See, I am a recovering people-pleaser. I'd even go so far as to call my self an ex-approval whore. I have spent tons of time and energy trying to make others happy and trying to gain their approval. I did things I didn't want to do, said things I didn't want to say and even tried to convince myself at times to think things that weren't right for me, all in the name of gaining a stamp of approval from someone else.
About two years ago, I was working with a life coach who became completely frustrated with me. I had just described for him exactly what my dream life would look like and even had a basic plan of how I could get there. When he asked me what was holding me back from embarking upon this path, my reply went something like: But what will everyone think? I knew myself inside and out and even knew the specifics that would bring my life the greatest joy. However, I just could not imagine enduring the disapproval I knew I was bound to get from some others.
"My god!" my life coach retorted, even throwing up his hands for dramatic effect, "You almost died of cancer. You know exactly what you want your life to look like and you know how to get there. How much longer are you going to hold yourself back because you're afraid of what others may say?"
Ahem. About two years, I could answer now. I am happy to say that I have started to actually put my dream life plan into action, but it took quite a bit of self-growth to get here. A lot of the stalling came from self-doubt. I believe if I had found this body compass exercise sooner, I may have dissolved some of those doubts sooner. So if you find yourself unhappy and not knowing quite how to pave your path to joy, this exercise can help. I've found it a good place to start; it will give you some good clues. If you know what you'd like to do next, but are afraid of what others may think, this exercise can help too (coupled with the book I Need Your Love-Is that true? by Byron Katie.)
Our bodies don't care what the neighbors will think. They only want us to be happy. As Mary Oliver says-you only have to love what the soft animal of your body loves. This is the first step in realizing your own innate wisdom.
For now, just do the two exercises below (Feeling Crappy and Feeling Great). This is the first step in getting back in touch with your body compass. If you find yourself really stuck, go back and read the exercise on the previous post and do the mini-body meditation.
*The Body Compass Exercise
(This is an abbreviated, ad-lib like version. A more detailed version is given to my clients but this will help you get started.)
1. Feeling Crappy
a) Think of a place you hate going to. Write it here. _____________
b) Think of someone you can't stand. Write his/her name here: ________________.
c) Think of a time in your life when you physically felt awful. Describe what was going on in your physical body:_____________.
d) Think of something you don't like to do. Write it here: ___________________.
e) Think of someone who has hurt you deeply. Write his/her name here: ______________.
Complete the following paragraph, filling in the blanks accordingly.
You are going to (a) to (d). You're not happy about this as (c). To make matters worse, when you get to (a), you realize that you are going to have to stay for a very long time. Just when you think things couldn't be any worse, you see (e) and (b) there and realize you have to interact with them while you are at (a).
*How do you feel in your physical body? Can you give it a short name that sums up how terrible you feel? (You can see my example below).
2. Feeling great
a) Think of a place you love going to. Write it here: _______________.
b) Think of someone you love hanging out with. Write his/her name here:____________.
c) Think of a time in your life when you felt extremely healthy and physically awesome. Describe what was going on with your physical body: _______________________.
d) Think of something you love to do. Write it here: __________________.
e) Think of someone who inspires you and makes you feel great. Write his/her name here: ____________.
Complete the following paragraph, filling in the blanks accordingly.
(b) calls you and asks you to go to (a) to (d). You are so excited that you've been invited, especially since (c). You accept the invitation, only to learn that (e) is coming along as well!
*How do you feel in your physical body? See if you can create a name for it here.
Gabrielle's Example
1. Feeling Crappy
I am going to a PTA meeting, to grade 7th grade research papers. I'm not happy about this, because I feel like I'm going to vomit and I have an excruciating headache. To make matters worse, when I get to the PTA meeting, I realize I'm going to have to stay there for a very long time. Just when I think things couldn't be any worse, I see S. and C. there and I realize I'm going to have to interact with them during the PTA meeting.
My feeling when I do this exercise: The squished, suffocating feeling.
2. Feeling Great
G. calls me and invites me to go to Oregon to write. I'm so excited I've been invited, especially since my body feels strong and vibrant. I accept the invitation, only to learn that C. is coming as well!
My feeling when I do this exercise: The open, free feeling.
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