These are the ways I live my life, but then again, this works well for me. Choose what works for you. If what you first choose is causing you pain, you can always choose something else. I've found life to be very simple and beautiful in this way.
I love that I was pondering the question of forgiveness at the most perfect time in my life for this. Let me share with you a very exciting event that happened over the course of last week and the two different stories that arose. One was an old story-I have told myself variations of this story all throughout my life and it's never brought me happiness. The other one was much more liberating, although perhaps not the story most people would tell if they were in a similar situation. As Frost said, I chose the road less traveled and that's made all the difference.
Here I sit, liberated, happy and free rather than angry, depressed and feeling betrayed. Which way would YOU like to feel? It truly comes down to one thing-the story you choose to tell and believe.
As I've mentioned before on this blog, I have taught middle school English for many years. I've spent my career in the urban Atlanta schools, all ripe with their own challenges. I'm a strict disciplinarian and a tough teacher. Throughout my career, this has greatly helped me maintain a classroom where students could learn and has earned me a great deal of respect with my students. Until, that is, I took a job with this charter school in Atlanta.
From day one, the job was full of difficulties. A very popular teacher had quit in the middle of the year (and oh how I judged her for this!) and the students resented me taking her place, especially since I was so strict and it seemed she was not. I could list the number of things I put up with here, but that's not really important. It was a hard situation but I reasoned things would get better if I returned the next academic year as the "real" teacher, instead of the replacement teacher.
Things did not get better. Discipline problems were even worse and although the students did respond better to my teaching style, there were still a lot of situations where I felt my authority was undermined. My principal would not enforce our discipline plan and instead would invite students and parents to talk negatively about teachers to him. Then last week, after I put a class on a week's worth of punishment (no outdoor poetry activities-just a packet of worksheets) the students went to another teacher's room, told him how upset they were, and he suggested they write letters to the principal asking to get me fired. The principal met with me several times last week but I stood my ground.
This is ridiculous, I said. It is unprofessional for one teacher to allow his class time to be taken up by writing these kinds of letters about another teacher. He should have never suggested the children try and get me fired. You should stop supporting the parents when they get upset that their children are in trouble for misbehavior and instead support our school's discipline plan. You should stop encouraging students and parents to berate teachers by not standing up for your staff. I will be flexible about the class punishment, I will make it 3 days instead of 5, but I will not tolerate any more disrespectful behavior from the students.
And then I said-If you continue to undermine me, I'm leaving this school. I am quitting this job.
The next day I found myself telling a story full of woe, betrayal and powerlessness. How dare the children be so disrespectful when I've worked so hard! How dare that shmuck on my team tell the kids to write letters to get me fired! My principal is a jerk who will always side with the parental complaints, no matter how crazy. My principal refuses to support me! That spineless bastard! Etc, etc, etc.
This story felt very sticky to me. It didn't feel good at all. Feeling like a victim, feeling betrayed, feeling powerless-these are some of the most negative emotions we humans can feel. So I called another coach who is also being trained by Martha Beck and asked her to help me through this.
Why are you manifesting this situation? she asked me.
I thought about it. Why WAS I manifesting this situation? I meditated on this for quite some time. Then I realized how incredibly benevolent the universe is and what it was I was supposed to learn from this ordeal.
First let me put a disclaimer here, especially for all of you who have a habit of beating yourselves up or blaming others when things go wrong. Taking responsibility for manifesting a situation is different than blaming yourself or others for it. The former brings you a sense of power whereas the latter brings you sense of powerlessness. My goal, as a coach, is to help every client regain their center of power. I would never want any client to see a terrible situation as something they were responsible for. However, rewriting your story about a situation will bring you a sense of clarity and empowerment and that's what we're after here. This is not to say, however, that when you've wronged someone, you rewrite the situation and leave out the reality. Apologize for the wrongs you've done to others, make amends for the wrongs you've done to yourself, and rewrite your story so that you can live a more peaceful and happy life.
Without going into too much detail about my childhood, it may be helpful to know this. Growing up, my mom did a lot of things to me that I perceived as completely disrespectful, hurtful and as taking away my power. She often spoke about what a "bad" kid I was to my younger sister and I felt betrayed. (I thought my sister should be on my side, since we were both kids.) My dad witnessed what my mom did, but never did anything about it. He was the male authority in the house, but for whatever reason, he didn't speak up on my behalf.
All of the sudden, I understood why the situation at school was happening. I realized that I had manifested a situation that felt identical to my childhood. Here were the disrespectful students who were like my mom. Here was the principal, the male authority figure who did nothing to support me, just like my dad. And here was the teacher who had the students write letters to get me fired, an act of betrayal, just like my sister. How entirely perfect!
This is when I began telling a different story. A story that went something like this: I manifested a situation where I felt feelings similar to my childhood so that I could heal and empower myself.
Much better than the tale of woe, wouldn't you say?
I thought about what I really needed when I was a kid, growing up in that house that was chalk full of negative energy. I decided that I needed someone to step in, to say-This isn't right; I'm not going to let her be treated like this. I'm going to take her somewhere better.
As a child, I could not do this of course. But as an adult, I could. So when I received yet another email from my principal and a voicemail from him on my cell phone stating that numerous parents and students were complaining about me and that we needed to conference about my behavior, I called him back and quit. I calmly went to the school, packed up my things and handed him my keys. As I got into my car, I felt the most delicious sense of freedom and peace. I felt that the small child inside of me had been healed. As I drove away, I realized another gift from this situation-I now had much more time to devote to my business of coaching and healing others.
My principal, who seemed quite shocked that I followed through on my word to resign, said to me as I departed, "I hope you don't think that I think the parents and students are more right than you. I hope you realize that I don't think you're wrong here."
My reply? "You do what you need to do." Meaning think what you need to think. Tell whatever story you need to tell. I'm not going to try and change your story as you'll tell whatever story you need to tell anyway. Everyone is entitled to their story.
But my dear friends, keep this in mind: whatever story it is that you choose to tell, make sure it is one that serves you-and your highest goodness- well. Then watch the universe shower you with good things.
*Think of a negative story you've been holding onto for quite some time, a story about someone who has wronged you. It is now time to rewrite this story. Instead of telling the story from a victim standpoint, tell it from an empowering standpoint. How did the situation end up helping you or making you a better person or helping you heal in some way? Tell the story with a positive spin and see what happens. Then write me all about it!
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