Why Clarity is so scary...and how to get past your fear

Shirodhara is an ancient India ayurvedic treatment in which hot, herbal oil is poured on one's forehead to calm one's thoughts and bring one clarity. After our wedding, G. and decided to spend a few days at a holistic ayurvedic resort outside of Hyderabad. When I saw that the spa offered authentic Shirodhara (something one rarely finds in the states), I was ecstatic and booked my appointment immediately.

After my 90 minute treatment with two therapists, I felt, well... different. I was calm and relaxed but instead of feeling a little foggy (like I usually do after my meditations or yoga class) I had this interesting hyperawareness about everything. It was as if a brilliant light of truth was shining onto every aspect of my life. Shirodhara is supposed to silence your mind. Perhaps it was a quieted mind that allowed me to see things more clearly.

For me, usually the effects of a spa treatment last one, maybe two days. Then I'm back to where I was before, stressed out and pining for my next visit. But the effects of Shirodhara lasted much longer than your run-of-the-mill massage. Even today, three weeks later, I feel as if I see my whole life in a very transparent way.

Which would be awesome if everything I saw was great. But it's not. It has become almost painfully clear that some members of my family are shmucks (and that's a generous term). That some people who I've given a lot of my time and energy to were so not worth it and that I really need to recategorize my list of "friends" and "people too mean to trust with your pet goldfish."

When I share these newfound insights with my husband, he just nods. He's probably been telling me some version of this newly discovered truth for months now. It's just that I wasn't listening.

Which brings me to this week's topic-Why Clarity (with a capital "C") is so scary.

When we see things clearly, we are left with only two choices: to change that which we do not like or to admit, consciously, that we have no self-respect and will continue to put up with something which we don't wish to tolerate. Change is mostly scary because it brings an unknown. At least (some part of us reasons) if I stay in this crappy job, relationship, bug-worshipping cult, I know what to expect. If I leave it, or demand a change, or change myself, I don't know what lies ahead. And uncertainty is frightening.




Personally, I am a huge social butterfly. I love weekly coffee dates with friends, parties on the weekends, get-togethers with colleagues. In fact, that's probably one of reasons I wanted to become a life coach . I get paid to talk to people all day, for Pete's sake. That's why I've run away from my own Clarity. It's hard for me to be honest with myself and to acknowledge that it's time to reorganize who I spend my time with. This, inevitably, will lead to some lonliness. This may mean I won't have anything to do on a Friday night or that my husband and I will be spending the holidays sans some of my family members. All of this change seems downright horrible! But the alternative, to leave things as they are, is not acceptable, either.


Someone said that the truth will set you free. And it does eventually. But first it sets you terrifed before it sets you free.


Perhaps, you too, are running away from your Clarity. If so, I would advise you to do the exercise below. Answer the following questions openly and honestly. Write down your answers. Then, (and this is just my strategy, which I understand is a little too refined for some), BRIBE yourself like crazy to make the change. Then find a way to give yourself that which you have been trying to get from others or your job or your bug-worshipping cult. Trust me it works.
But do this at your own risk. Change is ahead.


13 Steps to Clarity
1. You have a sneaking suspicion that something unpleasant is true. You've suspected this for awhile but haven't wanted to admit it. What is it Clarity is trying to tell you? (ie: You have a dead-end job and want to quit, your best friend is lying to you, your uncle is secretly a crossdresser, etc)


2. What is it that you believed you HAD to do in regards to what you wrote above? (ie: I have to stay in my job, I have to pretend Susie isn't lying to me, I have to pretend Uncle Raymond didn't steal my black teddy, etc)


3. What is the price you pay-emotionally, physically, spiritually and/or financially-for believing that #2 is true? Right now it may seem that what you wrote down for question 2 IS true but just play along.


4. Are there other options that could took take in this situation? (instead of what you wrote for question #2?) (ie: I could quit my job and find another one, I could confront Susie about her lies, I could demand Uncle Ray not steal my lingerie, etc). List as many as you can. Get creative. Get silly even.


5. If you took one of the feasible actions you listed in #4, how would you feel?


6. Look at your answers for #3 and for #5. Which feels better? *Note: Until #5 feels better than #3 you will not be ready to make a change*


7. Honestly, what needs to change? (ie: I need to quit my job and find another one)


8. Write down a list of steps you could take to make this change. Break these steps into teeny tiny steps (ie: I could update the first job on my resume, I could write the first paragraph of a cover letter, I could subscribe to yahoo jobs, etc). Then break these steps down even further (I could actually just look at my current resume, I could google the search phrase, "How to write a great cover letter" and save the links, I could add yahoo jobs to my "favorite links" list).


9. Now, write a list of treats-these will be your bribes-that you could give yourself each time to take a tiny step towards making that change. *Note: These treats should be on the smaller scale but must be things that you TRULY enjoy (ie: I could watch my favorite TV show, I could take a nature walk, I could eat a chocolate bar, etc).


10. Now list one HUGE treat you will give yourself once you complete making the change (ie: I will sign up for a one-hour massage, I will rent a cabin in the mountains for the weekend, I will buy myself a new outfit, etc).


11. Fill in the blank with as many positive adjectives as possible: After I make this change, I will probably feel: ___________________________________.


12. What can you do, today, that will help you feel the feelings (even if just on a small level) that you listed in #11? Make a list of things. (For example, if you wrote that quitting your job would give you a feeling of freedom and rollarblading also brings you a feeling of freedom, you could put rollarblading down on your list. The point here is not to help make the change process easier by giving yourself tastes of what the change will bring).

13. Everyday, you need to do at least one of the things you listed in #12. Each time you take an actual tiny step towards the change, you must give yourself a small treat. When you have made the huge change, you MUST give yourself the huge treat, no exceptions!