposite. Find 3 reasons why this opposite statement is just as true as your original painful thought.

*Accepting reality does not mean allowing others to abuse you, to mistreat you, or to disrespect you. Many people confuse "accepting reality" with "allowing one's misbehavior to continue." When you accept reality, you accept someone for who they are and some one's behavior for what it is. You still make choices, however, about what you will tolerate, how you would like to live your own life and who you would like in your life. The difference is, you no longer suffer. My husband has this great saying I'd like to share with you: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't hurt or disappoint yourself by expecting something different from them.

So the next time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Then make your own choices about the life you would like to create, only this time, sans suffering.

Why Clarity is so scary...and how to get past your fear

Shirodhara is an ancient India ayurvedic treatment in which hot, herbal oil is poured on one's forehead to calm one's thoughts and bring one clarity. After our wedding, G. and decided to spend a few days at a holistic ayurvedic resort outside of Hyderabad. When I saw that the spa offered authentic Shirodhara (something one rarely finds in the states), I was ecstatic and booked my appointment immediately.

After my 90 minute treatment with two therapists, I felt, well... different. I was calm and relaxed but instead of feeling a little foggy (like I usually do after my meditations or yoga class) I had this interesting hyperawareness about everything. It was as if a brilliant light of truth was shining onto every aspect of my life. Shirodhara is supposed to silence your mind. Perhaps it was a quieted mind that allowed me to see things more clearly.

For me, usually the effects of a spa treatment last one, maybe two days. Then I'm back to where I was before, stressed out and pining for my next visit. But the effects of Shirodhara lasted much longer than your run-of-the-mill massage. Even today, three weeks later, I feel as if I see my whole life in a very transparent way.

Which would be awesome if everything I saw was great. But it's not. It has become almost painfully clear that some members of my family are shmucks (and that's a generous term). That some people who I've given a lot of my time and energy to were so not worth it and that I really need to recategorize my list of "friends" and "people too mean to trust with your pet goldfish."

When I share these newfound insights with my husband, he just nods. He's probably been telling me some version of this newly discovered truth for months now. It's just that I wasn't listening.

Which brings me to this week's topic-Why Clarity (with a capital "C") is so scary.

When we see things clearly, we are left with only two choices: to change that which we do not like or to admit, consciously, that we have no self-respect and will continue to put up with something which we don't wish to tolerate. Change is mostly scary because it brings an unknown. At least (some part of us reasons) if I stay in this crappy job, relationship, bug-worshipping cult, I know what to expect. If I leave it, or demand a change, or change myself, I don't know what lies ahead. And uncertainty is frightening.




Personally, I am a huge social butterfly. I love weekly coffee dates with friends, parties on the weekends, get-togethers with colleagues. In fact, that's probably one of reasons I wanted to become a life coach . I get paid to talk to people all day, for Pete's sake. That's why I've run away from my own Clarity. It's hard for me to be honest with myself and to acknowledge that it's time to reorganize who I spend my time with. This, inevitably, will lead to some lonliness. This may mean I won't have anything to do on a Friday night or that my husband and I will be spending the holidays sans some of my family members. All of this change seems downright horrible! But the alternative, to leave things as they are, is not acceptable, either.


Someone said that the truth will set you free. And it does eventually. But first it sets you terrifed before it sets you free.


Perhaps, you too, are running away from your Clarity. If so, I would advise you to do the exercise below. Answer the following questions openly and honestly. Write down your answers. Then, (and this is just my strategy, which I understand is a little too refined for some), BRIBE yourself like crazy to make the change. Then find a way to give yourself that which you have been trying to get from others or your job or your bug-worshipping cult. Trust me it works.
But do this at your own risk. Change is ahead.


13 Steps to Clarity
1. You have a sneaking suspicion that something unpleasant is true. You've suspected this for awhile but haven't wanted to admit it. What is it Clarity is trying to tell you? (ie: You have a dead-end job and want to quit, your best friend is lying to you, your uncle is secretly a crossdresser, etc)


2. What is it that you believed you HAD to do in regards to what you wrote above? (ie: I have to stay in my job, I have to pretend Susie isn't lying to me, I have to pretend Uncle Raymond didn't steal my black teddy, etc)


3. What is the price you pay-emotionally, physically, spiritually and/or financially-for believing that #2 is true? Right now it may seem that what you wrote down for question 2 IS true but just play along.


4. Are there other options that could took take in this situation? (instead of what you wrote for question #2?) (ie: I could quit my job and find another one, I could confront Susie about her lies, I could demand Uncle Ray not steal my lingerie, etc). List as many as you can. Get creative. Get silly even.


5. If you took one of the feasible actions you listed in #4, how would you feel?


6. Look at your answers for #3 and for #5. Which feels better? *Note: Until #5 feels better than #3 you will not be ready to make a change*


7. Honestly, what needs to change? (ie: I need to quit my job and find another one)


8. Write down a list of steps you could take to make this change. Break these steps into teeny tiny steps (ie: I could update the first job on my resume, I could write the first paragraph of a cover letter, I could subscribe to yahoo jobs, etc). Then break these steps down even further (I could actually just look at my current resume, I could google the search phrase, "How to write a great cover letter" and save the links, I could add yahoo jobs to my "favorite links" list).


9. Now, write a list of treats-these will be your bribes-that you could give yourself each time to take a tiny step towards making that change. *Note: These treats should be on the smaller scale but must be things that you TRULY enjoy (ie: I could watch my favorite TV show, I could take a nature walk, I could eat a chocolate bar, etc).


10. Now list one HUGE treat you will give yourself once you complete making the change (ie: I will sign up for a one-hour massage, I will rent a cabin in the mountains for the weekend, I will buy myself a new outfit, etc).


11. Fill in the blank with as many positive adjectives as possible: After I make this change, I will probably feel: ___________________________________.


12. What can you do, today, that will help you feel the feelings (even if just on a small level) that you listed in #11? Make a list of things. (For example, if you wrote that quitting your job would give you a feeling of freedom and rollarblading also brings you a feeling of freedom, you could put rollarblading down on your list. The point here is not to help make the change process easier by giving yourself tastes of what the change will bring).

13. Everyday, you need to do at least one of the things you listed in #12. Each time you take an actual tiny step towards the change, you must give yourself a small treat. When you have made the huge change, you MUST give yourself the huge treat, no exceptions!

The Temple of Self and The Temple of Soul

I spent the month of August in south India. I spent five days getting married to the love of my life, and the rest of the time in a kind of awed stupor. Rarely have I gotten a chance to be a pure observer of what was happening around me. But in India I was surrounded by people I did not know, speaking a language I did not understand, and doing things I had never seen done before. Because of this, I was truly able to stand outside of myself and witness all that was happening around me in a detached and compassionate way. I found myself experiencing an amazing clarity about life and the human condition. I found myself losing the feeling as if I had a "self" at all. I have decided to share several interesting lessons I learned from my journey to the east in this blog. I hope they will help you in some way as you continue your own journey through this life.



In India, there are temples everywhere. No, really. I mean everywhere. (Think the American equivalent of Starbucks.) You can't go one block without stumbling on a temple. There are several in each neighborhood, along the sides of the highway, placed randomly in the market streets, in the middle of cities and rural villages alike. They are huge and magnificent or they are small, dirty concrete boxes. Gods are beautifully carved statues decorated with valuable jewels or they are rocks or piles of clay painted with turmeric and kum kum. It doesn't seem to matter there. A temple is a place where God lives. A God is an object one decides is a God. The God is named, a cleansing prayer is done and followers worship appropriately.

Never in my life have I been surrounded by so much devotion.

Every morning at 5am the temples would play their kirtans (these are kind of like hymns). The city of Hyderabad wakes up to the sounds of sacred music before the sun rises. Each business has an altar that you see when you enter. Every Friday pooja (prayer) is done in the stores, incense and candles are lit, pictures and statues of Gods are blessed with vermilion. Customers wait for the owner of the shop to finish and then go to the altar to pay respects to the God before they go shopping. It seems as if all of the social events and holidays in India revolve around the celebration of some religious aspect or another-the defeating of an evil spirit or the celebration of a God's birthday. The whole culture seems to hum with a kind of ritualistic faith no matter where you go.

Om Nama Shivaya, Shivaya, Nama Om.

For me, it is easy to slip in and out of temples, to offer my prayers and participate in sacred rituals, no matter what religion. I have an atypical understanding of God because I believe the concept of God is symbolic. So when I am in a spiritual place, I try to understand what the God before me symbolizes, and then I try to bring these aspects from my higher self into my own personality. For me, Jesus represents unconditional love, Abraham represents faith, Buddha stands for detached observation and truth, and the Hindu Gods represent the qualities they are known for (there are, quite frankly, so many it would be hard for me to list them all here).

Since I was a small child, I have been sensitive to the energy in different places. To some people this sounds strange. To others, they know exactly to what I'm referring. Never before have I felt such strong spiritual energy as I did in India. It was magnetic and all consuming. It dissolved my stories and my sense of self and humbled me to the point where I realized I could do nothing else but spend the rest of my life serving others if I wanted to be happy. I understood unconditional love and compassion and devotion and self-discipline all at once. Never before have I felt so close to the highest aspect of life that I call God.

It occurred to me while I was in India that we are suffering a kind of spiritual crisis in America. It is not so much that we don't know devotion. It is that we have given so much devotion to this concept of "self" that we are creating a great deal of personal suffering. We have unconsciously created such a large void within ourselves by constantly giving offerings to our egos that we aren't able to see our way out of it. Look at all of the temples to the self we have created in this culture! Look at all of the excuses we have made to remain self-centered.

We have a ridiculous amount of prosperity in this country. Even as we tell this story about being in a "recession" it is almost embarrassing the amount of material wealth that is present here. Yet here we all are, grasping for more. Here we are, physically overweight and spiritually starving. I am not being self righteous here; I have been grasping right along beside you for many years. I have been listening to my personality and ignoring the needs of my highest self.

Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare.

Several years ago, I was a bit shaken up when Thich Nhat Hahn, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, referred to America as "the land of the hungry ghosts." After visiting India, I feel more like shell shocked. As long as we continue to be devoted to this temple of self, we will remain unhappy and unfulfilled. As long as we continue to offer prayers to our self-image, we will remain imprisoned. Liberation comes when we devote our lives to something higher than the needs of our personalities, when we become devoted to the needs of our souls. It seems to me that if one wants to live a happy life, a peaceful life, one needs to stop visiting the Temple of Self and begin worshipping in the Temple of Soul.

The way to do this is to ask your soul what it needs. Then find a way to devote your life to it. Watch the abundance that flows when you live this kind of beautiful life. Watch the joy that seeps into your whole being when you serve your greatest self. Watch the amazing process of losing the concept of an "I" or a "me".

I cannot tell you what it is your soul needs. It is your soul. Nor can I tell you the path that you should take to get there. But I have a feeling that if you start searching, if you start asking your soul what it needs in the quiet dawn hours of the morning, the answers will start coming. And when you do start hearing the answers, may you have the courage to live your truth.

Taking the first step (even when it's teeny)

Lao Tzu said that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.


He did not say the journey begins by running the first mile. He did not say one needs to consult all of the thousand-mile journey experts before starting. He did not scoff at the smallness of one step on a journey of what will be many, many steps or tell others to ruminate on the magnitude of the journey ahead. He said simply take one step.

For those of us who were brought up to be overachievers (ahem) the concept of starting small can seem like, well, underachieving. It can seem too easy and naive. It can seem like nothing will get accomplished if we set such a little goal.

I get that, I really do. Each time I set a goal I feel the need to get started in a big way. I decided I wanted to have a daily yoga practice so I've convinced myself I need to find 90 minutes in my day for asanas. I decided I wanted to start waking up earlier and I reset my morning alarm from 8am to 5 am. I decided I wanted to run again so I looked up marathon training programs.

At least now I know how to recognize my ego when it rears its big head. I also know, from years of experience, what will happen if I listen to it and take this approach. I will either be too intimidated by the goal to even get started or I will try to do too much at once and fall flat on my face. Lao Tzu knew what he was talking about. One step is a good place to start.

One step is also the place of humility. The ego hates taking just one step. It's not big enough, it's not good enough. It certainly is not impressive enough. It will never get the accolades that taking a bigger step would receive. To take one step, to start small, really means to learn how to silence the ego.

I like personifying thoughts or beliefs that do not serve me. When I do this, they lose their power and become funny. I've shared with you in past posts my lizard, Blanche (the self-critical monologue inside my head). I would now like to introduce you to my ego.

Interestingly enough, my ego looks just like a kind of guy I've seen at every gym I've ever belonged to. You know the guy I'm talking about. The guy who is not really that muscular but feels the need to hold his arms really far away from his body to give the impression his biceps are too huge to allow him to place them normally at his sides. That guy. That guy always cracks me up. He is just trying extremely hard to be impressive and it's so obvious. Sounds just like my ego.

For the record, since I decided I wanted to really start deepening my yoga practice several months ago, I haven't done a damn pose at home. I sleep through my 5am alarm every morning and have yet to buy a new pair of running shoes.

One step, one step, one step.

This morning, I decided to take one step. I did one pigeon pose. It felt great. My lizard, Blanche, started in with "How do you ever expect to get anything accomplished in your life if you just do these insignificant tiny things?" For a moment, I started to feel like a naive child. How was I going to develop a full yoga practice by just doing less than five minutes of yoga?

Then I remembered that today was the first day I had actually done yoga in quite awhile. When I listened to Blanche and my ego, nothing got accomplished. Or things seemingly got accomplished and then fell apart because I didn't build them with a solid foundation that a gradual approach would have sustained.

I know that Blanche and my ego aren't going away (at least not any time soon) no matter how much I may want them to leave. But I do have Lao Tzu. He seems a lot more wise and honest and realistic.

At the center of your being you have the answer. You know who you are and you know what you want.
-Lao Tzu

*Next time you decide to make a goal, watch how the ego will enter and tell you that you need to do things in a big way. Resist this temptation and take one small step in the direction of what you'd like to create. Be prepared for your lizard to come in and berate the insignificance of your small actions. Proceed anyway and see what happens.