I've studied The Work of Byron Katie for several years now. Even though I have watched so much of my own suffering dissolved by asking her four, simple questions, and even though I've watched client after client use The Work to transform their own thinking, I continue to be surprised by how much attaching to my thoughts and stories creates my own pain. As Katie likes to say, "No one can hurt me-that's my job." Even when I'm tempted to blame someone else for my suffering, I know that when I do The Work, it will become clear that it is only because I am believing my thoughts that I am suffering*.
What was really fascinating, though, is when I got to see an entire culture believing a different
set of thoughts and stories than I did. No where was this contrast more obvious than in India, where for about a month I witnessed an entire culture tell an entirely different set of stories about how to live. I also watched how people suffered when they believed their stories to be true. (It is a great privilege to be an observer of another culture. Then one can learn how to observe and witness others. It then becomes easier to come back into one's own life and observe and witness one's self and one's own culture. I will forever remain grateful to India for its spiritual energy but also for teaching me how to be an observer of my own life.)
Upon my return to the states, I have been watching my own culture and watching the stories I've been told here that I've never questioned because they are so ingrained. Of course we tell totally different stories than what they tell in India. Here we tell the story that it's better to eat with silverware; in India, they tell the story that it is better to eat with the right hand. Here we tell the story that it's better to find one's own romantic partner; in India, they tell the story that it's better if one's family finds one's romantic partner; here we tell the story that independence is admirable; in India, it is the interdependence of a family that is considered admirable.
My Indian family eating with their right hands (which I did as well)Since my return I've had several friends try to convince me that actually the American story is better, but I know the truth. Neither one is better. Both cultures are just telling stories.
When I went shopping one day with my sister-in-law Seeresha (and being perhaps one of the only woman she knew who was not in an arranged marriage), I was asked many questions about the American way of finding a husband. Seeresha was curious about what it meant to go on a date, and how many men American women have to date before they find someone they want to marry. She was also horrified that women and men get emotionally and physically close and then end their relationship.
"But I'm just thinking now about what you told me," she said, a pained look upon her face, "And I'm thinking that these girls must get very, very hurt. They must get very heartbroken if they get so close to these men and then the relationship ends. Is it true then? Do these women get very hurt in these relationships?"
Seeresha with her son.
I explained to her that, yes, both women and men got hurt in romantic relationships. In fact, I told her that 90% of my clients come to see me about relationship issues and heartbreak.
Seeresha shook her head and said that she felt so sorry for all those poor Americans who did not have their families helping them find a suitable match.
Several weeks before I left for India, some of my colleagues were sharing with me how oppressive they thought Indian culture was as women did not choose their own husbands. "Those arranged marriages!" someone said with an angry shake of her head. "Can you imagine not even being able to pick your own husband?"
I can, actually. I saw many happy women in happy arranged marriages. I've also seen many happy women in happy, non-arranged marriages.
Two cultures. Two different stories.
My husband's younger cousin ran off with a man she fell in love with, even though she had already agreed to a marriage partner her family chose for her. Although this happened last year, she is still ostracized by some members of the family and did not come to our wedding. I watched how members of G.'s family suffered because of this story of what should not have been. I watched how they told the story of her betrayal to them and how she had disgraced their family. Secretly, I admired her courage to follow her heart. But then, of course, "One should follow one's heart" is the story I ascribe to.
Whenever you are suffering, ask yourself, "What is the painful story I am telling?" Then use Byron Katie's method of inquiry (see below), to come to a peaceful relationship with reality.
The Work of Byron Katie (please see her website for more information)
1. State your painful belief as a "should" statement (ie: He should call me on my birthday)
2. Ask yourself the four questions.
a) Is this painful belief true?
b) Can I absolutely know that this painful belief is true?
c) How do I react when I believe this thought?
d) Who would I be without this thought?
3. Turnaround the statement to its opposite. Find 3 reasons why this opposite statement is just as true as your original painful thought.
*Accepting reality does not mean allowing others to abuse you, to mistreat you, or to disrespect you. Many people confuse "accepting reality" with "allowing one's misbehavior to continue." When you accept reality, you accept someone for who they are and some one's behavior for what it is. You still make choices, however, about what you will tolerate, how you would like to live your own life and who you would like in your life. The difference is, you no longer suffer. My husband has this great saying I'd like to share with you: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't hurt or disappoint yourself by expecting something different from them.
So the next time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Then make your own choices about the life you would like to create, only this time, sans suffering.
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