Healthy Boundaries

The other day I was at the gym, watching a show on Vh1. I'm not a big fan of reality tv but I was attempting to climb a mountain on the elliptical machine and I just didn't have the energy to change the channel. Now most reality shows, from what I can gather, are about as far from real life as one could get. This one, however, seemed different.

I caught the show somewhere in the middle so I don't know all of the details but from what I could gather, a woman was attempting to set some boundaries with her son's father. "Today I am going to tell him that he needs to take my son for the weekend," she said. "But this is going to be very hard for me. I've never done this before, even though it's what we had agreed upon. I'm just not used to setting any kind of boundaries with him. With anyone for that matter. "Aha!" I thought. "Even reality show characters have problems with setting boundaries." Then I hit another difficult incline and forgot all about this poor woman until I sat down to write today's post.

Let's face it. A lot of us have problems setting boundaries with certain people in our lives. In fact, as I scroll through a mental list of all of the women I know, EVERY ONE of them has told me, at some point, that they struggle with setting boundaries with at least one person. We want to be perceived as nice and helpful. We want people to like us. We want the people we love to know that we are there for them. And of course all of this goes utterly wrong when we start to let others cross that sacred line that divides our true selves from our obligatory ones.

In my previous entry, I discussed the difference between being compassionate and being a doormat. In her amazing book on personal healing entitled Light Emerging, author Barbara Brennan discusses the differences between positive relationships and negative ones:

Healthy positive relationships are interdependent and have clearly established contracts of honesty, support and caring. In them there is plenty of room for freedom, creativity and self-expression as well as healthy care and concern for each other. On the other hand, unhealthy relationships are created through negative, unhealthy "contracts" that limit, trap, use, control and even intimidate the people in them. They block creativity, personal expression and interfere with the natural personal growth of each person involved.

Brennan goes on to state that these negative relationships are actually the result of negative "contracts"-or unspoken agreements-that we have gotten ourselves into. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. The friend who is always late, even to appointments when timelieness is needed? The family member who borrows money from you and never pays you back? You don't say anything to them because of a negative contract. Somewhere along the line you agreed not to say anything. Not out loud of course, maybe not even consciously. But somewhere inside of you, at some point in time, you registered that this behavior bothered you and then decided that you weren't going to say anything about it. That is a negative contract. According to Brennan, the only way to get out of a negative contract is to break it.

If you begin to examine, honestly and openly, why you've created a negative contract, if you begin to truly look at your intentions, what you will find is a need to be approved of and loved. For example, perhaps you have a problem standing up to your mom. When you call her, she criticizes you and you don't speak up on your own behalf. Ask yourself why. Are you afraid if you did she would get angry? Hang up on you? Never speak to you again? And what if she did one or even all of these actions, what would that ulitmately mean? That she did not love you?

If you look deep enough, what you will realize is that underneath every negative contract is a fear of not being accepted and not being loved. Ironically what happens when we participate in negative contracts is that we never get the kind of acceptance and love we are looking for because when we allow others to violate our boundaries, we will not feel accepted and loved by them. In addition, we will not feel as if we love or accept ourselves either, because we are not standing up for ourselves. A negative contract serves no one, not even the other person whom you think you are helping by continuing your participation in it. If you have any negative contracts in your life, I would highly encourage you to break them. The payoff for breaking a negative contract is very rewarding, even if it seems very scary and daunting to do so at first.

There are two steps to breaking a negative contract. The first step is to become aware that it exists and to raise your awareness of the negative effects it has on your life. The second step is to gather up enough courage to do that which you are most afraid to do in regards to the negative contract- to do what you must do in order to break it. If you've thought of someone with whom you have a negative contract, it's time to dissolve it. As long as you have a negative contract with anyone, you will stifle your true self, your creativity and your deepest love. Don't you think you deserve a happy and solid life? Don't you deserve honest, fulfilling relationships with others? Those negative contracts need to be broken!

In this post, I've included two charts, complete with examples and written explanations so that you can understand how to complete them. I've included an example from Gary, a man who believes he has to give his mother excessive caretaking in order to be loved by her. (This is an example from Brennan's book). The explanation will walk you through how Gary filled out both of the charts and will give you information on his story. I have also included my own personal example chart as well.

The first chart is designed to help you raise your awareness of why are participating in the negative contract and how the contract is negatively affecting your life. As you go through and fill out your own chart (after looking at the examples), be compassionate with yourself. There is an innocence here, a deep innocence that we all participate in because we want to be loved and accepted, that led you to create this contract in the first place. Now that you've grown into more self-awareness, it is time to break it. The second chart will walk you through the process of breaking it and will ask you to reflect on the benefits this action has on your life.

As you go through these exercises, there need not be any self-judgment on how long you've participated in the contract or how bad you've let things get. The essential and most important part of this exercise is making the decision and mustering up the bravery to leave behind what no longer serves you.

The following documents and charts are taken from one of my 12 week programs entitled Project Confidence.

Step One: Awareness of Negative Contract and Its Effects. Examples and charts here.

Step Two: Breaking the Negative Contract and forming a Positive Contract. Examples and charts here.

Good luck with the task ahead. Once you break the negative contract, go out and do something very nice for yourself. It's not easy to conjure up the courage to do this and you deserve some very big congratulations.

When compassion goes awry

From the time we are very little girls, we women have been taught to "be nice." It's something our parents told us, our teachers told us and even strangers told us to do. In addition to the social conditioning most women receive, most of us are on some kind of conscious spiritual path. Whether you attend a church or temple, meditate regularly or go to your weekly yoga class, most of us participate in some kind of belief system that is intended to better ourselves. And one of the most essential aspects of any spiritual belief system is being kind to others.


We adopt these attitudes of being nice and being kind and we work actively to cultivate compassion because we believe that is what good people do. This is how great humanitarian works are erected and this is the foundation from which many esteemed social activists operate. Kindness and compassion are essential not only to our own happiness but to the betterment of the world.

However, what I'm noticing in several clients, and what's become more and more clear to me as I grow, is that many of us take compassion too far. We don't have solid boundaries when it comes to kindness; we don't know when and how to say "no" and we use our spiritual paths as an excuse for allowing others to take advantage of us. In our quests to be nice to everyone, we forget to be nice to ourselves.

Pema Chodron, one of my favorite Buddhist nuns and spiritual teachers, calls this inability to set healthy boundaries Idiot Compassion. I sometimes suffer from Idiot Compassion, or at least I did until I became aware of it recently. Perhaps you do too. Idiot Compassion is, quite simply, enabling another person to be mean or violent or disrespectful towards you out of a skewed definition that the person needs your compassion more than they need your boundaries.

An extreme example of Idiot Compassion would be the woman who stays friends with the alcoholic who lies to her and manipulates her, believing if she left her friend's side that friend would crumble. Or the woman who continuously allows her husband to scream at her and berate her and then excuses his behavior by saying that he's just had a hard week at work. There are subtle examples too. The friend who always shows up late, even when promptness is a necessity, but you don't say anything because you know how busy his life is. The person who calls you with an "emergency" when she knows you've got an important deadline, but you want to be a good friend so you let her take up your afternoon with her drama (and isn't this her third emergency of the month?) The brother who "borrows" money from you and then never pays you back but you decide not to say anything because you know how broke he is.

These are all examples of Idiot Compassion. I'm sure you can think of more.

There are two distinct ways to tell real compassion from Idiot Compassion.

1. Real compassion feels good. It makes you feel free and helpful and full of purpose. (Like helping your elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her house). Idiot Compassion does not feel good. It feels subtly defeating, like something is being taken from you.

2. Real compassion, upon reflection, makes you feel uplifted and joyful. Idiot Compassion, upon reflection, makes you feel like you should make an excuse about why you are allowing the bad behavior. Real compassion doesn't need any kind of explanation; Idiot Compassion is full of excuses.

Other signs that you are participating in Idiot Compassion:

-You tell a more assertive friend about the situation and she tells you that you should speak up.

-You feel bad every time you interact with this person but are not sure why.

-You find yourself wanting to avoid a certain person because you feel a sense of guilt, fear or obligation whenever you talk to him/her.

If you suspect that you may be participating in Idiot Compassion, then the next step is to learn how to set up some healthy boundaries. In Barbara Brennan's book Light Emerging, Brennan calls the tendency to not set healthy boundaries "participating in a negative contract." Once you've identified the people with whom you are giving Idiot Compassion, then your next step is to set up better boundaries with them, a process Brennan calls "creating positive contracts."

This week, make a list of people to whom you suspect you may be serving as a doormat. (Your Idiot Compassion recepients, if you will.) Next week, I will show you a simple and effective way to dissolve your negative contracts and how to create positive contracts.

Still not sure whether the compassion you're dishing out is helpful or hurtful? Take this interesting and fun quiz to see how often you may be participating in Idiot Compassion.

dead and gone (thank god!)

Yesterday as I was running around town, getting a Mother's Day present for my mom, I heard an interesting song on the radio. It was by one of my favorite hip-hop artists, T.I., and it caught my attention because the lyrics seem to state exactly what is happening in my life (and probably in the lives of most people who have just progressed through Square One). Although T.I. is talking about leaving behind the violent ego-preserving expectations of rap artists (something to which I can't really relate) I felt like the guy understood me, and what I'm going through, completely.

Let me share this with you:

I've been traveling on this road too long. I'm just trying to find my way back home. The old me's dead and gone, dead and gone. I turn my head to the east; I don't see nobody by my side. I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight. So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride. That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright.

T.I. is on the mark here with what it feels like to be in Square Two. These feelings of-Who am I now? and Where is everybody that used to be in my life? are very common. Martha Beck calls this "The Empty Elevator" syndrome but at times I like to think of it as a blank slate. It's a scary, lonely part of the cycle, but it can also be a perceived as quality time you get to spend with your new self. You want to know this new person, don't you, since you'll be living her life?

Sometimes I get excited knowing that I have the freedom to create whatever I'd like, but sometimes I get sad because the only people I socialize with these days are my husband and our new neighbors. It's a little unsettling for a social butterfly such as myself to realize that so many of her former social networks no longer feel right.

I've tried, for quite some time, to deny that the old me is really dead and gone. I continue to hang out with the same people I've hung out with for years, I continue to attend functions that I used to like to attend, I continue to volunteer for the same organizations that I've always volunteered for. What I'm learning is that the more I grow, the louder my body compass speaks to me. I can't deny any more that the evening get-togethers, party invitations and volunteer requests feel so, well, shackles on. Just to be sure that I'm not in a bad mood or that it's not my hormones speaking, I've recently gone to several gatherings and parties just to make sure that my compass is telling the truth. And it is. The old me really is dead and gone. The old life, and many people in that life, no longer fit.

Take, for example, the guy I've hung out with for years who invited me out for coffee only to spend the whole time bragging about himself and his accomplishments. Or the woman I was with the other day who rolls her eyes anytime I talk about the mind-body connection and dismisses me as hippy-dippy. Then of course there is the one girl who is so uncomfortable that I've married someone not American that she squirms anytime I talk about my new Indian husband.

Of course these people can't be your friends! my essential self says. Look at the way they treat you! And of course my essential self is right.

I have to admit, the hardest part about all of this is not neccessarily that I've got more alone time now than I've had in the past. (Like many creative people, I enjoy solitude and time experimenting with my new ideas). What's bothering me the most is that when the new me is hanging out with the people that the old me used to, she's absolutley horrified. Not only does it feel foreign to be in my old life but is feels downright insulting.

Why would I ever put up with being treated this way? I keep wondering. Why does so-and-so think it's okay to spend 90 minutes talking about himself in his slimy way? Why does so-and-so think it's okay to roll her eyes at me? Why would I hang out with someone who can't accept the person I love? The answers I come up with are never very fun to hear. It comes back to the age old adage of wisdom: You teach people how to treat you. And from the looks of it, I haven't been teaching people very well that I deserve to be treated with respect.

When I dive into the reasons behind this, I don't think it has to do with low self-esteem or low self-worth. It seems more like I suffer from something many kind, spiritual people do, a complex Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron calls IDIOT COMPASSION.

I was raised to be very kind to everyone, unfortunately even those who treated me like crap. You know, the whole "turn-the-other-cheek" thing. But allowing people to treat me badly no longer jives with my new self. When I found Chodron's article on Idiot Compassion, suddenly it all made sense. I had confused being kind to others with being a doormat (which, if you've ever suffered from this pyschosis yourself know that it means, ironically, that you are not being kind to everyone because you are not being kind to yourself).

Because Idiot Compassion is a complex topic, I'm going to write my next post on how to identify it, how to set healthy emotional boundaries with others and how to break ties with people who don't respect those boundaries. That's coming up.

For now, though, if you've gone through Square One, if you've jumped through the Ring of Fire (hopefully without too many burns) and are finding your elevator empty and lonely, here are some helpful next steps you can take (ones, I might add, that I am taking now myself):

1. Make a list of everyone who is in your life and with whom you interact.

2. Take a deep breath and start to focus on the sensations of your body. (Remember the shackles on, shackles off test? If you don't, see this post.)

3. Go through each name on your list, focusing on how your body reacts to the memory of this person. If you get a shackles on feeling (a negative feeling), put a - sign next to this person's name. If you get a shackles off feeling (a positive feeling), put a + sign next to this person's name. (Some people may register neutral. Put a 0 next to neutral people).

4. Find a way to spend more time with + people and less time (if any) with 0 and - people. I understand that there may be people on your list with whom you cannot avoid interacting. You may hate your boss and yet she may be someone with whom you have to interact with while you are at work. Keep your interactions to the bare minimum then. Remember that although you have to talk to her in meetings, you do not have to sit next to her during the office holiday party and pretend like you enjoy talking to her because she is your boss. See the difference?

5. Once you stop spending so much time with - people, you will start having more free time. At first this may feel like being lonely, especially if a lot of the people you used to hang out with get a negative reading on your body compass. You can use this time to:

a) Get to know yourself better (Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way is a great book even if you don't think of yourself as an artist)

b) Spend more time with your + people

c) Find more + people to hang out with. (Meetup.com has a lot of interesting groups, some of which you may be interested in joining).

When you start treating yourself kindly, you will decide that you want to be surrounded by others who also treat you kindly. And that, my friends, is true kindness.

RECAP-5 Minute Life Coach

If you're finding yourself feeling a bit lonely after you've made some positive changes, or not sure if the people you've surrounded yourself with in the past will fit your new life, conduct this simple test:

1. Make a list of everyone who is currently in your life and with whom you interact.

2. Go through each name on your list, focusing on how your body reacts to the memory of this person. If you get a shackles on feeling (a negative feeling), put a - sign next to this person's name. If you get a shackles off feeling (a positive feeling), put a + sign next to this person's name. (Some people may register neutral. Put a 0 next to neutral people).

3. Find a way to spend more time with + people and less time (if any) with 0 and - people. Use the extra time you've now freed up to learn more about yourself or to meet more + people.

Square Two or The Emancipation of You

Let's face it. Square One sucks. Your old life disintegrates before your eyes, you are thrown back and forth between a whole bunch of unpleasant emotions as you process through the grief cycle and then you go through the Ring of Fire. Ugh.

The good news is that once you are done in Square One, you get to go to Square Two.

If I haven't mentioned this before (and I believe I have but a review is sometimes helpful), Martha Beck identifies four squares in any change cycle. She likens the changes to a butterfly metamorphosis, in which one must completely dissolve an aspect of one's life in order to create a new aspect. Caterpillars, for those of you who don't know, don't build a cocoon, hibernate inside and then sprout some wings. (Why wasn't I ever taught this in science class?) They actually dissolve into a soupy substance where only their heart remains intact and whole. They then reform an entirely new body-their butterfly body-around their heart before they emerge from the cocoon.

Square One was so hard because you dissolved into a soupy substance. Square Two is better for most people, because you get to build your new, butterfly body. (Of course, I mean "body" in an abstract sense although those making new diet/exercise plans may actually be creating a new physical body).

Beck tells us life coaches that when a client is in Square Two several things will happen. There will be a dramatic image alteration (think brand new hair), the client will mention night dreams becoming more powerful or intense, (or a client who could not previously remember dreams will start remembering them) and the client will, in general, start thinking of what they would like to create next. The mantra for Square Two (meaning the way clients will generally feel in this part of the change cycle) is: There are no rules.

Whoever existed prior to the change is gone in some big way, and the sky's the limit as to what the client wants to create next.

As many of you who follow this blog know, my life coaching business is in its infant stages. However, over the past three months, I've coached lots of clients. Several of them dropped off once they hit the Ring of Fire, several of them are going through the Ring of Fire right now, and two of them have just emerged into Square Two. I don't have any client examples to share with you about Square Two because my clients aren't there yet. But I am there so I can share my experience and what you can possibly expect (although keep in mind that your Square Two experience may be quite different).

Beck told us in class the other day that a lot of clients like Square Two. There's a lot of freedom here and exploring of a new self. For most people, this is an imaginative and creative time. Because I consider myself a creative person, I was looking forward to Square Two. I was actually thinking that it would be a lot of fun.

Boy, was I wrong. Square Two is more frightening for me than the Ring of Fire. Why? You may ask. Well, there are no rules in Square Two. I can create whatever I'd like. But this lack of structure, this lack of knowing if I'm doing things right or not, this total freedom is terrifying.

See, prior to Square One I could tell you that my life was super-organized and that I was on top of everything. I exuded confidence and control. I knew what was expected of me and I delivered exceptional results. Then I get to Square Two and realize that I don't know anything. What's more is that the old me and the parts of my old life that are still around just don't fit anymore so I'm letting them go, without knowing, for sure, what's going to come next.

Let me give you some specific examples of my Square Two drama. In my old life, as a teacher, I had to wake up at 6am so that I could get to work on time, ready to teach. I knew that I had to wear conservative clothes (think adolescent boys) and comfortable shoes (think on feet all day, running around like crazy). I knew what I was doing as a teacher (I taught for six years) and I knew my "role" at work. I knew that I only had 20 minutes for lunch and so would plan lunch meals accordingly. I knew what time I could leave and when I would get home. Often I would be so exhausted after work that I would either skip my evening workouts or limit them to 30 minutes 'cuz that's all I could handle. When I got home I would make dinner with my husband, complain about how much I hated my job, read and then fall asleep only to do it all over again the next day. Just writing about this old life makes me nauseous. It was horrible!

But now? I can get up whenever I'd like (my clients want late-morning or afternoon slots so no need to wake up before sunrise). I can wear whatever I'd like. I can do those 45-1 hour interesting workouts in my Shape magazine because I actually have the energy now to do them. I can work on my business or I can sunbathe at our pool. I can take an hour lunch break. I can find new recipes and try them out for dinner. There is no exhaustion, there is no frustration. There is a lot more fun and joy and laughter. Every time I finish a coaching session, I am so in awe of the healing power that has just taken place, I feel an immense sense of gratitude and tell my husband how lucky I am to have this job.

You're probably wondering, so what the heck is the problem here?

The problem is that I don't recognize myself and because of this, my lizard, Blanche (remember her?) is having an absolute fit. She tells me every day when I luxuriously roll out of bed at 8 that I'm being irresponsible. When I go for a walk in our beautiful Zen garden, she chastises me for being too self-indulgent. Yesterday, I had some intense creative urges to change the color formats of my blog and she started freaking out about me "working on the weekends." Each time I make successful progress with my business, she dismisses it as "luck that will soon run out." Blanche is so threatened by Square Two because her voice isn't all that important to me any more.

My husband is a business analyst consultant and usually works 10-12 hours a day. He hasn't been on a project the past six weeks and so we've had the best honeymoon time one could wish for. We relax on our deck with our iced mochas in the morning. He has time to run some of the household errands I hate to do and so I've been relieved of that. We've been able to play tennis in the early afternoons together. It's been wonderful. We also go out now a lot more than we used to since neither of us has to be up early for work. Last night, we decided to go to little Italian cafe in downtown Atlanta.

I chose to wear three inch black heels, very short white shorts, and a sheer, silk long-sleeved black shirt. My husband just about fell off of the couch. "My God," he said, "You look great."

See, for the past year, the guy's been offering to take me shopping. He has gently tried to persuade me to trade in my Danskos for strapless, toe-bearing sandals. He has offered to buy me V-neck shirts instead of my safe, cover-up-even-the-collar-bone T's. When we've gone out, he's suggested I wear a sexy skirt or a dress and I snap, "Um, excuse me, have you forgotten that I'm a teacher and may run into my student's parents any where we go?"

That old life though, is now gone. Not only am I dressing differently, but I've dyed my hair back to its dark brown color and recently had it layered. The other day I bought red (gasp!) nail polish and gave myself a mani AND a pedi. Even though I still wear minimal make-up, I've invested in some trendier items, like white eye liner and bright red lipstick.

"I think you have the Square Two phase confused with becoming a slut," Blanche likes to say these days.

I pat her on the head, give her a grape and tell her I won't be mad if she decides to take a little vacation away from my life. Square Two CAN be scary. If you get there and the lack of rules and the lack of structure starts to freak you out, just remember this is all part of the process. Pat your lizard on the head and tell her that's it's okay that you want to dress differently and wear your hair in a new way. The old you is gone and the new you is fabulous.

*I'd love to hear about or see any makeovers that you've done in Square Two. Post them to the blog or send them to me-I love before and afters! I'll get mine up here soon.

Honoring the Negative

If you are ready to change and you are willing to go through the Ring of Fire (see last post), then you may want to prepare yourself for what will surface as you move through the change cycle. My experience has been that the magnitude of the change I make is directly proportional to the magnitude of the negativity that arises within my Ring of Fire. If I take on a little change, the Ring of Fire isn't too tough. But for those sea changes, those life-altering-I'll-never-be-the-same-after-this changes, the Ring of Fire gets a little more difficult.

As with any change, some old pattern or habit or aspect of one's life dissolves so that a new pattern or habit or aspect of one's life can emerge. Something dies so that something new may be born. Even if this change is welcomed, even if this change is what one has been dreaming for one's entire life, it is still a change. It still means that something dies, that something that was there previously is now gone. (It is interesting how some people think that just because they've made a change for the better that they should not experience any negativity with the change). Not suprisingly, when change happens, many people go through the same emotions they experience when someone they love is dying or has died. A change is, in essence, a death.

If you are not familiar with these emotional stages that accompany a death outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, they are: 1. denial, 2. anger, 3. bargaining, 4. grief, 5. acceptance. Kübler-Ross discusses how people often transition back and forth between stages; it's not as if we go through one stage and then neatly move on to the next one. People who are making changes go through these stages as well, often transitioning back and forth between one stage and the next.

All of this is fairly easy to understand and makes sense. A change is the death of something, and one often denies it, gets angry about it, starts to reason that maybe it doesn't have to happen and thinks of some ways to come to some kind of compromise, gets very sad and mourns the old way, and then, finally, accepts the change and finds a state of peace. For me, I notice that right after I emerge from denial I start bargaining and then when that doesn't work I get angry. Grief immediately follows the anger and then I get to a state of acceptance. So it may help if, instead of looking at these stages like you can expect to go through denial first, then anger, then bargaining, etc, look at all of these emotions and know that you can expect to cycle through any of them at any time when you are making a change.

It is also important to honor the negativity that arises and to not be scared of it surfacing. It is a natural part of the process and, in order to be released, needs to be felt.

I've mentioned the Law of Attraction before on this blog and many of my fellow Martha Beck life coaches are also into it. If you're not familiar with this law, it's very simple. It basically states that you can attract what you'd like into your life by changing your energetic vibration, or the "vibes" you release out into the world. For example, if you'd like more abundance in your life, you make space in your day to quiet your mind and feel what it would feel like to have more abundance. You "pretend" like you already have abundance, and focus on whatever sensations that brings into your being. So for example, for me having abudance feels solid and secure. My breathing slows and my shoulders release and I feel calm.

By pretending that you have what you'd like, you can "reset" your vibrations to attract what you'd like to attract. The law states that like attracts like, so (using my example), I can attract abundance by changing my energetic vibrations to a state of abundance. The other day I explained it to a client this way: It's like changing your radio station. If you're listening to pop rock on 94.1 and you want the classical music on 90.1, you've got to change the dial to hear the music you'd like.

This makes sense, right? But there are some huge misunderstandings that I'm noticing as I coach people and as I discuss the Law of Attraction with my fellow coaches, especially when people are willing to go through the Ring of Fire. People are misunderstanding this awesome law as they are in the midst of making positive changes and this is causing them even more pain and suffering. I'd like to clear some things up here so that, as you muster the courage to pass through The Ring of Fire and make the changes you'd like to better your life, you don't fall into the same trap.
Common Misunderstanding: If I feel my negative emotions, then that means I'll attract negative things into my life.

This is totally not true. The negative emotions of sadness, fear, grief, etc. exist for a reason. They are normal and essential to feel for they guide us in the ways we need to be guided. Byron Katie would say the negative emotions are urging us to rethink our thoughts. Many psychologists say that these emotions help us realize our boundaries. I had a spiritual healer who told me feeling our way through our negative emotions was an essential step to happiness. Whatever your belief system, negative emotions serve a purpose and they often surface when there is a change in your life. By being afraid of feeling them, you only generate more fear. By stuffing them down because you're afraid you're going to attract negativity only suppresses them, making it even more probable that you will attract situations that try to get them to surface. (Read: more painful situations that challenge you to feel negativity).

Negative emotions need to be honored. They need to be felt, fully and completely, so that you can release them and make space for the positive emotions. It's kind of like cleaning out your closet. You've gotta get rid of the clothes that don't fit or that you don't like any more so that you have room for the new clothes.

Now, I'd like to discuss the difference between feeling your negative emotions and wallowing in them. We all know people who seem to love the negative. They have anger issues and get pissed off all the time or they are telling you their tales of woe every time you have a conversation. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.

Feeling your negative emotions means giving yourself time and space to fully feel the emotions that arise when a change happens in your life. Wallowing in your negative emotions means they become part of your personal story about life (As in-Nothing ever works out for me! or That good for nothing ex-husband left me high and dry!) If you're chanting a personal mantra about unhappiness, misery and anger, you are not feeling your negative emotions in a healthy way. You are staying stuck in a story that does not serve you. (To revisit the closet metaphor, it's like you are just standing there looking at all the clothes that don't fit anymore or the clothes you don't like and complaining about how much you dislike the clothes. You aren't doing anything about getting rid of them.)

I like to give myself some time and space to feel my negative emotions when I go through any change. I know they are going to arise and I accept them. During this time, I play music that reflects my feelings. I go lift weights and punch pillows. I cry. I honor my negative emotions by giving them space and feeling them fully. Then I let the emotions go. That way I can make room for the happiness and peace that follows.

I always know if I've gone from feeling my negative emotions to wallowing in them by others' reactions. When my friends' eyes start to glaze over as I'm telling them (probably for the umteenth time) about my pain or when I'm telling a story and people sigh a lot around me and act impatient, I know that I've passed over into the unhealthy stage. At this point, I've gone from feeling my negative emotions to wallowing in them.

So, to recap, feeling negative emotions is healthy when you set your intention to feel them and let them go in order to make room for the positive emotions. Wallowing in negative emotions is unhealthy. If you are having trouble feeling your emotions, sometimes seeing a therapist will help and many life coaches will feel confident helping you through this. If you're having trouble because you're wallowing in your emotions, a life coach may be your best bet to helping you let that story go.

The Ring of Fire and Having Courage

On my office desk, I have a pack of "Self-Care Cards" by Cheryl Richardson. A friend gave this 52 card deck to me years ago but I continue to use them, as they offer inspirational (and often strangely prophetic) messages week after week. What I usually do is turn a new one face-up at the start of a new week and see what it says. This week's message is: Release your ties to the past. When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

How ironic as I planned to discuss The Ring of Fire with you this week (also known as what you can expect when you go through a major change).

In Martha Beck's life coaching school, we learn about the change process before we learn about anything else. According to Beck, there are 4 stages one progresses through as one makes a shift in his/her life. As you can probably guess, for life coaches-whose entire job is to help clients change areas of their lives where they experience unhappiness or discomfort-this is an important foundational piece of knowledge. I personally love it because when things change in my life I usually feel unsettled, uncertain and scared to pieces. What the hell is going on?!? becomes my daily mantra when things are going awry. And one thing I really dislike is NOT knowing what the hell is going on.

Now that I know about the Ring of Fire, it's not so difficult to transgress this rough terrain. Knowing that this is a normal stage in the process of change is comforting, liberating in fact, because I know that good things are on their way.

When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

If there's a change going on in your life- maybe it's a marriage and possibly a name change with this marriage, a move to a different city, buying a new house, changing jobs or positions, making new friends and leaving old ones behind or even redecorating-you may find yourself going through The Ring of Fire. The past six months, I've gone through all of the aforementioned changes. Anytime there is a transition in your life from one major thing to another (whether welcomed or unwelcomed), the Ring of Fire is around the corner. Being prepared for it makes it easier to deal with. Instead of facing a change with resistance and struggle, you can more smoothly and gracefully navigate it when you know what's coming.

I would say, at the ripe age of 31, that I am a Ring of Fire expert. I say this because my life has been full of huge changes. Before the age of 15, I lived in 4 different states and 6 different cities. Each time we moved I had to switch schools, make new friends and often learn new regional social norms. (New England is quite different from the South which is even more different than the Midwest). Because I had no choice in the matter, I had to learn how to deal with change. After awhile, I began to enjoy it. As I grew older, I started to welcome it and then initiate it when needed.

At 19 I was diagnosed with cancer, at 20 I was bald and when my hair did grow back it was a completely different color and texture than before. At 21 I started a major in social work and at 22 I decided to double major in English and Education instead. At 24 I left my college boyfriend suddenly when I found out about his infidelity and at 25 I moved across the country to join Teach for America. At 28 I left my career to hike the Pacific Northwest and at 29 I moved to Capitol Hill to work in ed policy. Change, change, change, until life began to feel like one big adventure and even the changes I didn't initially want began to bring me a sense of freedom.

If you look back upon your own life, I'm sure you can think of many huge changes as well. In hindsight, you may realize how beneficial they were. But even the ones you initiated were difficult at times I bet, probably due to the Ring of Fire. So what the heck IS this Ring of Fire?

The Ring of Fire is what happens in the first stage of change but it is not the initial part of change (Martha Beck calls this first stage of change SQUARE ONE). It is what happens when you are no longer in denial that things can stay the same as they were and the old begins to completely dissolve. What happens on a psychological level is that a part of your ego, a part of your past identity, is "burned up" with the realization that things are different. Egos and parts of egos do not like to be burned up and dissolved. They are like any life form and they will go kicking and screaming until their death. If you are like most of us, you identify with your ego and so it can feel, literally, as if a part of you is dying (which, in essence, it is). The only way through the Ring of Fire is to:

-Disbelieve the thoughts that are causing you suffering
AND/OR
-Grieve your losses

When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

Let me give you some real-life examples of the Ring of Fire:

-A friend of mine has published several articles in prestigious academic journals under her maiden name. She gets married. Yay! She is so happy to be married to the love of her life. She changes her last name to her husband's but then, when it's time to publish a new article, feels devastated because the author's name is now different. She feels as if the esteemed author (her maiden name) is gone and she has to start all over (with her married name). She feels that this loss of her maiden name is actually a loss of her identify and of her self.

-My husband and I bought a new house and moved from the city proper to the suburbs. Peace, quiet, less traffic and less pollution. Suddenly, I feel threatened because my artistic hipster city identity seems to be replaced with the typical get-married-and-move-to-the-suburbs identity. "All of the creative publishing opportunities that seemed to fall in my lap when I lived in the city will be gone because I will morph into a suburban mom! I will leave my beloved writing behind to drive kids to soccer practice in a van!" I find myself thinking and shudder at these thoughts.

-A colleague of mine is diagnosed with cancer. He has built his career and his identity on being a healthy, happy and independent man who has a lot of fun and freedom. Now he is very sick and facing his mortality.

-My dad lost his job in a field he has worked in for over 20 years. He says he wants to go back to school and become a teacher and speaks quite passionately about this. But it's difficult for him to imagine that a person in their mid-50's can start all over in a new career.

Going through the Ring of Fire is the hardest part of change for most people. BUT once you get through it, not only will you have burned up parts of your ego that did not serve you, but you will reach a most delicious and beautiful sense of peace. I would try to describe it here, but it is really so amazing it can't be captured in words. You've got to get there yourself to see what I mean.

Okay, so here's the thing I've been noticing about a lot of my clients as they reach the Ring of Fire.

They don't want to go through it.

After working with clients for about 3-4 sessions, I notice that a lot of them start to go through the first process of major change. They break-up with crappy boyfriends, decide to confront their family members, break unhealthy habits, start going back to school for their dream jobs. Then they get to the part where the Ring of Fire starts licking at their toes and they get scared. Then they GO BACK TO THE THING WHICH MADE THEM MISERABLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yes, that's right. They take back the crappy boyfriends, become a doormat again at family functions, go back to overeating and smoking and decide to withdraw from night school and instead take on more hours at the job that they hate. I also notice at about this time they stop signing up for more coaching sessions. I have a hunch they know I won't let them get away with their denial and so they avoid anything and anyone which may insist that they face the truth.

I've also noticed that during this time, when clients go back to the thing which made them miserable in the first place, they begin to: drink a lot of alcohol or caffeine; smoke; overeat, overwork or overdo anything; do drugs; watch a lot of tv; go on shopping sprees; spend a lot of time with other people and not much time alone. Basically they avoid anything which would require deep personal reflection and do anything that will help numb themselves from feeling how miserable they are. I watch this process compassionately because I know what it is like. I have, countless times, also run back to my personal source of misery because the Ring of Fire seemed so scary. From experience, I also know what happens next. The misery deepens, this time the situation one wanted to leave escalates into more suffering, and one must start the change process all over again.

It is painful to watch the clients I love go back to the miserable situations they called me to help them leave. However, I know that eventually the misery will get so bad they will either decide that the Ring of Fire is a better option than the suffering, or life will propel them into the Ring of Fire and they won't get to make the choice. (Cancer, or any life threatening illness, throws one into the ultimate Ring of Fire.)

If you find yourself making a big change in your life, or life has thrown you a huge curve ball out of left field, here are some strategies I use with clients to make the Ring of Fire a little more bearable.

1. Identify the painful thoughts associated with this change.

*If it's hard for you to locate the painful thoughts, you may want to do the following:

a) Write out the circumstance (no opinions allowed here, just the facts. See my example below for details).

b) Fill in the blank: And this means______________________________________.

c) What you've filled in the blank with is the painful thought.

2. Complete the 4 questions using Byron Katie's The Work (see my earlier post on this if you're not familiar with Byron Katie or see my example below).

3. Allow yourself to grieve the loss that accompanies this change. This also means allowing yourself space to get sad and angry. (My next post will be on honoring your anger as go through a transition).

4. Know that, as hard as this part of the change cycle may be, an incredible peace and brighter tomorrow is on the horizon. Take comfort in this knowing.

When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

Gabrielle's Example:

1. Identify the painful thought associated with the change.

a.) Circumstance: We left the city, bought a condo and moved to the suburbs.

b.) And this means: I'm going to stop writing and being creative and be a soccer mom instead.

c) The painful thought is: Because of this change, I'm going to stop being creative.

2. Byron Katie's The Work:

a) Is it true that you will stop being creative now that you've moved to the suburbs?

My authentic response: People in the suburbs aren't creative! They are soccer moms! People in the city are creative!

b) Can you absolutely know that it's true that you will lose your creativity because you moved to the suburbs?
My authentic response: Um no. I can't ABSOLUTELY know that this will happen.

c) How do you feel and react when you think this thought?

My authentic response: Crappy. I feel like I sold out a valuable part of myself. I feel like someone very beloved to me has died. My stomach clenches up. I start glaring at suburban moms who drive vans.

d) Who would you be without this thought?

My authentic response: (I have to pause here for awhile and be still because it's difficult at first to pretend what it would be like without this thought) I feel lighter, free. I feel calm and assured. I realize that my new house is quieter and I actually have my own office here so that I can spend even more quality time writing.

e) Turn-arounds (These are thoughts that could be just as true as the original thought except they feel a lot better):

-I WILL NOT stop being creative by moving to the suburbs. (Creativity has no geographic limitations; it's creative for God's sake!)

-I will be MORE creative by moving to the suburbs. (At our cramped place in the city, I had no office and it was loud and noisy. Here I have my own writing space and more peace and quiet which helps foster my creativity).

-The suburbs could help my creativity. (I see a lot of moms around who seem to center their lives around their kids. I bet they would enjoy some kind of coaching workshop on rediscovering creativity! I could create this!)

3. I allowed myself space to feel the sadness that comes with any change and to grieve my loss. There are things I miss about living in the city and it's completely 100% okay to grieve this loss. I will miss watching the cool people walking down the street everyday, all of the creative, artistic venues, and the energy of Atlanta.

4. I remind myself that this move will bring good fruit to my creativity. When you let go of the old, you make room for the new.

*Next time you make a change or a change makes you, and you feel yourself tempted to run away from the Ring of Fire right back to your source of misery, try the steps listed above and see if they help. Having a life coach hold your hand through the Ring of Fire wouldn't hurt either. :)

Who is there to forgive? Rewriting your story

Last week, I received an endearing email from a follower of this blog, requesting an entry on forgiveness. In this email the young woman said she would be much obliged for some advice on this topic (which, I say with deep relief, I do not like to give.) How can I advise you on how to forgive those who have hurt you? All I can do is share with you the strategies I share with my clients and the strategies I use in my own life: If it works, use it. If it doesn't feel right, don't use it. Take things as you need them, in your own time. Remain true to yourself and your truth unless it is causing you pain. (And you will always know truth because it feels liberating and freeing).

These are the ways I live my life, but then again, this works well for me. Choose what works for you. If what you first choose is causing you pain, you can always choose something else. I've found life to be very simple and beautiful in this way.

I love that I was pondering the question of forgiveness at the most perfect time in my life for this. Let me share with you a very exciting event that happened over the course of last week and the two different stories that arose. One was an old story-I have told myself variations of this story all throughout my life and it's never brought me happiness. The other one was much more liberating, although perhaps not the story most people would tell if they were in a similar situation. As Frost said, I chose the road less traveled and that's made all the difference.



Here I sit, liberated, happy and free rather than angry, depressed and feeling betrayed. Which way would YOU like to feel? It truly comes down to one thing-the story you choose to tell and believe.

As I've mentioned before on this blog, I have taught middle school English for many years. I've spent my career in the urban Atlanta schools, all ripe with their own challenges. I'm a strict disciplinarian and a tough teacher. Throughout my career, this has greatly helped me maintain a classroom where students could learn and has earned me a great deal of respect with my students. Until, that is, I took a job with this charter school in Atlanta.

From day one, the job was full of difficulties. A very popular teacher had quit in the middle of the year (and oh how I judged her for this!) and the students resented me taking her place, especially since I was so strict and it seemed she was not. I could list the number of things I put up with here, but that's not really important. It was a hard situation but I reasoned things would get better if I returned the next academic year as the "real" teacher, instead of the replacement teacher.



Things did not get better. Discipline problems were even worse and although the students did respond better to my teaching style, there were still a lot of situations where I felt my authority was undermined. My principal would not enforce our discipline plan and instead would invite students and parents to talk negatively about teachers to him. Then last week, after I put a class on a week's worth of punishment (no outdoor poetry activities-just a packet of worksheets) the students went to another teacher's room, told him how upset they were, and he suggested they write letters to the principal asking to get me fired. The principal met with me several times last week but I stood my ground.

This is ridiculous, I said. It is unprofessional for one teacher to allow his class time to be taken up by writing these kinds of letters about another teacher. He should have never suggested the children try and get me fired. You should stop supporting the parents when they get upset that their children are in trouble for misbehavior and instead support our school's discipline plan. You should stop encouraging students and parents to berate teachers by not standing up for your staff. I will be flexible about the class punishment, I will make it 3 days instead of 5, but I will not tolerate any more disrespectful behavior from the students.

And then I said-If you continue to undermine me, I'm leaving this school. I am quitting this job.

The next day I found myself telling a story full of woe, betrayal and powerlessness. How dare the children be so disrespectful when I've worked so hard! How dare that shmuck on my team tell the kids to write letters to get me fired! My principal is a jerk who will always side with the parental complaints, no matter how crazy. My principal refuses to support me! That spineless bastard! Etc, etc, etc.



This story felt very sticky to me. It didn't feel good at all. Feeling like a victim, feeling betrayed, feeling powerless-these are some of the most negative emotions we humans can feel. So I called another coach who is also being trained by Martha Beck and asked her to help me through this.

Why are you manifesting this situation? she asked me.

I thought about it. Why WAS I manifesting this situation? I meditated on this for quite some time. Then I realized how incredibly benevolent the universe is and what it was I was supposed to learn from this ordeal.



First let me put a disclaimer here, especially for all of you who have a habit of beating yourselves up or blaming others when things go wrong. Taking responsibility for manifesting a situation is different than blaming yourself or others for it. The former brings you a sense of power whereas the latter brings you sense of powerlessness. My goal, as a coach, is to help every client regain their center of power. I would never want any client to see a terrible situation as something they were responsible for. However, rewriting your story about a situation will bring you a sense of clarity and empowerment and that's what we're after here. This is not to say, however, that when you've wronged someone, you rewrite the situation and leave out the reality. Apologize for the wrongs you've done to others, make amends for the wrongs you've done to yourself, and rewrite your story so that you can live a more peaceful and happy life.



Without going into too much detail about my childhood, it may be helpful to know this. Growing up, my mom did a lot of things to me that I perceived as completely disrespectful, hurtful and as taking away my power. She often spoke about what a "bad" kid I was to my younger sister and I felt betrayed. (I thought my sister should be on my side, since we were both kids.) My dad witnessed what my mom did, but never did anything about it. He was the male authority in the house, but for whatever reason, he didn't speak up on my behalf.

All of the sudden, I understood why the situation at school was happening. I realized that I had manifested a situation that felt identical to my childhood. Here were the disrespectful students who were like my mom. Here was the principal, the male authority figure who did nothing to support me, just like my dad. And here was the teacher who had the students write letters to get me fired, an act of betrayal, just like my sister. How entirely perfect!

This is when I began telling a different story. A story that went something like this: I manifested a situation where I felt feelings similar to my childhood so that I could heal and empower myself.

Much better than the tale of woe, wouldn't you say?

I thought about what I really needed when I was a kid, growing up in that house that was chalk full of negative energy. I decided that I needed someone to step in, to say-This isn't right; I'm not going to let her be treated like this. I'm going to take her somewhere better.

As a child, I could not do this of course. But as an adult, I could. So when I received yet another email from my principal and a voicemail from him on my cell phone stating that numerous parents and students were complaining about me and that we needed to conference about my behavior, I called him back and quit. I calmly went to the school, packed up my things and handed him my keys. As I got into my car, I felt the most delicious sense of freedom and peace. I felt that the small child inside of me had been healed. As I drove away, I realized another gift from this situation-I now had much more time to devote to my business of coaching and healing others.



My principal, who seemed quite shocked that I followed through on my word to resign, said to me as I departed, "I hope you don't think that I think the parents and students are more right than you. I hope you realize that I don't think you're wrong here."

My reply? "You do what you need to do." Meaning think what you need to think. Tell whatever story you need to tell. I'm not going to try and change your story as you'll tell whatever story you need to tell anyway. Everyone is entitled to their story.

But my dear friends, keep this in mind: whatever story it is that you choose to tell, make sure it is one that serves you-and your highest goodness- well. Then watch the universe shower you with good things.



*Think of a negative story you've been holding onto for quite some time, a story about someone who has wronged you. It is now time to rewrite this story. Instead of telling the story from a victim standpoint, tell it from an empowering standpoint. How did the situation end up helping you or making you a better person or helping you heal in some way? Tell the story with a positive spin and see what happens. Then write me all about it!