The good news is that once you are done in Square One, you get to go to Square Two.
If I haven't mentioned this before (and I believe I have but a review is sometimes helpful), Martha Beck identifies four squares in any change cycle. She likens the changes to a butterfly metamorphosis, in which one must completely dissolve an aspect of one's life in order to create a new aspect. Caterpillars, for those of you who don't know, don't build a cocoon, hibernate inside and then sprout some wings. (Why wasn't I ever taught this in science class?) They actually dissolve into a soupy substance where only their heart remains intact and whole. They then reform an entirely new body-their butterfly body-around their heart before they emerge from the cocoon.
Square One was so hard because you dissolved into a soupy substance. Square Two is better for most people, because you get to build your new, butterfly body. (Of course, I mean "body" in an abstract sense although those making new diet/exercise plans may actually be creating a new physical body).Beck tells us life coaches that when a client is in Square Two several things will happen. There will be a dramatic image alteration (think brand new hair), the client will mention night dreams becoming more powerful or intense, (or a client who could not previously remember dreams will start remembering them) and the client will, in general, start thinking of what they would like to create next. The mantra for Square Two (meaning the way clients will generally feel in this part of the change cycle) is: There are no rules.
Whoever existed prior to the change is gone in some big way, and the sky's the limit as to what the client wants to create next.
Whoever existed prior to the change is gone in some big way, and the sky's the limit as to what the client wants to create next.
As many of you who follow this blog know, my life coaching business is in its infant stages. However, over the past three months, I've coached lots of clients. Several of them dropped off once they hit the Ring of Fire, several of them are going through the Ring of Fire right now, and two of them have just emerged into Square Two. I don't have any client examples to share with you about Square Two because my clients aren't there yet. But I am there so I can share my experience and what you can possibly expect (although keep in mind that your Square Two experience may be quite different).
Beck told us in class the other day that a lot of clients like Square Two. There's a lot of freedom here and exploring of a new self. For most people, this is an imaginative and creative time. Because I consider myself a creative person, I was looking forward to Square Two. I was actually thinking that it would be a lot of fun.
Boy, was I wrong. Square Two is more frightening for me than the Ring of Fire. Why? You may ask. Well, there are no rules in Square Two. I can create whatever I'd like. But this lack of structure, this lack of knowing if I'm doing things right or not, this total freedom is terrifying.
See, prior to Square One I could tell you that my life was super-organized and that I was on top of everything. I exuded confidence and control. I knew what was expected of me and I delivered exceptional results. Then I get to Square Two and realize that I don't know anything. What's more is that the old me and the parts of my old life that are still around just don't fit anymore so I'm letting them go, without knowing, for sure, what's going to come next.
Let me give you some specific examples of my Square Two drama. In my old life, as a teacher, I had to wake up at 6am so that I could get to work on time, ready to teach. I knew that I had to wear conservative clothes (think adolescent boys) and comfortable shoes (think on feet all day, running around like crazy). I knew what I was doing as a teacher (I taught for six years) and I knew my "role" at work. I knew that I only had 20 minutes for lunch and so would plan lunch meals accordingly. I knew what time I could leave and when I would get home. Often I would be so exhausted after work that I would either skip my evening workouts or limit them to 30 minutes 'cuz that's all I could handle. When I got home I would make dinner with my husband, complain about how much I hated my job, read and then fall asleep only to do it all over again the next day. Just writing about this old life makes me nauseous. It was horrible!
But now? I can get up whenever I'd like (my clients want late-morning or afternoon slots so no need to wake up before sunrise). I can wear whatever I'd like. I can do those 45-1 hour interesting workouts in my Shape magazine because I actually have the energy now to do them. I can work on my business or I can sunbathe at our pool. I can take an hour lunch break. I can find new recipes and try them out for dinner. There is no exhaustion, there is no frustration. There is a lot more fun and joy and laughter. Every time I finish a coaching session, I am so in awe of the healing power that has just taken place, I feel an immense sense of gratitude and tell my husband how lucky I am to have this job.
You're probably wondering, so what the heck is the problem here?
The problem is that I don't recognize myself and because of this, my lizard, Blanche (remember her?) is having an absolute fit. She tells me every day when I luxuriously roll out of bed at 8 that I'm being irresponsible. When I go for a walk in our beautiful Zen garden, she chastises me for being too self-indulgent. Yesterday, I had some intense creative urges to change the color formats of my blog and she started freaking out about me "working on the weekends." Each time I make successful progress with my business, she dismisses it as "luck that will soon run out." Blanche is so threatened by Square Two because her voice isn't all that important to me any more.
My husband is a business analyst consultant and usually works 10-12 hours a day. He hasn't been on a project the past six weeks and so we've had the best honeymoon time one could wish for. We relax on our deck with our iced mochas in the morning. He has time to run some of the household errands I hate to do and so I've been relieved of that. We've been able to play tennis in the early afternoons together. It's been wonderful. We also go out now a lot more than we used to since neither of us has to be up early for work. Last night, we decided to go to little Italian cafe in downtown Atlanta.
I chose to wear three inch black heels, very short white shorts, and a sheer, silk long-sleeved black shirt. My husband just about fell off of the couch. "My God," he said, "You look great."
See, for the past year, the guy's been offering to take me shopping. He has gently tried to persuade me to trade in my Danskos for strapless, toe-bearing sandals. He has offered to buy me V-neck shirts instead of my safe, cover-up-even-the-collar-bone T's. When we've gone out, he's suggested I wear a sexy skirt or a dress and I snap, "Um, excuse me, have you forgotten that I'm a teacher and may run into my student's parents any where we go?"
That old life though, is now gone. Not only am I dressing differently, but I've dyed my hair back to its dark brown color and recently had it layered. The other day I bought red (gasp!) nail polish and gave myself a mani AND a pedi. Even though I still wear minimal make-up, I've invested in some trendier items, like white eye liner and bright red lipstick.
"I think you have the Square Two phase confused with becoming a slut," Blanche likes to say these days.
I pat her on the head, give her a grape and tell her I won't be mad if she decides to take a little vacation away from my life. Square Two CAN be scary. If you get there and the lack of rules and the lack of structure starts to freak you out, just remember this is all part of the process. Pat your lizard on the head and tell her that's it's okay that you want to dress differently and wear your hair in a new way. The old you is gone and the new you is fabulous.
*I'd love to hear about or see any makeovers that you've done in Square Two. Post them to the blog or send them to me-I love before and afters! I'll get mine up here soon.
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