Square Two or The Emancipation of You

Let's face it. Square One sucks. Your old life disintegrates before your eyes, you are thrown back and forth between a whole bunch of unpleasant emotions as you process through the grief cycle and then you go through the Ring of Fire. Ugh.

The good news is that once you are done in Square One, you get to go to Square Two.

If I haven't mentioned this before (and I believe I have but a review is sometimes helpful), Martha Beck identifies four squares in any change cycle. She likens the changes to a butterfly metamorphosis, in which one must completely dissolve an aspect of one's life in order to create a new aspect. Caterpillars, for those of you who don't know, don't build a cocoon, hibernate inside and then sprout some wings. (Why wasn't I ever taught this in science class?) They actually dissolve into a soupy substance where only their heart remains intact and whole. They then reform an entirely new body-their butterfly body-around their heart before they emerge from the cocoon.

Square One was so hard because you dissolved into a soupy substance. Square Two is better for most people, because you get to build your new, butterfly body. (Of course, I mean "body" in an abstract sense although those making new diet/exercise plans may actually be creating a new physical body).

Beck tells us life coaches that when a client is in Square Two several things will happen. There will be a dramatic image alteration (think brand new hair), the client will mention night dreams becoming more powerful or intense, (or a client who could not previously remember dreams will start remembering them) and the client will, in general, start thinking of what they would like to create next. The mantra for Square Two (meaning the way clients will generally feel in this part of the change cycle) is: There are no rules.

Whoever existed prior to the change is gone in some big way, and the sky's the limit as to what the client wants to create next.

As many of you who follow this blog know, my life coaching business is in its infant stages. However, over the past three months, I've coached lots of clients. Several of them dropped off once they hit the Ring of Fire, several of them are going through the Ring of Fire right now, and two of them have just emerged into Square Two. I don't have any client examples to share with you about Square Two because my clients aren't there yet. But I am there so I can share my experience and what you can possibly expect (although keep in mind that your Square Two experience may be quite different).

Beck told us in class the other day that a lot of clients like Square Two. There's a lot of freedom here and exploring of a new self. For most people, this is an imaginative and creative time. Because I consider myself a creative person, I was looking forward to Square Two. I was actually thinking that it would be a lot of fun.

Boy, was I wrong. Square Two is more frightening for me than the Ring of Fire. Why? You may ask. Well, there are no rules in Square Two. I can create whatever I'd like. But this lack of structure, this lack of knowing if I'm doing things right or not, this total freedom is terrifying.

See, prior to Square One I could tell you that my life was super-organized and that I was on top of everything. I exuded confidence and control. I knew what was expected of me and I delivered exceptional results. Then I get to Square Two and realize that I don't know anything. What's more is that the old me and the parts of my old life that are still around just don't fit anymore so I'm letting them go, without knowing, for sure, what's going to come next.

Let me give you some specific examples of my Square Two drama. In my old life, as a teacher, I had to wake up at 6am so that I could get to work on time, ready to teach. I knew that I had to wear conservative clothes (think adolescent boys) and comfortable shoes (think on feet all day, running around like crazy). I knew what I was doing as a teacher (I taught for six years) and I knew my "role" at work. I knew that I only had 20 minutes for lunch and so would plan lunch meals accordingly. I knew what time I could leave and when I would get home. Often I would be so exhausted after work that I would either skip my evening workouts or limit them to 30 minutes 'cuz that's all I could handle. When I got home I would make dinner with my husband, complain about how much I hated my job, read and then fall asleep only to do it all over again the next day. Just writing about this old life makes me nauseous. It was horrible!

But now? I can get up whenever I'd like (my clients want late-morning or afternoon slots so no need to wake up before sunrise). I can wear whatever I'd like. I can do those 45-1 hour interesting workouts in my Shape magazine because I actually have the energy now to do them. I can work on my business or I can sunbathe at our pool. I can take an hour lunch break. I can find new recipes and try them out for dinner. There is no exhaustion, there is no frustration. There is a lot more fun and joy and laughter. Every time I finish a coaching session, I am so in awe of the healing power that has just taken place, I feel an immense sense of gratitude and tell my husband how lucky I am to have this job.

You're probably wondering, so what the heck is the problem here?

The problem is that I don't recognize myself and because of this, my lizard, Blanche (remember her?) is having an absolute fit. She tells me every day when I luxuriously roll out of bed at 8 that I'm being irresponsible. When I go for a walk in our beautiful Zen garden, she chastises me for being too self-indulgent. Yesterday, I had some intense creative urges to change the color formats of my blog and she started freaking out about me "working on the weekends." Each time I make successful progress with my business, she dismisses it as "luck that will soon run out." Blanche is so threatened by Square Two because her voice isn't all that important to me any more.

My husband is a business analyst consultant and usually works 10-12 hours a day. He hasn't been on a project the past six weeks and so we've had the best honeymoon time one could wish for. We relax on our deck with our iced mochas in the morning. He has time to run some of the household errands I hate to do and so I've been relieved of that. We've been able to play tennis in the early afternoons together. It's been wonderful. We also go out now a lot more than we used to since neither of us has to be up early for work. Last night, we decided to go to little Italian cafe in downtown Atlanta.

I chose to wear three inch black heels, very short white shorts, and a sheer, silk long-sleeved black shirt. My husband just about fell off of the couch. "My God," he said, "You look great."

See, for the past year, the guy's been offering to take me shopping. He has gently tried to persuade me to trade in my Danskos for strapless, toe-bearing sandals. He has offered to buy me V-neck shirts instead of my safe, cover-up-even-the-collar-bone T's. When we've gone out, he's suggested I wear a sexy skirt or a dress and I snap, "Um, excuse me, have you forgotten that I'm a teacher and may run into my student's parents any where we go?"

That old life though, is now gone. Not only am I dressing differently, but I've dyed my hair back to its dark brown color and recently had it layered. The other day I bought red (gasp!) nail polish and gave myself a mani AND a pedi. Even though I still wear minimal make-up, I've invested in some trendier items, like white eye liner and bright red lipstick.

"I think you have the Square Two phase confused with becoming a slut," Blanche likes to say these days.

I pat her on the head, give her a grape and tell her I won't be mad if she decides to take a little vacation away from my life. Square Two CAN be scary. If you get there and the lack of rules and the lack of structure starts to freak you out, just remember this is all part of the process. Pat your lizard on the head and tell her that's it's okay that you want to dress differently and wear your hair in a new way. The old you is gone and the new you is fabulous.

*I'd love to hear about or see any makeovers that you've done in Square Two. Post them to the blog or send them to me-I love before and afters! I'll get mine up here soon.

Honoring the Negative

If you are ready to change and you are willing to go through the Ring of Fire (see last post), then you may want to prepare yourself for what will surface as you move through the change cycle. My experience has been that the magnitude of the change I make is directly proportional to the magnitude of the negativity that arises within my Ring of Fire. If I take on a little change, the Ring of Fire isn't too tough. But for those sea changes, those life-altering-I'll-never-be-the-same-after-this changes, the Ring of Fire gets a little more difficult.

As with any change, some old pattern or habit or aspect of one's life dissolves so that a new pattern or habit or aspect of one's life can emerge. Something dies so that something new may be born. Even if this change is welcomed, even if this change is what one has been dreaming for one's entire life, it is still a change. It still means that something dies, that something that was there previously is now gone. (It is interesting how some people think that just because they've made a change for the better that they should not experience any negativity with the change). Not suprisingly, when change happens, many people go through the same emotions they experience when someone they love is dying or has died. A change is, in essence, a death.

If you are not familiar with these emotional stages that accompany a death outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, they are: 1. denial, 2. anger, 3. bargaining, 4. grief, 5. acceptance. Kübler-Ross discusses how people often transition back and forth between stages; it's not as if we go through one stage and then neatly move on to the next one. People who are making changes go through these stages as well, often transitioning back and forth between one stage and the next.

All of this is fairly easy to understand and makes sense. A change is the death of something, and one often denies it, gets angry about it, starts to reason that maybe it doesn't have to happen and thinks of some ways to come to some kind of compromise, gets very sad and mourns the old way, and then, finally, accepts the change and finds a state of peace. For me, I notice that right after I emerge from denial I start bargaining and then when that doesn't work I get angry. Grief immediately follows the anger and then I get to a state of acceptance. So it may help if, instead of looking at these stages like you can expect to go through denial first, then anger, then bargaining, etc, look at all of these emotions and know that you can expect to cycle through any of them at any time when you are making a change.

It is also important to honor the negativity that arises and to not be scared of it surfacing. It is a natural part of the process and, in order to be released, needs to be felt.

I've mentioned the Law of Attraction before on this blog and many of my fellow Martha Beck life coaches are also into it. If you're not familiar with this law, it's very simple. It basically states that you can attract what you'd like into your life by changing your energetic vibration, or the "vibes" you release out into the world. For example, if you'd like more abundance in your life, you make space in your day to quiet your mind and feel what it would feel like to have more abundance. You "pretend" like you already have abundance, and focus on whatever sensations that brings into your being. So for example, for me having abudance feels solid and secure. My breathing slows and my shoulders release and I feel calm.

By pretending that you have what you'd like, you can "reset" your vibrations to attract what you'd like to attract. The law states that like attracts like, so (using my example), I can attract abundance by changing my energetic vibrations to a state of abundance. The other day I explained it to a client this way: It's like changing your radio station. If you're listening to pop rock on 94.1 and you want the classical music on 90.1, you've got to change the dial to hear the music you'd like.

This makes sense, right? But there are some huge misunderstandings that I'm noticing as I coach people and as I discuss the Law of Attraction with my fellow coaches, especially when people are willing to go through the Ring of Fire. People are misunderstanding this awesome law as they are in the midst of making positive changes and this is causing them even more pain and suffering. I'd like to clear some things up here so that, as you muster the courage to pass through The Ring of Fire and make the changes you'd like to better your life, you don't fall into the same trap.
Common Misunderstanding: If I feel my negative emotions, then that means I'll attract negative things into my life.

This is totally not true. The negative emotions of sadness, fear, grief, etc. exist for a reason. They are normal and essential to feel for they guide us in the ways we need to be guided. Byron Katie would say the negative emotions are urging us to rethink our thoughts. Many psychologists say that these emotions help us realize our boundaries. I had a spiritual healer who told me feeling our way through our negative emotions was an essential step to happiness. Whatever your belief system, negative emotions serve a purpose and they often surface when there is a change in your life. By being afraid of feeling them, you only generate more fear. By stuffing them down because you're afraid you're going to attract negativity only suppresses them, making it even more probable that you will attract situations that try to get them to surface. (Read: more painful situations that challenge you to feel negativity).

Negative emotions need to be honored. They need to be felt, fully and completely, so that you can release them and make space for the positive emotions. It's kind of like cleaning out your closet. You've gotta get rid of the clothes that don't fit or that you don't like any more so that you have room for the new clothes.

Now, I'd like to discuss the difference between feeling your negative emotions and wallowing in them. We all know people who seem to love the negative. They have anger issues and get pissed off all the time or they are telling you their tales of woe every time you have a conversation. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.

Feeling your negative emotions means giving yourself time and space to fully feel the emotions that arise when a change happens in your life. Wallowing in your negative emotions means they become part of your personal story about life (As in-Nothing ever works out for me! or That good for nothing ex-husband left me high and dry!) If you're chanting a personal mantra about unhappiness, misery and anger, you are not feeling your negative emotions in a healthy way. You are staying stuck in a story that does not serve you. (To revisit the closet metaphor, it's like you are just standing there looking at all the clothes that don't fit anymore or the clothes you don't like and complaining about how much you dislike the clothes. You aren't doing anything about getting rid of them.)

I like to give myself some time and space to feel my negative emotions when I go through any change. I know they are going to arise and I accept them. During this time, I play music that reflects my feelings. I go lift weights and punch pillows. I cry. I honor my negative emotions by giving them space and feeling them fully. Then I let the emotions go. That way I can make room for the happiness and peace that follows.

I always know if I've gone from feeling my negative emotions to wallowing in them by others' reactions. When my friends' eyes start to glaze over as I'm telling them (probably for the umteenth time) about my pain or when I'm telling a story and people sigh a lot around me and act impatient, I know that I've passed over into the unhealthy stage. At this point, I've gone from feeling my negative emotions to wallowing in them.

So, to recap, feeling negative emotions is healthy when you set your intention to feel them and let them go in order to make room for the positive emotions. Wallowing in negative emotions is unhealthy. If you are having trouble feeling your emotions, sometimes seeing a therapist will help and many life coaches will feel confident helping you through this. If you're having trouble because you're wallowing in your emotions, a life coach may be your best bet to helping you let that story go.

The Ring of Fire and Having Courage

On my office desk, I have a pack of "Self-Care Cards" by Cheryl Richardson. A friend gave this 52 card deck to me years ago but I continue to use them, as they offer inspirational (and often strangely prophetic) messages week after week. What I usually do is turn a new one face-up at the start of a new week and see what it says. This week's message is: Release your ties to the past. When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

How ironic as I planned to discuss The Ring of Fire with you this week (also known as what you can expect when you go through a major change).

In Martha Beck's life coaching school, we learn about the change process before we learn about anything else. According to Beck, there are 4 stages one progresses through as one makes a shift in his/her life. As you can probably guess, for life coaches-whose entire job is to help clients change areas of their lives where they experience unhappiness or discomfort-this is an important foundational piece of knowledge. I personally love it because when things change in my life I usually feel unsettled, uncertain and scared to pieces. What the hell is going on?!? becomes my daily mantra when things are going awry. And one thing I really dislike is NOT knowing what the hell is going on.

Now that I know about the Ring of Fire, it's not so difficult to transgress this rough terrain. Knowing that this is a normal stage in the process of change is comforting, liberating in fact, because I know that good things are on their way.

When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

If there's a change going on in your life- maybe it's a marriage and possibly a name change with this marriage, a move to a different city, buying a new house, changing jobs or positions, making new friends and leaving old ones behind or even redecorating-you may find yourself going through The Ring of Fire. The past six months, I've gone through all of the aforementioned changes. Anytime there is a transition in your life from one major thing to another (whether welcomed or unwelcomed), the Ring of Fire is around the corner. Being prepared for it makes it easier to deal with. Instead of facing a change with resistance and struggle, you can more smoothly and gracefully navigate it when you know what's coming.

I would say, at the ripe age of 31, that I am a Ring of Fire expert. I say this because my life has been full of huge changes. Before the age of 15, I lived in 4 different states and 6 different cities. Each time we moved I had to switch schools, make new friends and often learn new regional social norms. (New England is quite different from the South which is even more different than the Midwest). Because I had no choice in the matter, I had to learn how to deal with change. After awhile, I began to enjoy it. As I grew older, I started to welcome it and then initiate it when needed.

At 19 I was diagnosed with cancer, at 20 I was bald and when my hair did grow back it was a completely different color and texture than before. At 21 I started a major in social work and at 22 I decided to double major in English and Education instead. At 24 I left my college boyfriend suddenly when I found out about his infidelity and at 25 I moved across the country to join Teach for America. At 28 I left my career to hike the Pacific Northwest and at 29 I moved to Capitol Hill to work in ed policy. Change, change, change, until life began to feel like one big adventure and even the changes I didn't initially want began to bring me a sense of freedom.

If you look back upon your own life, I'm sure you can think of many huge changes as well. In hindsight, you may realize how beneficial they were. But even the ones you initiated were difficult at times I bet, probably due to the Ring of Fire. So what the heck IS this Ring of Fire?

The Ring of Fire is what happens in the first stage of change but it is not the initial part of change (Martha Beck calls this first stage of change SQUARE ONE). It is what happens when you are no longer in denial that things can stay the same as they were and the old begins to completely dissolve. What happens on a psychological level is that a part of your ego, a part of your past identity, is "burned up" with the realization that things are different. Egos and parts of egos do not like to be burned up and dissolved. They are like any life form and they will go kicking and screaming until their death. If you are like most of us, you identify with your ego and so it can feel, literally, as if a part of you is dying (which, in essence, it is). The only way through the Ring of Fire is to:

-Disbelieve the thoughts that are causing you suffering
AND/OR
-Grieve your losses

When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

Let me give you some real-life examples of the Ring of Fire:

-A friend of mine has published several articles in prestigious academic journals under her maiden name. She gets married. Yay! She is so happy to be married to the love of her life. She changes her last name to her husband's but then, when it's time to publish a new article, feels devastated because the author's name is now different. She feels as if the esteemed author (her maiden name) is gone and she has to start all over (with her married name). She feels that this loss of her maiden name is actually a loss of her identify and of her self.

-My husband and I bought a new house and moved from the city proper to the suburbs. Peace, quiet, less traffic and less pollution. Suddenly, I feel threatened because my artistic hipster city identity seems to be replaced with the typical get-married-and-move-to-the-suburbs identity. "All of the creative publishing opportunities that seemed to fall in my lap when I lived in the city will be gone because I will morph into a suburban mom! I will leave my beloved writing behind to drive kids to soccer practice in a van!" I find myself thinking and shudder at these thoughts.

-A colleague of mine is diagnosed with cancer. He has built his career and his identity on being a healthy, happy and independent man who has a lot of fun and freedom. Now he is very sick and facing his mortality.

-My dad lost his job in a field he has worked in for over 20 years. He says he wants to go back to school and become a teacher and speaks quite passionately about this. But it's difficult for him to imagine that a person in their mid-50's can start all over in a new career.

Going through the Ring of Fire is the hardest part of change for most people. BUT once you get through it, not only will you have burned up parts of your ego that did not serve you, but you will reach a most delicious and beautiful sense of peace. I would try to describe it here, but it is really so amazing it can't be captured in words. You've got to get there yourself to see what I mean.

Okay, so here's the thing I've been noticing about a lot of my clients as they reach the Ring of Fire.

They don't want to go through it.

After working with clients for about 3-4 sessions, I notice that a lot of them start to go through the first process of major change. They break-up with crappy boyfriends, decide to confront their family members, break unhealthy habits, start going back to school for their dream jobs. Then they get to the part where the Ring of Fire starts licking at their toes and they get scared. Then they GO BACK TO THE THING WHICH MADE THEM MISERABLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yes, that's right. They take back the crappy boyfriends, become a doormat again at family functions, go back to overeating and smoking and decide to withdraw from night school and instead take on more hours at the job that they hate. I also notice at about this time they stop signing up for more coaching sessions. I have a hunch they know I won't let them get away with their denial and so they avoid anything and anyone which may insist that they face the truth.

I've also noticed that during this time, when clients go back to the thing which made them miserable in the first place, they begin to: drink a lot of alcohol or caffeine; smoke; overeat, overwork or overdo anything; do drugs; watch a lot of tv; go on shopping sprees; spend a lot of time with other people and not much time alone. Basically they avoid anything which would require deep personal reflection and do anything that will help numb themselves from feeling how miserable they are. I watch this process compassionately because I know what it is like. I have, countless times, also run back to my personal source of misery because the Ring of Fire seemed so scary. From experience, I also know what happens next. The misery deepens, this time the situation one wanted to leave escalates into more suffering, and one must start the change process all over again.

It is painful to watch the clients I love go back to the miserable situations they called me to help them leave. However, I know that eventually the misery will get so bad they will either decide that the Ring of Fire is a better option than the suffering, or life will propel them into the Ring of Fire and they won't get to make the choice. (Cancer, or any life threatening illness, throws one into the ultimate Ring of Fire.)

If you find yourself making a big change in your life, or life has thrown you a huge curve ball out of left field, here are some strategies I use with clients to make the Ring of Fire a little more bearable.

1. Identify the painful thoughts associated with this change.

*If it's hard for you to locate the painful thoughts, you may want to do the following:

a) Write out the circumstance (no opinions allowed here, just the facts. See my example below for details).

b) Fill in the blank: And this means______________________________________.

c) What you've filled in the blank with is the painful thought.

2. Complete the 4 questions using Byron Katie's The Work (see my earlier post on this if you're not familiar with Byron Katie or see my example below).

3. Allow yourself to grieve the loss that accompanies this change. This also means allowing yourself space to get sad and angry. (My next post will be on honoring your anger as go through a transition).

4. Know that, as hard as this part of the change cycle may be, an incredible peace and brighter tomorrow is on the horizon. Take comfort in this knowing.

When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

Gabrielle's Example:

1. Identify the painful thought associated with the change.

a.) Circumstance: We left the city, bought a condo and moved to the suburbs.

b.) And this means: I'm going to stop writing and being creative and be a soccer mom instead.

c) The painful thought is: Because of this change, I'm going to stop being creative.

2. Byron Katie's The Work:

a) Is it true that you will stop being creative now that you've moved to the suburbs?

My authentic response: People in the suburbs aren't creative! They are soccer moms! People in the city are creative!

b) Can you absolutely know that it's true that you will lose your creativity because you moved to the suburbs?
My authentic response: Um no. I can't ABSOLUTELY know that this will happen.

c) How do you feel and react when you think this thought?

My authentic response: Crappy. I feel like I sold out a valuable part of myself. I feel like someone very beloved to me has died. My stomach clenches up. I start glaring at suburban moms who drive vans.

d) Who would you be without this thought?

My authentic response: (I have to pause here for awhile and be still because it's difficult at first to pretend what it would be like without this thought) I feel lighter, free. I feel calm and assured. I realize that my new house is quieter and I actually have my own office here so that I can spend even more quality time writing.

e) Turn-arounds (These are thoughts that could be just as true as the original thought except they feel a lot better):

-I WILL NOT stop being creative by moving to the suburbs. (Creativity has no geographic limitations; it's creative for God's sake!)

-I will be MORE creative by moving to the suburbs. (At our cramped place in the city, I had no office and it was loud and noisy. Here I have my own writing space and more peace and quiet which helps foster my creativity).

-The suburbs could help my creativity. (I see a lot of moms around who seem to center their lives around their kids. I bet they would enjoy some kind of coaching workshop on rediscovering creativity! I could create this!)

3. I allowed myself space to feel the sadness that comes with any change and to grieve my loss. There are things I miss about living in the city and it's completely 100% okay to grieve this loss. I will miss watching the cool people walking down the street everyday, all of the creative, artistic venues, and the energy of Atlanta.

4. I remind myself that this move will bring good fruit to my creativity. When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

*Next time you make a change or a change makes you, and you feel yourself tempted to run away from the Ring of Fire right back to your source of misery, try the steps listed above and see if they help. Having a life coach hold your hand through the Ring of Fire wouldn't hurt either. :)