The Certainty of Uncertainty

Despite all of the self-help books I've read and the healers I've sought and the work I've done to try to culminate some wisdom in my life, some fears still have the power to grip me with their cold, icy hands and squeeze me into a state of frazzled anxiety. Although I've used The Work on most of these fears (I've been pretty successful and I'll share Byron Katie's genius with you in another post), one fear that keeps rearing its frightening head is the fear of being poor and homeless. 

I'm absolutely terrified of this. So much so that one time I actually decided to confront this fear. I was staying in a hostel during a vacation and was waiting outside for a friend to pick me up. I met a nice, homeless guy who was around my age hanging out on the porch. He was waiting for the hostel stayers to check out so that he could take a shower. I gave him an apple and figured this would be the perfect time to get the real deal on being on the streets. Our conversation (well, at least what I remember of it) went something like this:

Me: So, how do you find food?

Homeless Guy: I hang out by the pizza joints. Sometimes I help their drivers, but even if I just sit there all day, they have all of this leftover pizza they have to throw out at the end of the night. Actually there are a lot of places like this, that have to throw out their food. I make friends with the people who work there and they give me food after they close.

Me: How do you stay clean? You look pretty clean. 

H.G: Hostels often offer showers for $5. I usually beg for enough change or do little errands for people to save up for a shower and then come and get one. If I don't have enough money, I go to a public restroom and wash up in the sink. There are a lot of creative ways to get your laundry done too.  

Me: How do you keep yourself safe? I feel like if I was homeless, I would get mugged or raped. What do you do? 

H.G: I, personally, have a knife that's disguised as a pen. (He was then gracious enough to pull this out of his pocket and show it to me).  I once got mugged and a police officer helped me get this to defend myself. But I haven't gotten mugged since I've gotten it. The homeless women often get into the shelters at night easier than the men but we look out for each other too. In fact, there are two women hanging out behind the grocery store right now who I always keep an eye on. If someone is bothering them, they know I'm right there. 

Me: Do you ever get bored?

H.G.: I go to the library and read. Sometimes I'll ask people if I can have enough money to take the bus across town for a change of scenery. 

I thanked him for his time and gave him some bus fare. That was one of the most comforting conversations I've ever had, because I was asking an expert on homelessness the logistics of surviving my biggest fear. I left feeling relieved because I realized that even if I lost everything-my job, my house, my car, all my friends and family who would let me live on their couches-I could still survive. For several weeks after this conversation, I was no longer scared of becoming a bag lady and I lived a pretty worry-free life. 

By the end of the summer, my vacation ended and, unfortunately, so did my slight sojourn into inner peace. As soon as I got back to work (at a job I no longer liked), I contemplated quitting, only to be placed dead center into the homeless fear again. 

"You absolutely cannot quit," Blanche said, "You will be homeless." 

I bring up this fear now because last week, I sat down with my boss and told him that I would not be signing my contract for next year. (Currently, I am a middle school teacher and contract renewals go out next month).  He asked if I would consider staying on part-time, and although at the time I said it might be appealing, I know in my heart of hearts that with the (at least) 30 minute commute there and back home, it won't be worth my time to make the drive each day. Especially when I've already got a handful of clients to tend to. 

Even though G. and I have got our financial plan ready for next year, and even though both my fiance and my soul keep saying-Start this business! Now is the time when everyone is freaking out and scared and NEEDS this!-well (sigh) the homeless thing got a hold of me again.  Who could blame me? Every time I turn on the car radio, NPR is covering the thousands of people who are losing their jobs and the extreme measures some are taking to cut living costs. Newspaper headlines are shouting their doom and gloom. Friends of mine who are getting their advanced degrees and graduating soon, whisper their secret fears of being unemployed with thousands of dollars of  student loan debt.

"THE WORLD IS FALLING APART!!" Blanche keeps yelling at me. "HELLO!?! HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? And you want to, what? Get a job that you feel called to do? In a collapsing economy? Are you crazy?"

"My God, Blanche," I said yesterday after listening to several very educated experts chronicle an economic Armageddon,  "You may be right."

Then a funny thing happened. I realized the truth of uncertainty. 

As part of my life coach training, I listen to recordings of experienced life coaches coaching clients.  In one of them, Martha Beck walks a new client through her fear of starting a job she really wants to do, rather than taking a job in a cubicle. At the end of the session, the client realizes that even if she DID take the corporate cubicle job, there is no guarantee that she would earn a steady paycheck for the rest of her life. "There's no such thing any more as job security," Martha reminds the client. Then it was like: Eureka! She's right!

Ever since December, when I decided that I was leaving the teaching profession to pursue life coaching, I've heard every report of rising unemployment rates and economic trouble as warnings that doing what one loves is a frivolous luxury. Now I'm seeing things in a different light. Every report of rising unemployment rates and economic trouble could just as easily be seen as proof that no job is certain. No company is recession-proof or layoff-safe. No career is steady income guaranteed. Even teaching, which I always thought of as a secure gig, can no longer be thought of as so. An article in our local Atlanta Journal Constitution a few weeks ago talked about how Georgia may have to start cutting teachers. 

No job is certain. For that matter, nothing is certain. Certainty is an illusion.  

If this is true, then it really frees me up quite a bit. I feel safe with the thoughts: Why not try and do something you love and see what happens? Why not be creative and see how you can make ends meet? This is much better than the thought I woke up with this morning which went something like: If I don't stay in this soul-sucking profession, I will end up rotting in some back alley in a cardboard box. 

"You are naive to leave your job and think everything will be okay," Blanche told me earlier this afternoon. 

Nothing is certain. Anything can change. In fact, everything does change. So I'm sorry, dear Blanche, but it is naive to believe anything other than the truth of this. 

*Name a time when a positive change in your life resulted from something unexpected and unwanted happening. I'll go first (I have so many but I'll use the job one since that's the theme of the day). I got fired from Barnes and Noble. I was given a management position that wasn't supposed to be given to a part-time worker and the district manager found out. They laid me off over the phone. I was freaking out because I needed a job to pay for my groceries. The next week, I got a seasonal job at a great little store with an awesome, funny boss that paid me more than B&N, gave me a bigger discount and (after the holiday season) offered me a store management position upon my graduation. I didn't take it because I had a teaching job already lined up but it was nice little ego boost :)