Honoring the Negative

If you are ready to change and you are willing to go through the Ring of Fire (see last post), then you may want to prepare yourself for what will surface as you move through the change cycle. My experience has been that the magnitude of the change I make is directly proportional to the magnitude of the negativity that arises within my Ring of Fire. If I take on a little change, the Ring of Fire isn't too tough. But for those sea changes, those life-altering-I'll-never-be-the-same-after-this changes, the Ring of Fire gets a little more difficult.

As with any change, some old pattern or habit or aspect of one's life dissolves so that a new pattern or habit or aspect of one's life can emerge. Something dies so that something new may be born. Even if this change is welcomed, even if this change is what one has been dreaming for one's entire life, it is still a change. It still means that something dies, that something that was there previously is now gone. (It is interesting how some people think that just because they've made a change for the better that they should not experience any negativity with the change). Not suprisingly, when change happens, many people go through the same emotions they experience when someone they love is dying or has died. A change is, in essence, a death.

If you are not familiar with these emotional stages that accompany a death outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, they are: 1. denial, 2. anger, 3. bargaining, 4. grief, 5. acceptance. Kübler-Ross discusses how people often transition back and forth between stages; it's not as if we go through one stage and then neatly move on to the next one. People who are making changes go through these stages as well, often transitioning back and forth between one stage and the next.

All of this is fairly easy to understand and makes sense. A change is the death of something, and one often denies it, gets angry about it, starts to reason that maybe it doesn't have to happen and thinks of some ways to come to some kind of compromise, gets very sad and mourns the old way, and then, finally, accepts the change and finds a state of peace. For me, I notice that right after I emerge from denial I start bargaining and then when that doesn't work I get angry. Grief immediately follows the anger and then I get to a state of acceptance. So it may help if, instead of looking at these stages like you can expect to go through denial first, then anger, then bargaining, etc, look at all of these emotions and know that you can expect to cycle through any of them at any time when you are making a change.

It is also important to honor the negativity that arises and to not be scared of it surfacing. It is a natural part of the process and, in order to be released, needs to be felt.

I've mentioned the Law of Attraction before on this blog and many of my fellow Martha Beck life coaches are also into it. If you're not familiar with this law, it's very simple. It basically states that you can attract what you'd like into your life by changing your energetic vibration, or the "vibes" you release out into the world. For example, if you'd like more abundance in your life, you make space in your day to quiet your mind and feel what it would feel like to have more abundance. You "pretend" like you already have abundance, and focus on whatever sensations that brings into your being. So for example, for me having abudance feels solid and secure. My breathing slows and my shoulders release and I feel calm.

By pretending that you have what you'd like, you can "reset" your vibrations to attract what you'd like to attract. The law states that like attracts like, so (using my example), I can attract abundance by changing my energetic vibrations to a state of abundance. The other day I explained it to a client this way: It's like changing your radio station. If you're listening to pop rock on 94.1 and you want the classical music on 90.1, you've got to change the dial to hear the music you'd like.

This makes sense, right? But there are some huge misunderstandings that I'm noticing as I coach people and as I discuss the Law of Attraction with my fellow coaches, especially when people are willing to go through the Ring of Fire. People are misunderstanding this awesome law as they are in the midst of making positive changes and this is causing them even more pain and suffering. I'd like to clear some things up here so that, as you muster the courage to pass through The Ring of Fire and make the changes you'd like to better your life, you don't fall into the same trap.
Common Misunderstanding: If I feel my negative emotions, then that means I'll attract negative things into my life.

This is totally not true. The negative emotions of sadness, fear, grief, etc. exist for a reason. They are normal and essential to feel for they guide us in the ways we need to be guided. Byron Katie would say the negative emotions are urging us to rethink our thoughts. Many psychologists say that these emotions help us realize our boundaries. I had a spiritual healer who told me feeling our way through our negative emotions was an essential step to happiness. Whatever your belief system, negative emotions serve a purpose and they often surface when there is a change in your life. By being afraid of feeling them, you only generate more fear. By stuffing them down because you're afraid you're going to attract negativity only suppresses them, making it even more probable that you will attract situations that try to get them to surface. (Read: more painful situations that challenge you to feel negativity).

Negative emotions need to be honored. They need to be felt, fully and completely, so that you can release them and make space for the positive emotions. It's kind of like cleaning out your closet. You've gotta get rid of the clothes that don't fit or that you don't like any more so that you have room for the new clothes.

Now, I'd like to discuss the difference between feeling your negative emotions and wallowing in them. We all know people who seem to love the negative. They have anger issues and get pissed off all the time or they are telling you their tales of woe every time you have a conversation. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.

Feeling your negative emotions means giving yourself time and space to fully feel the emotions that arise when a change happens in your life. Wallowing in your negative emotions means they become part of your personal story about life (As in-Nothing ever works out for me! or That good for nothing ex-husband left me high and dry!) If you're chanting a personal mantra about unhappiness, misery and anger, you are not feeling your negative emotions in a healthy way. You are staying stuck in a story that does not serve you. (To revisit the closet metaphor, it's like you are just standing there looking at all the clothes that don't fit anymore or the clothes you don't like and complaining about how much you dislike the clothes. You aren't doing anything about getting rid of them.)

I like to give myself some time and space to feel my negative emotions when I go through any change. I know they are going to arise and I accept them. During this time, I play music that reflects my feelings. I go lift weights and punch pillows. I cry. I honor my negative emotions by giving them space and feeling them fully. Then I let the emotions go. That way I can make room for the happiness and peace that follows.

I always know if I've gone from feeling my negative emotions to wallowing in them by others' reactions. When my friends' eyes start to glaze over as I'm telling them (probably for the umteenth time) about my pain or when I'm telling a story and people sigh a lot around me and act impatient, I know that I've passed over into the unhealthy stage. At this point, I've gone from feeling my negative emotions to wallowing in them.

So, to recap, feeling negative emotions is healthy when you set your intention to feel them and let them go in order to make room for the positive emotions. Wallowing in negative emotions is unhealthy. If you are having trouble feeling your emotions, sometimes seeing a therapist will help and many life coaches will feel confident helping you through this. If you're having trouble because you're wallowing in your emotions, a life coach may be your best bet to helping you let that story go.