The Power of No

Just when I thought I was over my people-pleasing habits forever, I am humbled by the constant vigilance it requires for me to learn the power of the word no.

The other day a client asked me if she could schedule a 5:30 appointment. Granted, my hours are 9-5 and I generally reserve the latter part of my work day for behind-the-scenes coaching work (such as writing my blog and writing workbooks) because I do my best one-on-one work in the morning. By the time 3 rolls around I'm ready for the kind of silent solitary time that writing requires. Yet when this client asked for 5:30 I said Sure! as if I couldn't imagine anything else I'd rather be doing.

Why do I do this? Why, in fact, do WE women constantly agree to things we don't want to do? I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with social conditioning (just watching the amazingly different way my partner G. responds to requests baffles me) but let's put the psychoanalytical theories to the side for now and focus on a solution. How can we say no, especially when the request is from a dear friend or family member whom we hate to disappoint?

I don't think it was just a coincidence that led me to find an interesting book yesterday entitled The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It and Mean It. Susan Newman, a social psychologist, gives the reader many different examples (250 to be exact) of how one can say no in different social situations. I love how she gives a script of saying "no" in such a matter-of-fact way for so many different scenarios. Even if you're tempted to say yes because the request is from a close family member or your best friend or your boss, this book shows you how to approach the person with diplomacy and tact and yet still uphold your personal boundaries.

This book could not have come into my life at a better time. G and I are planning a small wedding for our friends and family this October. Many people cannot travel to India for our August wedding and we wanted to share our marriage with the people who mean the most to us. We're footing the bill and we're having the wedding in the same city where we live. And yet my dear mother cannot help but remind me that I've left some important people off of the guest list. (Cousins and aunts whom I've met once, or not at all, or whom I really don't like, and who certainly don't fit into the category of "our closest friends and family.")

When I stood my ground and said "no" she again tried to manipulate me into saying "yes" by saying that a lot of people whom we've invited probably won't come because of the travel involved. "At least these people live closer and might show up" was her argument.

First, I found myself beginning to panic. What if no one shows up to this wedding that we've worked so hard to plan? What if I have to walk down the aisle and say my vows to an empty-chaired audience?

But then my trusty body compass came back into the picture. I realized that the fearful voice flashing images of me alone with my husband on my wedding day was just my lizard, Blanche. I also realized when I checked in with my body compass, inviting the people my mother suggested just felt icky. And I wanted to feel good about every single person we sent invitations to. "You know, if very few people show up, that will be okay," I heard a calm me saying into the phone. "What's most important is that we only include the people we feel really know us well and will truly support our marriage."

Suddenly it seemed as if the word "no" wasn't so hard after all. In fact, it felt as if it was my own personal guard of my boundaries. Being able to say it, even when I was challenged, felt like I was really respecting myself. Here are some gems from this book I wanted to share with you:

-If you don't immediately feel like saying "yes" then this request probably deserves a "no."

-Train yourself to immediately think "no" before you respond to any type of request. Even if you initally say "no" to something you don't mind doing for someone else, you can always change your answer.

-Pause before you ever answer a request. Even just having a few seconds of time will give your brain and body time to process whether or not you want to do what is being asked of you.

Some scenarios I love: (I've modified them from the book; the book actually provides a lot of details for each scenario possible)

1.

Request: "You have such a great eye, mathematical finesse, writing ability, etc. Can you help me with this project?"

Response: "Wish I could, but I can't."

2.

Request: "I have two tickets for the opening of the new play at the Graham-Bell Theatre." (and you happen to hate plays)

Response: "Thank you. It was so thoughtful of you to invite me. I really prefer movies. Maybe

Ali or Seth would like to go."

3.

Request: "I know it's short notice but will you babysit for us over the weekend?"

Response: "I can't this weekend. I'm always delighted to take the children but I need to have a bit of advanced notice."

4.

Request (from a child): "It's not fair. I want to go to bed when Katie does. It doesn't matter if she's older than me!"

Response: "No. You need the extra sleep to help you grow. When you are Katie's age, you can stay up later."

5.

Request: "Mom and Dad, will you give me money for the down payment on a house?"

Response: "No, we aren't paying your down payment."

6.

Request (from your boss): "This mailing is huge and has to go out by the end of the day. Will you stuff envelopes during lunch?"

Response: "No, I can't do that today."

7.

Request: "I'm thinking about starting a sign-in and sign-out system for middle managers and support staff. You'll have to tell your group."

Response: "The people who work for me don't need to be monitored. They're professionals; they don't need a mother."

Learning to say "no" is an important step on the path to maturity and self-respect. However, it takes some practice, especially if you're like most women and have been trained to please others and put them before yourself. When you learn to say "no" you learn how to take your time (and essentially your life) back. Be prepared to be challenged and to be guilt-tripped when you learn to used the sacred word "no". Be prepared (especially if you're the people-pleasing type) for others to be shocked and initially upset when you turn down requests. Remember, however, that they'll get over it. And at the end of the day, you'll be liberated.