The Work

The Work by Byron Katie is a powerful tool that you can use anytime you feel unpleasant feelings. Whether it be anxiety, sadness, anger, despair, or any other negative feeling, use these four simple questions to help you return to a state of contented joy. I've included my own personal example so that you can see how one can use this work. You may also want to read Loving What Is by Byron Katie to help you refine this technique. 

First, identify your negative feeling. Then find the thought behind the feeling, the thought that is making that unpleasant feeling possible. State this thought in a "should" statement and take it to the four questions. 

The Four Questions

1) Is is true?

2) Can you absolutely know that this is true?

3) How do you feel when you think this thought?

4) How would you feel if you could not think this thought?

-Now turn it around and find three reasons why the new statement is as true or truer than your original thought. 

Gabrielle's Example

-Situation: I got an email yesterday from a parent, telling me that I should have given her son several more warnings before I suspended him from a field trip. She stated that I was being unfair and that her son only gets in trouble in my class. I got really angry. 

-Thought behind unpleasant sensation: My students' parents should stop blaming me when their kids get into trouble in my classroom. 

Four Questions:

1) Is it true?

My answer: Yes. Parents should not blame me for their kids' behavior. 

2) Can you absolutely know that this is true?

My answer: Well, no. I can't know that they should NOT blame me, because who knows? Maybe they don't really blame me. Maybe they just say it's my fault out of frustration but go home and blame themselves. 

3)How do you feel when you think this thought?

My answer: I feel angry. My stomach tightens up and my whole upper body gets really tight. I start thinking of how I'm always the scapegoat for the parents and I feel my face flush. My heart starts racing faster and I feel like punching a wall. 

4) How would you feel if you could not think this thought?

My answer: I would just be sitting there, with the parents, calm and peaceful. Even if they were screaming at me, saying it was my fault, I could just look at them with compassion and see the pain underneath what they are saying.

Turn it around (This is where you think of as many opposite statements as you can to your original thought and find the one that rings most true for you.)

Original Thought: My students' parents should stop blaming me when their kids get in trouble in my classroom.

Possible Turnarounds:

-My students' parents SHOULD blame me when their kids get in trouble in my classroom. (This is reality; this is what happens. Who am I to determine the order of the universe? How do I know that their blame isn't actually helping me in some way? But this doesn't ring totally true, just a little true.)

-I should stop blaming me when the kids get in trouble in my classroom. (This could be true. Oftentimes when a parent blames me, a part of me feels like they might be right. Like I might be a bad, unfair teacher.)

-I should stop blaming the parents when the kids get in trouble in my classroom. (This is the one that feels most true for me. I often think that the kids would be better behaved if their parents were better disciplinarians. In this way, I see how the parents and I are just alike-we both believe someone else is to blame for the kids acting badly).

Three reasons why your new statement is true or truer:

-Every time I blame the students' parents, I feel like crap inside.

-By pointing the finger at the parents, I lose focus over what I can do to help the child improve his/her behavior. 

-I don't like to be blamed for things outside my control and so I should treat others with the same respect. 

*If you'd like, share your own turnarounds here as comments to this post. One of my fellow coaches does this religiously. Check out her blog for more examples of how to do this.