Creating Essential Rituals

India is a country that is abundant with rituals. It seemed to me (the outsider that I was) that everything had some kind of ritual, or, at the very least, a certain way that it was to be done. When I was studying Eastern culture many years ago and read about all of these rituals, I thought they must feel suffocating and stifling to those who were subjected to them. As someone who loves her freedom and independence, the idea of so many strictly defined ways of doing things seemed almost oppressive.

But, surprisingly, I found quite a bit of spiritual solace in India. I knew exactly what was expected of me at almost all times (as my husband's cousins would whisper to me what I should do in unfamiliar situations) and I began to realize what I could expect from others almost always. In an environment where everything was brand new to me and completely foreign, these set of rituals brought about a sense of inner peace and safety. They were like a comforting cocoon as I attempted to transgress cultural and language barriers.

When it was time to eat, I would wash my hands and then knew only to eat with my right hand. I knew I should always remove my shoes before entering any one's house or store and that I should always step into a temple with my right foot first. I learned how to pay respect to my elders (bowing and touching their feet) and how to acknowledge those I did not know (Namaste). I knew that when I entered any one's house I would be offered chai.


There's not a lot of room for many personal choices and individuality in India (at least not compared to what I'm used to here in America). For some reason, this actually made space for a lot more mental freedom than I'm used to. Instead of being distracted about what I should choose or how I would make the right decision, I carried out the appropriate ritual and was free to enjoy the company of those around me. Without having to make so many choices, I actually-and ironically- felt more liberated.

But what I really loved was how sacred everything felt. Now, granted, I did go to India to get married over the course of five days so there were, of course, many sacred marriage rituals of which I was a part. I'm not talking just about those, though. What I'm talking about are the everyday rituals. The walking barefoot, the way people greet others, the temple music in the mornings. All of these rituals put a very special and conscious emphasis on my daily actions.

Upon my return, I realized I wanted to have a lot more rituals in my life. Not because I want to renounce making decisions but because, in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of my life, I tend to forget about the sacredness of precious things, like writing and coaching and meditating. I would like to have some more rituals because they give me something to look forward to and provide a way to remain present and centered.

Recently, I have incorporated some new rituals into my life and have decided to leave some old ones behind. It is amazing how hallowed my mornings feel now that I make sure to get up at dawn, make a cup of coffee and write as the sun rises. I now light a candle every time I have a coaching session and burn incense during my meditation. Each time I complete a dreaded task (like editing a workbook I've written), I've developed a ritual of connecting with someone via email or text messaging, so that I have something to look forward to. Rituals really do help one create a very conscious and spiritual life.

If you are also looking to increase your daily dose of sacredness, you may want to incorporate some rituals into your own life. You probably already have rituals that you participate in-ones that were taught to you or ones that you developed over the years. Take a look at your rituals. Are there any you'd like to scrap? If so, why not leave them behind? Are there any you'd like to start? If so, you may find the following exercise helpful:

1. List three areas of your life that you feel are sacred or that have significant importance to your well-being.

a)________________________________
b)________________________________
c) ________________________________

2. Circle the most important area of your life.

3. List several activities in that particular area of your life.

a)_______________________________________

b)_______________________________________
c)_______________________________________
d)_______________________________________
e) ______________________________________

4. Pick one activity from your list in which you'd like to conduct some sort of ritual.

5. What is the ritual you would like to conduct for this activity? (Remember you can do a ritual before, during or after an activity. Remember also that your ritual should be something you look forward to and enjoy).

6. Do you need any special things for this ritual? If so, list items you will need to carry out your ritual.

a)_______________________________________
b) _______________________________________
c) _______________________________________

7. Obtain any and all items you need for your ritual.

8. Carry out your sacred activity with its corresponding ritual.

*And as always, please feel free to share with me anything you learned along the way.

If you are suffering, question the story

I've studied The Work of Byron Katie for several years now. Even though I have watched so much of my own suffering dissolved by asking her four, simple questions, and even though I've watched client after client use The Work to transform their own thinking, I continue to be surprised by how much attaching to my thoughts and stories creates my own pain. As Katie likes to say, "No one can hurt me-that's my job." Even when I'm tempted to blame someone else for my suffering, I know that when I do The Work, it will become clear that it is only because I am believing my thoughts that I am suffering*.

What was really fascinating, though, is when I got to see an entire culture believing a different
set of thoughts and stories than I did. No where was this contrast more obvious than in India, where for about a month I witnessed an entire culture tell an entirely different set of stories about how to live. I also watched how people suffered when they believed their stories to be true. (It is a great privilege to be an observer of another culture. Then one can learn how to observe and witness others. It then becomes easier to come back into one's own life and observe and witness one's self and one's own culture. I will forever remain grateful to India for its spiritual energy but also for teaching me how to be an observer of my own life.)

Upon my return to the states, I have been watching my own culture and watching the stories I've been told here that I've never questioned because they are so ingrained. Of course we tell totally different stories than what they tell in India. Here we tell the story that it's better to eat with silverware; in India, they tell the story that it is better to eat with the right hand. Here we tell the story that it's better to find one's own romantic partner; in India, they tell the story that it's better if one's family finds one's romantic partner; here we tell the story that independence is admirable; in India, it is the interdependence of a family that is considered admirable.

My Indian family eating with their right hands (which I did as well)

Since my return I've had several friends try to convince me that actually the American story is better, but I know the truth. Neither one is better. Both cultures are just telling stories.

When I went shopping one day with my sister-in-law Seeresha (and being perhaps one of the only woman she knew who was not in an arranged marriage), I was asked many questions about the American way of finding a husband. Seeresha was curious about what it meant to go on a date, and how many men American women have to date before they find someone they want to marry. She was also horrified that women and men get emotionally and physically close and then end their relationship.

"But I'm just thinking now about what you told me," she said, a pained look upon her face, "And I'm thinking that these girls must get very, very hurt. They must get very heartbroken if they get so close to these men and then the relationship ends. Is it true then? Do these women get very hurt in these relationships?"

Seeresha with her son.

I explained to her that, yes, both women and men got hurt in romantic relationships. In fact, I told her that 90% of my clients come to see me about relationship issues and heartbreak.
Seeresha shook her head and said that she felt so sorry for all those poor Americans who did not have their families helping them find a suitable match.

Several weeks before I left for India, some of my colleagues were sharing with me how oppressive they thought Indian culture was as women did not choose their own husbands. "Those arranged marriages!" someone said with an angry shake of her head. "Can you imagine not even being able to pick your own husband?"

I can, actually. I saw many happy women in happy arranged marriages. I've also seen many happy women in happy, non-arranged marriages.

Two cultures. Two different stories.

My husband's younger cousin ran off with a man she fell in love with, even though she had already agreed to a marriage partner her family chose for her. Although this happened last year, she is still ostracized by some members of the family and did not come to our wedding. I watched how members of G.'s family suffered because of this story of what should not have been. I watched how they told the story of her betrayal to them and how she had disgraced their family. Secretly, I admired her courage to follow her heart. But then, of course, "One should follow one's heart" is the story I ascribe to.

Whenever you are suffering, ask yourself, "What is the painful story I am telling?" Then use Byron Katie's method of inquiry (see below), to come to a peaceful relationship with reality.

The Work of Byron Katie (please see her website for more information)

1. State your painful belief as a "should" statement (ie: He should call me on my birthday)
2. Ask yourself the four questions.
a) Is this painful belief true?
b) Can I absolutely know that this painful belief is true?
c) How do I react when I believe this thought?
d) Who would I be without this thought?
3. Turnaround the statement to its opposite. Find 3 reasons why this opposite statement is just as true as your original painful thought.

*Accepting reality does not mean allowing others to abuse you, to mistreat you, or to disrespect you. Many people confuse "accepting reality" with "allowing one's misbehavior to continue." When you accept reality, you accept someone for who they are and some one's behavior for what it is. You still make choices, however, about what you will tolerate, how you would like to live your own life and who you would like in your life. The difference is, you no longer suffer. My husband has this great saying I'd like to share with you: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't hurt or disappoint yourself by expecting something different from them.

So the next time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Then make your own choices about the life you would like to create, only this time, sans suffering.

Why Clarity is so scary...and how to get past your fear

Shirodhara is an ancient India ayurvedic treatment in which hot, herbal oil is poured on one's forehead to calm one's thoughts and bring one clarity. After our wedding, G. and decided to spend a few days at a holistic ayurvedic resort outside of Hyderabad. When I saw that the spa offered authentic Shirodhara (something one rarely finds in the states), I was ecstatic and booked my appointment immediately.

After my 90 minute treatment with two therapists, I felt, well... different. I was calm and relaxed but instead of feeling a little foggy (like I usually do after my meditations or yoga class) I had this interesting hyperawareness about everything. It was as if a brilliant light of truth was shining onto every aspect of my life. Shirodhara is supposed to silence your mind. Perhaps it was a quieted mind that allowed me to see things more clearly.

For me, usually the effects of a spa treatment last one, maybe two days. Then I'm back to where I was before, stressed out and pining for my next visit. But the effects of Shirodhara lasted much longer than your run-of-the-mill massage. Even today, three weeks later, I feel as if I see my whole life in a very transparent way.

Which would be awesome if everything I saw was great. But it's not. It has become almost painfully clear that some members of my family are shmucks (and that's a generous term). That some people who I've given a lot of my time and energy to were so not worth it and that I really need to recategorize my list of "friends" and "people too mean to trust with your pet goldfish."

When I share these newfound insights with my husband, he just nods. He's probably been telling me some version of this newly discovered truth for months now. It's just that I wasn't listening.

Which brings me to this week's topic-Why Clarity (with a capital "C") is so scary.

When we see things clearly, we are left with only two choices: to change that which we do not like or to admit, consciously, that we have no self-respect and will continue to put up with something which we don't wish to tolerate. Change is mostly scary because it brings an unknown. At least (some part of us reasons) if I stay in this crappy job, relationship, bug-worshipping cult, I know what to expect. If I leave it, or demand a change, or change myself, I don't know what lies ahead. And uncertainty is frightening.




Personally, I am a huge social butterfly. I love weekly coffee dates with friends, parties on the weekends, get-togethers with colleagues. In fact, that's probably one of reasons I wanted to become a life coach . I get paid to talk to people all day, for Pete's sake. That's why I've run away from my own Clarity. It's hard for me to be honest with myself and to acknowledge that it's time to reorganize who I spend my time with. This, inevitably, will lead to some lonliness. This may mean I won't have anything to do on a Friday night or that my husband and I will be spending the holidays sans some of my family members. All of this change seems downright horrible! But the alternative, to leave things as they are, is not acceptable, either.


Someone said that the truth will set you free. And it does eventually. But first it sets you terrifed before it sets you free.


Perhaps, you too, are running away from your Clarity. If so, I would advise you to do the exercise below. Answer the following questions openly and honestly. Write down your answers. Then, (and this is just my strategy, which I understand is a little too refined for some), BRIBE yourself like crazy to make the change. Then find a way to give yourself that which you have been trying to get from others or your job or your bug-worshipping cult. Trust me it works.
But do this at your own risk. Change is ahead.


13 Steps to Clarity
1. You have a sneaking suspicion that something unpleasant is true. You've suspected this for awhile but haven't wanted to admit it. What is it Clarity is trying to tell you? (ie: You have a dead-end job and want to quit, your best friend is lying to you, your uncle is secretly a crossdresser, etc)


2. What is it that you believed you HAD to do in regards to what you wrote above? (ie: I have to stay in my job, I have to pretend Susie isn't lying to me, I have to pretend Uncle Raymond didn't steal my black teddy, etc)


3. What is the price you pay-emotionally, physically, spiritually and/or financially-for believing that #2 is true? Right now it may seem that what you wrote down for question 2 IS true but just play along.


4. Are there other options that could took take in this situation? (instead of what you wrote for question #2?) (ie: I could quit my job and find another one, I could confront Susie about her lies, I could demand Uncle Ray not steal my lingerie, etc). List as many as you can. Get creative. Get silly even.


5. If you took one of the feasible actions you listed in #4, how would you feel?


6. Look at your answers for #3 and for #5. Which feels better? *Note: Until #5 feels better than #3 you will not be ready to make a change*


7. Honestly, what needs to change? (ie: I need to quit my job and find another one)


8. Write down a list of steps you could take to make this change. Break these steps into teeny tiny steps (ie: I could update the first job on my resume, I could write the first paragraph of a cover letter, I could subscribe to yahoo jobs, etc). Then break these steps down even further (I could actually just look at my current resume, I could google the search phrase, "How to write a great cover letter" and save the links, I could add yahoo jobs to my "favorite links" list).


9. Now, write a list of treats-these will be your bribes-that you could give yourself each time to take a tiny step towards making that change. *Note: These treats should be on the smaller scale but must be things that you TRULY enjoy (ie: I could watch my favorite TV show, I could take a nature walk, I could eat a chocolate bar, etc).


10. Now list one HUGE treat you will give yourself once you complete making the change (ie: I will sign up for a one-hour massage, I will rent a cabin in the mountains for the weekend, I will buy myself a new outfit, etc).


11. Fill in the blank with as many positive adjectives as possible: After I make this change, I will probably feel: ___________________________________.


12. What can you do, today, that will help you feel the feelings (even if just on a small level) that you listed in #11? Make a list of things. (For example, if you wrote that quitting your job would give you a feeling of freedom and rollarblading also brings you a feeling of freedom, you could put rollarblading down on your list. The point here is not to help make the change process easier by giving yourself tastes of what the change will bring).

13. Everyday, you need to do at least one of the things you listed in #12. Each time you take an actual tiny step towards the change, you must give yourself a small treat. When you have made the huge change, you MUST give yourself the huge treat, no exceptions!

The Temple of Self and The Temple of Soul

I spent the month of August in south India. I spent five days getting married to the love of my life, and the rest of the time in a kind of awed stupor. Rarely have I gotten a chance to be a pure observer of what was happening around me. But in India I was surrounded by people I did not know, speaking a language I did not understand, and doing things I had never seen done before. Because of this, I was truly able to stand outside of myself and witness all that was happening around me in a detached and compassionate way. I found myself experiencing an amazing clarity about life and the human condition. I found myself losing the feeling as if I had a "self" at all. I have decided to share several interesting lessons I learned from my journey to the east in this blog. I hope they will help you in some way as you continue your own journey through this life.



In India, there are temples everywhere. No, really. I mean everywhere. (Think the American equivalent of Starbucks.) You can't go one block without stumbling on a temple. There are several in each neighborhood, along the sides of the highway, placed randomly in the market streets, in the middle of cities and rural villages alike. They are huge and magnificent or they are small, dirty concrete boxes. Gods are beautifully carved statues decorated with valuable jewels or they are rocks or piles of clay painted with turmeric and kum kum. It doesn't seem to matter there. A temple is a place where God lives. A God is an object one decides is a God. The God is named, a cleansing prayer is done and followers worship appropriately.

Never in my life have I been surrounded by so much devotion.

Every morning at 5am the temples would play their kirtans (these are kind of like hymns). The city of Hyderabad wakes up to the sounds of sacred music before the sun rises. Each business has an altar that you see when you enter. Every Friday pooja (prayer) is done in the stores, incense and candles are lit, pictures and statues of Gods are blessed with vermilion. Customers wait for the owner of the shop to finish and then go to the altar to pay respects to the God before they go shopping. It seems as if all of the social events and holidays in India revolve around the celebration of some religious aspect or another-the defeating of an evil spirit or the celebration of a God's birthday. The whole culture seems to hum with a kind of ritualistic faith no matter where you go.

Om Nama Shivaya, Shivaya, Nama Om.

For me, it is easy to slip in and out of temples, to offer my prayers and participate in sacred rituals, no matter what religion. I have an atypical understanding of God because I believe the concept of God is symbolic. So when I am in a spiritual place, I try to understand what the God before me symbolizes, and then I try to bring these aspects from my higher self into my own personality. For me, Jesus represents unconditional love, Abraham represents faith, Buddha stands for detached observation and truth, and the Hindu Gods represent the qualities they are known for (there are, quite frankly, so many it would be hard for me to list them all here).

Since I was a small child, I have been sensitive to the energy in different places. To some people this sounds strange. To others, they know exactly to what I'm referring. Never before have I felt such strong spiritual energy as I did in India. It was magnetic and all consuming. It dissolved my stories and my sense of self and humbled me to the point where I realized I could do nothing else but spend the rest of my life serving others if I wanted to be happy. I understood unconditional love and compassion and devotion and self-discipline all at once. Never before have I felt so close to the highest aspect of life that I call God.

It occurred to me while I was in India that we are suffering a kind of spiritual crisis in America. It is not so much that we don't know devotion. It is that we have given so much devotion to this concept of "self" that we are creating a great deal of personal suffering. We have unconsciously created such a large void within ourselves by constantly giving offerings to our egos that we aren't able to see our way out of it. Look at all of the temples to the self we have created in this culture! Look at all of the excuses we have made to remain self-centered.

We have a ridiculous amount of prosperity in this country. Even as we tell this story about being in a "recession" it is almost embarrassing the amount of material wealth that is present here. Yet here we all are, grasping for more. Here we are, physically overweight and spiritually starving. I am not being self righteous here; I have been grasping right along beside you for many years. I have been listening to my personality and ignoring the needs of my highest self.

Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare.

Several years ago, I was a bit shaken up when Thich Nhat Hahn, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, referred to America as "the land of the hungry ghosts." After visiting India, I feel more like shell shocked. As long as we continue to be devoted to this temple of self, we will remain unhappy and unfulfilled. As long as we continue to offer prayers to our self-image, we will remain imprisoned. Liberation comes when we devote our lives to something higher than the needs of our personalities, when we become devoted to the needs of our souls. It seems to me that if one wants to live a happy life, a peaceful life, one needs to stop visiting the Temple of Self and begin worshipping in the Temple of Soul.

The way to do this is to ask your soul what it needs. Then find a way to devote your life to it. Watch the abundance that flows when you live this kind of beautiful life. Watch the joy that seeps into your whole being when you serve your greatest self. Watch the amazing process of losing the concept of an "I" or a "me".

I cannot tell you what it is your soul needs. It is your soul. Nor can I tell you the path that you should take to get there. But I have a feeling that if you start searching, if you start asking your soul what it needs in the quiet dawn hours of the morning, the answers will start coming. And when you do start hearing the answers, may you have the courage to live your truth.